still digging

[sanmagic7]

hi CF, yeah, we're surviving.  the cold foods and a/c are doing their job.  i'm still having a tough time, but will buffalo my way thru.

my T got worse yesterday, had to cancel my D's appt., so i wrote her to tell her to simply focus on getting well and we'll talk next tues. instead of today.  i have to admit that this morning, tho, i wish i were 'seeing' her.  my D and i talked a little about what if she dies?  we've both thought about it now.  i can't imagine finding another T right now.  i'll let it go at that.

in the meantime, still sweltering hot out, it's scheduled to stay this way thru the weekend.  we bought a few  more supplies yesterday morning, and i think we're set for the next few days.  yesterday i was crabby, grumpy, impatient - 3 things i rarely experience, but our routines are upended, we're crushed together more hours than usual, plus we're just uncomfortably warm.  these portable a/c units do their best, but they're not as cooling as our window a/c, which apt. mgmt. said had to be removed.

so, slogging thru.  my eyes are gritty and weary and i'm just out of sorts.

[Armee]

I'm so sorry San. I'd be terrified too.  Have been many times.

[sanmagic7]

oh, armee, being terrified is not a good feeling.  thank you so for your support.   

talked to my T and my meds doc yesterday, but unfortunately i'm down w/ my second bout of stress flu in a month, so didn't do much, cut both sessions short cuz my throat is too sore. 

one interesting point the psychiatrist said was wondering if my therapy was actually helping me.  i tried to explain about too much abuse, alexithymia, and how any one incident can bring up a whole raft of other memories or new feelings/emotions.  she doesn't get it.  i think, like most docs, they aren't prepared in any way to understand about trauma, let alone complex trauma, and are merely trained to treat the symptoms - the surface stuff that shows its face.

i've explained some of this to her before, and she's very nice, but, you know, we patients aren't necessarily clearly cut from the DSM cloth, so we're left to wander the etherworld coping as best we can.  so, she keeps telling me that next time we talk she hopes i'm in a totally different place, feeling much better, etc.  she asked if i had hope, i told her no, but that my T does.  she said she was glad i lived w/ my D so i wasn't isolated.  i could tell alarm bells were going off in her head - no one wants to hear someone feeling hopeless.

just rambling - i feel crappy, wanted to get some of this stuff out of me.  i use this forum as a dumping ground so often.  i'm getting sick of hearing myself like this, but feel powerless to change the dynamic going on in my head.  sucks.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate you sharing your experience with the psychiatrist.  My experience is that conversations and attitudes like that are so exhausting and frustrating.  I hope that you found some moments of ease and care for yourself.

[Armee]

 

I don't get sick of hearing you put words to what you are going through. I wish you felt better but it helps the rest of us to hear what you are going through, that it isn't linear, that the hopes of our doctors or loved ones are not necessarily bound up in a realistic understanding of Complex trauma. That these difficult waves are part of it. I am amazed you have the courage to keep facing your traumas and triggers and to keep working through them. I'm amazed that even when you spend several weeks with stress flu and being physically and emotionally overwhelmed that you every time have managed to bounce back up and take another strong swipe at those symptoms and traumas. To envision yourself in a state of power. You are amazing. And of course right now it all feels hopeless, but you haven't had anyone to help you get out of the latest  stuff, and you can't do it alone.

Any word from T the past couple days?

[Blueberry]

san, I'm sorry your psych doc just doesn't seem to get it.

Wishing you cooler weather

[Bach]

san, I can relate all too well to how much it hurts trying to deal with a psychiatrist who doesn't get it.  I think it's very brave of you to deal with a psychiatrist at all. 

Love and hugs  I hope your day gets better

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy, i absolutely agree - they are exhausting and frustrating.  i think i'll be less specific w/ her in the future, just get the meds i need, tell her how much they're helping.  i don't know - the battle to make someone understand is wearing.   

armee, thank you so for the kind words and thoughts.  so appreciated.  i did hear from my T, told her what the shrink said about did i think therapy was helping me, and my T kind of gave a noise of frustration herself.  we also processed some distress i'd felt about something my D had told her about me, something i did and how it upset her at the time.  more later. 

as far as getting up and doing this all over, no matter what i've just gone thru, my other choice is to melt down into a puddle of grease, lose my mind, and ooze my way into a deep pit of nothingness.  i can't afford that option.  at least not right now.  so, i'll keep chugging along.  it's a matter of survival, and i really don't feel amazing about it - it's just what i believe i need to do.  thanks for you caring.

blueberry, i know you can relate.  thanks for the support.  we're in the middle of another heat warning this weekend, probably won't get relief till mon. nite.  ugh!  and i used to live in these temps. 8 mos. out of the year!  don't know how i did it - survival i guess.   

hey, bach, thank you for your uplifting words and those lovely hugs and love.  the only way i can get the meds i need is to go thru a shrink, and she's generous when it comes to controlled substances, so i'll put up w/ her - another survival choice.   


