still digging

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you San.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, rainy.  i so appreciate it. 

[Blueberry]

  san, I hear you. Sending EMS and OOTS energy to strengthen that thread you're hanging by. I know that one-thread-feeling well, tho fortunately there's more strength in me today.

May I encourage you to feel anger at the situation that your T has covid, if you don't want to feel angry at her personally? Maybe a little san feels angry at her? I don't think a little san has to be rational, maybe not even adult san.

Also sending you a large fan and a spot on the Porch with a nice cooling breeze and water near by.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, loved those big hugs.  they always feel so embracing, a factor i've realized i've missed when i've most needed it.  thank you so.  thanks for the 'permission' to be angry.  i needed that.  i'm not sure which san it might be who's angry - possibly from being young and not getting taken care of the way i needed - but your remark did get me thinking.

and thanks so much for EMS and the porch.  i'd totally forgotten about the porch, how wonderfully soothing it is.  beautiful in every way.  so grateful for what you said. 

i'm still feeling a lot of disturbance inside, so i'm guessing it's a lot of emotions which simply won't present themselves.  anger is one for sure, anger that i'm not being taken care of the way i want - i guess that is a little child, possibly a baby, who didn't get emotional needs met.  still, it's rattled me as i struggle to get from one day to the next.  so much has happened in the month since my T's been AWOL, and i'm as stressed out as i can remember ever being.

it's taking a toll on my body - my legs have gotten wobbly a few times, bathroom trips have gotten more frequent, energy levels are extremely low, i'm quite tired after speaking a few sentences, and i have no sense of hope (altho that's escaped me all my life).  i thought about the sayings that tell you to look for one thing that brings you joy each day, and since i've only felt actual joy once in my life, stuff like that falls flat w/ me.

i'm a complaining wreck, but it feels better when i put it all here.  trauma mind is now having a difficult time remembering things from 2 min. before, let alone 2 days or months ago.  it's also overwhelming anything i might see as pos. in my life.  i'm nearly completely focused on my D as she's struggling right now, too.  near the edge.

ok, stop.  i'm going to the porch, going to sit by the lake, throw a line out, smell the air, look at the trees and their shimmering leaves as a breeze blows thru, watch the water rippling in the breeze, enjoy the colors of the dragonflies hovering around as well as those of the water lilies in bloom where the bass like to hide.  actually, that was rather relaxing to write.  thanks, blueberry. 

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs San. Here's wishing you energy to get through the day. And I felt relaxed at the lovely description you wrote about the porch!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, CF.  i'm feeling a bit more energized today, so i appreciate your dose.  i'm sure it helped. glad the porch was helpful for you, too.  it's magic.
 

the porch is working its magic.  anyone is welcome to join me - i brought raspberry muffins and lemonade to pass around.  and there's always tea and cookies available. 

feeling a bit more relaxed today.  i think going to the porch helped my spirit, as did EMS (earth mother spirit). thanks, blueberry, for reminding me of both.  she kind of buoyed me up yesterday when i thought of her and her voluminous skirts embracing me, grounding me.  she wears flowers in her long, free-spirited hair and is larger than life, firmly one with the earth. she gathers her children in whenever we need her, and keeps us safe from the demons trolling around and throughout our minds. 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the imagery you are sharing. It lifts my heart a bit. 

[sanmagic7]

you brought a smile to my face, rainy.  glad you got something positive from it. 

i wonder if there's a place here on the forum for imagery that is created by us for calming and soothing each other.  i know we have a lot of creative people here.

today we're beginning 5 days of heat wave.  we've packed in lots of cold foods and pre-made meals that only need to be heated up.  we've got a fun tv series to watch (once upon a time) altho it does touch on some deep issues every so often, and i find tears running down my face every so often.

still wondering if i'll be able to talk to my T tomorrow.  it will have been a month.  so much has happened during these weeks and i am tense w/ stress throughout my body.  i also began looking at the possibility that she won't come back, and what i would do then.  the other day my D asked me if i wanted to go for a short walk w/ her, i turned her down.  it felt like my body is so tight, just holding myself together.  i walked down for the mail this morning, felt like a zombie - one foot in front of the other, no feelings at all.

i'm having difficulty accepting what a toll this absent T has had on me.  she's been my rock, and also has helped my D tremendously (my mother heart always is affected by what's happening w/ my D).  i want to  cry but the tears won't come.

