still digging

CactusFlower · July 11, 2022, 02:48:41 PM

gentle hugs, san, that's a lot of processing. Glad you were able to open up to your friend, though. It can be very heartening when we find someone who's there for us in all this.

Blueberry · July 11, 2022, 07:00:45 PM

I understand now, san. Sorry for saying otherwise. I'm happy you were able to take it in your stride and even use it to clarify things for yourself. Also glad to see on your Diff. Day post that you're coming back up out of the depths.

Not Alone · July 12, 2022, 03:03:25 PM

San, you are holding so many feelings about many abusive relationships all at once. Ugh. I just want to affirm how big that is to carry.

If I'm understanding correctly, your struggle on how to answer questions makes sense. You were trying to protect your daughter and yourself and probably others too. How do you answer a question that fulfills all those criteria? What a dilemma.

So glad that you received support from a friend over the weekend.

sanmagic7 · July 12, 2022, 09:43:35 PM

thanks for the hugs, CF. and i agree - it was very heartening to be able to talk to someone who knows the players involved and be supported and accepted and believed.

blueberry, no need to apologize. we don't know exactly how it is for anyone else, and like you said, i was able to use what you said for clarification for myself. every comment/thought/idea/opinion is helpful for me in some way. i appreciate you being able to speak what's on your mind from your own perspective. so, thank you very much for doing so.

thanks, notalone, for that validation about about the weight of all i'm carrying. it really is huge, and keeps getting huger as i'm digging deeper. also glad to receive the support from everyone here.

doing a bit better each day, but struggling w/ the heat right now. big flashback to last year and what we went thru before we got a/c. not good at all, terrifying actually. so, even tho this heat is only for a day or 3, it's scary as all get out. just trying to do what's necessary to stay sane. top priority right now.

Armee · July 13, 2022, 05:51:37 AM

Stay safe, San.

sanmagic7 · July 13, 2022, 03:17:51 PM

so doing, armee. thank you for your caring kindness.

Larry · July 16, 2022, 02:00:55 AM

sanmagic7 · July 16, 2022, 03:09:05 PM

back atcha, larry. thanks for stopping in.

my therapy has been quite abbreviated these past 2 weeks. for various reasons my T has been absent for 3 of the 4 sessions we usually have in that time span. last nite as i was struggling w/ what's been happening, it really brought home to me how much i depend on her to help stabilize me. i can't put my finger on any word to describe how i felt, only that i was uneasy inside me. i've been feeling that disturbance for the past 5 days or so, and it's been playing havoc w/ my sleep (even tho i have meds) and i've had to take more than usual to knock myself out.

so, i'm feeling groggy this morning, and i don't like it. it reminds me of a hangover, something i'd rather forget. i've had increased anxiety at bedtime and several times couldn't get to sleep till way too late. i'm sorry she's sick at the moment, but i can't wait to get back on a schedule w/ her. it's like she's my rudder, and my boat goes willy nilly without her. this is not fun for me. this morning i woke up extremely stiff in my back and shoulders, and it gave me an indication of how much tension i've been holding inside while she's been gone.

my next appt. is tues. we'll see if she's well by then. dang, i hope so. it's weird to me how poorly i'm able to navigate my life w/o reinforcement now. i think it's a verification of 'it really was that bad for me and i am traumatized because of it' at the same time i have to chase away that ICr who says 'you should be able to handle this better'. difficult to accept i am not able, at least not now. maybe someday . . .

rainydiary · July 17, 2022, 03:57:31 AM

I appreciate you reflecting on this San as it is giving me insight into something I've been struggling with and couldn't identify. I hope that your T is able to maintain a more consistent schedule very soon and that you find some ease in the coming days.

sanmagic7 · July 17, 2022, 04:23:28 PM

thank you for your caring thoughts,, rainy. glad you were able to identify something meaningful for yourself. i hope my t can be more consistent, too. thanks.

got stress flu yesterday, still suffering today. pretty miserable. am hoping to take it easy today, just play games, watch tv, doze. yesterday was hectic and i've been feeling the stress of my T being absent and it all caught up w/ me. i haven't felt this for a while so i really hate that i'm feeling it again. i can tell i haven't been doing well all week cuz i've only made my bed once. that's been a source of pride for me - it was the one thing i did in mexico while i was so sick in order to prove i wasn't totally useless. funny how those little things can mean so much.

Armee · July 18, 2022, 05:04:35 AM

It's OK to rest up while you're feeling bad. If you can make the bed, great. If not, eh, it doesn't need to be made.

I'm sorry your T has been absent a lot while you are going through this rough stretch. You and her are really good at containing and defeating difficult memories and images together. You're a team and no wonder it's hard without her right now.

sanmagic7 · July 18, 2022, 02:22:55 PM

thanks for that wonderful big hug, armee. lovelovelove it! i like that you used the word 'team' for me and my T. it takes a bit of the 'dependent upon her' onus off. i think, too, since i'm so void of social interaction, she's part of that for me. and i appreciate you allowing me leeway on the bedmaking thing. i won't be making it again today.

still down w/ the stress flu, altho it's getting a bit better. these maladies last about 5 days for me.

CactusFlower · July 18, 2022, 04:02:23 PM

Hope you feel better soon!

Hope67 · July 20, 2022, 01:55:45 PM

Dear SanMagic,
I would like to wish you the best in getting through this fluey thing - and I hope that you get lots of rest and fluids and whatever else you need. I would like to send you a very supportive and gentle hug

Hope

sanmagic7 · July 20, 2022, 02:23:30 PM

thanks, CF. am feeling better today, flu-wise. let's see if it holds.

hope, thanks for the hug, much appreciated.

therapy was cancelled again yesterday - my T has covid. i've thought that for nearly a week, so altho i'm sorry she's gotten it, i have to admit - oooh, i might have a touch of anger about it!!! just felt a twinge inside. i'd think rationally that now's not the time to be angry w/ the poor woman after having gone thru this terrible illness, but i'm pissed that she got it.

it all has to do w/ me, of course. i'm hurting badly, hanging by a thread, still extremely stressed, too much stuff to be dealing w/ right now, including soc. sec. disability stuff (for my D), the heat, the anxiety, discomfort, disturbance inside me for not being able to talk w/ her, get some reassurance, new perspective, etc. get stabilized.

yesterday morning when i got her email (she said she's gonna be ok, just that her brain was mush) i went into manic mode. 1000 mph, had to finally calm myself w/ cigs and xanax, stayed like that for about an hour, and then i got real floaty. my D commented on both phases, so i know it wasn't just me. it knocked me for a loop that i still couldn't speak w/ her and i am so ready! frustrating, to say the least.

so, once more i'm struggling to stay sane. i've been living w/o hope for so long. it's only because of the support here and my D that i'm able to put one foot in front of the other. just have to make it to tomorrow.