******************TW***************  overdose situation


my D told me about her appt. w/ our shared T, and one thing she mentioned was the time she OD'd on her meds.  i remember the scene well - she called me into her room, was sitting next to her bed w/ a bottle of pills, told me she took a bunch.  what she remembers is that i rolled my eyes at her - her interpretation was that i was somehow dismissing her problem as not being as important as her sister's (who had already been in the psych hospital the week before).


**********************end TW********************

altho we've worked thru this in the past, hearing it again as an ongoing part for her feelings of unimportance, 'not as bad as', or 'isn't bad enough to warrant attention' struck me, and not in a good way.  my own remembrance of the event was that i was overwhelmed by the idea that i now had a second daughter who needed help, and i was going to be doing double shifts, so to speak, in getting that help for her (my ex, as usual, was pretty useless - i carried the brunt of working these things out)  that i had an 'oh my god' moment, and had to hold myself together in order to tackle this new situation.  my rolling eyes had nothing to do w/ her, but it was all about what new * i was in for even tho i was at the exhaustion point already.  (as it turned out, that month, my D's spent 3 out of the 4 weeks in psych hospitals.  it was a harrowing time.)

so, hearing it again sent me over an edge, and i worked w/ my T on it cuz i felt so badly that i'd let my D down at that moment in her life and added to her emotional burden she's carried thru her life.  we did the Flash technique on it, and the first thought i had was that i had to forgive myself for being human. next - i forgive myself. some other stuff came up, especially about D1, and i had to stop processing - we haven't dealt much w/ her yet, but i'd also learned more about her treatment towards my D2, and how thoroughly abusive she was, more than i realized or knew about.  gotta save her for another time, tho.



***********TW**********  sexual insinuations in a dream



then, yesterday, i dreamed about my ex, and i ended up having to be awakened by my D cuz i was moving my arms and legs around erratically.  in the dream, a bunch of stuff was going on, and my ex eventually entered the picture.  i began yelling at him to get out, and he eventually moved to leave, but as he passed me, he fingered the nylon scarf i had on my head.  i knew instantly what he was doing - silky underwear was a must for me to wear during our marriage - and i accused him of it. he denied it vociferously, saying he didn't do anything, why am i so upset, and basically shut me down.


end TW*****************************

then, just as he was going thru the door, he turned to me and smiled a creepy, knowing smile which neither of my D's saw, and i knew i was right about what happened no matter how much he insisted it didn't.  and i got so angry in my dream that he got away with it, l began yelling and pounding my fists against the chair, stomping my feet.  that's what my D saw and promptly woke me up.

the image of that creepy smile stayed in my head, and i was so upset, i couldn't think straight, couldn't get away from it.  got up, took some meds, went outside for a cig and to be next to my plants - my happy place - and calmed down a bit.  my D had tried to help by getting a jar w/ a cover, and encouraging me to put the image in there and out of my head (i used to do that w/ her when she had bad dreams, and it worked well for her), but i wasn't able to push it out.  however, on the balcony, i had an empty cig pack, and was able to slide most of the image into it, closed it up, and went inside and pushed it way down into the garbage.  that helped.

it took me about an hour to relax enough to resume watching the show we'd begun before naptime.  it's still in there a little bit, but it brought it home to me so clearly about his insidiousness during our marriage, deceit, gaslighting, and the depth of his sickness.  plus it confirmed to me that i was right, he was horrible to me, and i am so wounded because of him.  terrible realizations, but home truths nonetheless. ugh!  nauseating.

[sanmagic7]

wow - i didn't realize how long my previous post was.  it was all trauma dream diarrhea, and i just needed to get it out.  the forum's always been a good place for me to do that.

another dream that linked in the first one.  i wasn't quite as shook, but it rattled me a bit to regurgitate the same crapola in a different dream.  i've got therapy today, and i'm sure my T will help me w/ this.

otherwise, just surviving the heat.  this has really shown me how important my routine is in helping me stay more stabilized, less disrupted inside me, less distressed.  i'm getting too old for this crapola.

[rainydiary]

I often expect to write a short post and often end up having more come out than expected - it is helpful to be able to do that here.  I hope that the routines continue to be supportive.

[Armee]

 


Your brain and body are trying to work some nasty toxic stuff out...so yeah...maybe dream diarrhea in a way, but not in a way that it isn't worthy of writing down and getting support over.

I'm so glad your T is ok, and back in action to work with you.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs if you want them, san, and good luck with your T today.

[sanmagic7]

hi, rainy, yep, i've found it extremely helpful to get the crapola out here.  thanks. 

thanks for your support, armee.  happily, the dream diarrhea has ended, at least for now. 

hugs are always welcome, CF.  thank you.

i see i have 25 pages here, so it's time for a new one.  see you all there!