[Blueberry]

 

[rainydiary]

I like the idea of creating imagery here.  I feel in my body and heart the difficulty of the absence of such a trusted person in your life.  I hope the tension eases as soon as possible.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs, san. The heat is getting to me too. We also went to the store and stocked up on cold and reheatable things. I think it'll help a lot, cause from about 10am, it's too hot to cook.  Hope it works for you too.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the hugs, blueberry, and back atcha!   

hey, rainy, thanks for checking in.  my T was back yesterday, and it was tentative for the most part, but i did find relief by the end. 

CF, i'm with you all the way on the heat.  it is working well, the cold foods.  i'm making a pasta salad this morning that will last me a few days, but i'll cook the pasta well before noon.  hang tough, ok? 

it was awkward talking to my T yesterday, but we got thru it.  i was able to tell her i was angry at her for both me and my D, and that while i felt bad for her i felt bad for me, too.  she accepted it all, said, 'yeah, i left you in the lurch', and by the end of the session she devised a plan should something like this ever happen again, which was comforting.  she told me i could email her w/ whatever stuff was coming up.  i told her that was good up to a point - that it would be nice to get it out of me (but i'm able to do that here already) but i'd need that she would take what i had and lock it away for me.

she said 'i think i can guarantee that' and i said 'you think you can, or you can?" i had to have assurance i wasn't just writing into the ether.  then she hurriedly replied 'no, i guarantee it, i absolutely can do that' and i felt some sighs of relief escape.  so, we ended on a good note, but i can see how very needy i am now.  never so in the past.  i guess it's not a bad thing cuz it's all part of me becoming human again.  and i'm not sure if i'll actually need to do that with her, but it was good to hear the option was there, very reassuring, very grounding.

so, yeah, the heat.  we're getting thru it, but it's taking a toll on both of us.  the trauma of last year has especially grabbed my D - she gets anxious about feeling trapped, even tho she knows rationally we can get in the car and crank up the a/c.  funny how trauma works.  plus, the forest fires are out there, and she's been triggered back to our having to evacuate a couple years ago, the sky being orange, the sun being red.  but we're in a pretty urban area now, no actual forests like where we were before, so i'm not concerned at all. 

i just hate what's happening to our world.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your reflection on relationship dynamics even with someone that has/is supportive to you.  It reminds me to be thoughtful about how I approach well wishes - just seeing your T isn't necessarily an automatic relief.  Relationships are so complicated. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, you're so right.  relationships and their dynamics are complicated.  i've made up my mind to say my truth no matter what it might be, even tho there is anxiety or a bit of fear there.  however, i've eliminated everyone who i can't trust w/ my truth, so i've been getting practice being heard, accepted, and validated.  it's been difficult at times - with my T i prefaced it by saying 'i've got to be honest' and then told her how i felt, what i'd been thinking about her absence.  she was so accepting and agreeing.  thanks for your valued support, rainy. 

just surviving the heat wave - it's much worse and much longer than we'd first been given to believe.  and i see where ranchers are having a terrible time w/ their livestock and fields.  just horrible.  my D and i have decided to get thru this by saying 'only 2 more days', that we can get thru any of this for 2 more days (not unlike the 12-step one day at a time perspective - just get thru today).  happily we got ourselves decent food in the freezer, and i discovered our a/c's were only on low, so now they're throwing out more cold air than before and that's helping.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs, san. Saying things out loud is sometimes the hardest part. Hope it goes well for you. We're seeing a slight temperature dip and potential rain today through Saturday, so it's a relief. But the microwave and cold foods are working out great! Glad your A/Cs are pushing more cool air!