still digging

[Armee]

 

Oh that is a HUGE relief for you! And what courage to go and to process so that you could get here now.

These moments of relief are so so important because it is a mental and physical reminder of what feeling good feels like, what we are aiming for, and that we possess the ability to live in that space. It's like the North Star for me when those moments happen.

I'm so happy for you! You worked so damned hard and courageously.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the cheers, blueberry.  this does feel like something to celebrate.

hope, i so appreciate your cheer for me, and i can feel the heart in your hug.  thanks

oh armee i loved both the fireworks and that wonderful hug.  thank you for all your support.  feels wonderful.

just got finished with a big shopping for groceries jaunt, so i'm beat.  also had to clear up a billing mistake, and that took even more out of me.

what's helping me feel more better (love that phrase!) is a new perspective on how my body has been acting as a teammate with my brain/mind.  i can see now how my body has taken on so much that my mind wasn't able to handle over the years.  now, instead of feeling disheartened by the aches and pains, i know they're signs of the overload with regard to emotions i hadn't been able to feel and/or express throughout my life. 

taking a page out of blueberry's book, i'm more willing to accept this mind/body connection as something pos., something that's helped me keep my sanity and allowed me the strength to carry on staying alive.  i had a series of images while i was processing that went from the concept of being overwhelmed mentally and emotionally to eventually being able to shore up brain and mind with wood and concrete (my images) to finally knowing they both need to feel their strength from within rather than band-aid-like constructs.  feeling that strength caused me to create the new perspective of teamwork.

yes, it hasn't always been smooth sailing, has often been neg. choices, but they've all gotten me here, alive and mostly sane.  i'm thankful for that now and am not as harsh with myself for 'messing up' with decisions i've made.  they were necessary at the time, and now i'm working on accepting that.  we all have to come to our own place in our own way and time, i guess.  i'm just thankful i've lived long enough to get to this point.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate the thought that our bodies and minds are working together to try to care for us.  It is a good reminder for me too that my body is on my side and trying to keep me safe. 

[sanmagic7]

yes, rainy - it was a good realization for me as well.  glad it was a pos. reminder for you.

therapy was interesting.  i'll talk more about it tomorrow.  i'm very tired from it tonite, but it was good.  just intense.  i do feel like i'm making some progress.

[Armee]

 

I just love that feeling of progress. One gift of therapy...done well by the therapist and client...progress is noticeable and remarkable really.

You have worked so hard and so courageously to feel better. It is not easy to keep showing up when body and mind feel like they are rebelling mightily.

I really appreciated your insights into the mind/body connection, your appreciation of how your body absorbed the trauma to protect your mind all those years. And the images...wood and concrete to build up that strength from within...like preparing for the hurricane, knowing you've got this.

Your gift of imagery is so powerful!

[sanmagic7]

thank you, armee, for such kind and caring words.  so appreciated.  in the past i've found imagining things to be difficult if not impossible at times.  never made up stories for my kids, that kind of thing.  now, when processing, the images are coming of their own accord.  can't explain it, but i'm glad of it.  i think it may be part of the progress, that those parts of my brain which were shut down are now beginning to open up?  i don't know. 

yesterday after therapy i felt kind of woozy all day, very tired.  we processed guilt as a concept, then a particular memory of me sitting on my dad's knee, and he asking the question (this was just before christmas and i was young enough to still believe in santa ) 'were you a good girl this year?"  that question froze me.  having been taught to be honest and perfect, i literally couldn't answer the question.  i knew i hadn't been perfect, had done some naughty things, so i couldn't say i was good, but i was afraid to say i was bad cuz then i wouldn't get presents from santa.  it was the most rock-solid dilemma i've ever faced in my life.

i don't doubt i ended up crying, but i don't remember ever being able to answer the question.  could not correlate being imperfect with being good.  during processing, the first image that came to mind (my T told me to distance myself, so i looked at the image from the other side of a football field) was me slapping my dad in the face for putting me in such a horrid position.  then i got off his lap and drop-kicked him over the goalposts!  it felt right and satisfying - plus gave me some insight into the amount of anger i've had bottled up in me all these years.

did another set and i finally came to the conclusion that good and perfect are not necessarily equals.  i could've said i was a good girl without believing that was a lie, even tho i hadn't been perfect.  it's amazing to me how something so seemingly simple could have had such an iron-clad grasp on me nearly my whole life.  and guilt has been tightly wrapped around that concept without me consciously knowing it. 

[tea-the-artist]

the perspective of your brain/mind working as a team with the body sounds all sorts of teams falter here and there, just like they have their successes here and there, and it's good the team has helped keep you alive, now with the healing and digging. and that team didn't need to be perfect to get you here. it really seems like there's going to be lots of little particular memories that somehow have a hold on us, but good for you for processing this (and picturing the angry response to guilt, at that!)

[sanmagic7]

thanks, tea.  your support is so appreciated.

still feeling pretty good.  that's an accomplishment all by itself - or at least that's how it feels.  ear is still wonky, but if seems to be less most of the time.  i just hate that it takes so long.

i've dreamed about returning to college many times, either to finish a class that i'd neglected and it kept me from graduating, or going to other schools around the country, around the world, even, just to see what the experience might be like.  always lived in dorms in these dreams, so also met new people.  but, the other night, i dreamed that i graduated, and people wanted to celebrate with me, but i felt very unsettled about that aspect, turned down invitations, and basically distanced myself from the whole thing.  (now, i have been to college, have a master's degree, so returning to finish up must have some other, underlying meaning rather than reality)  i do remember saying that i've graduated plenty of times, don't want to be part of it again or some such thing.

when i woke up, it was disturbing to me, felt the disturbance within.  looking up the meaning online, it said graduation was a symbol of finishing something and being ready to move on to new challenges.  maybe that's what felt disturbing - the new and the unknown.  i've been continuing in school in my dreams for many years, and it felt safe and fun and exciting, altho i did worry about not having a class finished in order to get my degree - and graduate!  i supposed the new and unknown can be scary, and i am venturing into pieces of my life in order to process them out of having neg. influences on me in the present.

is this a sign that i'm upset at something being finished?  or upset  that i'm on my way to new and different?  i dont' know.  however, thinking of what we've begun delving into in therapy, it is rather frightening to dig into some aspects of the much, like my emotions or realizations of the truth.  i guess we'll see.

[Not Alone]

 

[Armee]

Im in awe at what you are able to remember and process during EMDR and have no doubt that is because of all the hard work you are putting in.

Thats really interesting timing for the recurring dream. I wonder what your subconscious sees as being finished? Or perhaps what is being left out unfinished as you move on to other subjects in therapy?

You are an amazing human  and an inspiration!

[Larry]

 

[sanmagic7]

love that hug, notalone.  thanks

your kind words, armee, sent a smile spinning to my face and it just won't wipe off right now.  i have no idea about what's finished, or what my mind thinks is finished.  maybe it's related to not feeling so crappy after 3 mos. of it.  maybe i'll discover it along the way.  at any rate, thank you for being you.

thanks for the smile and wink, larry.   

therapy yesterday.  we decided to tackle my anxiety around doing therapy.  i guessed it was because i've had some pretty crummy T's in the past.  then the idea came to me that i do not trust people, including therapists, including the one i have now, to keep me safe, altho she has been nothing but great in my mind.  she reminded me about the many times my legs have gone out after a session with her, or feeling sick from the emotional charge i underwent.  so, ok, yeah.  therapy has been a not-so-great experience for me too many times.

we decided to take a look at me in therapy from a distance, so i placed myself in a chair in front of a desk on the other side of a football field. the first set i could see myself leaving the chair, having a difficult time sitting there.  but the second set told the real story.  suddenly, icky L's face popped into my mind.  the root of all my therapy problems.  it was horrible to see her.  it was like i froze at the sight of her.  my T told me she wanted to kick her head off, and i told her to go ahead.  it was a great moment for both of us.

i saw icky L's head go flying, rolling across the end zone, and i was able to get back into the therapy chair, rearrange the desk so it was to the side of me, and have my present T sitting there.  that felt good, and then i saw myself walking down the field to meld with that distant self.  after that happened, i wanted the real me to meld with the two of them so that i was whole, but it just didn't happen.  don't know why, but it didn't feel bad, either.

my T and i talked about her kicking icky L's head off, and she said she wasn't normally supposed to interfere like that, but she got caught up in the moment and couldn't help herself.  i told her i was so very glad she did it, cuz it was showing me she had my back and would stick up for me, an experience i've had very little experience with in my life.  similar to when people here on the forum write they're mad at someone on my behalf - that always warms my heart so very much.

i did one more set where i thought about getting a front loading dump truck, scooping the pieces of icky L up and taking them to a dump, but something in my mind told me i couldn't do that, i was going to have to work through my issues with her before i could get completely rid of her.  it makes sense.  there's so much there to unpack, that have taken up permanent lodging in my mind.  it's been over 35 years since i started with her - that's a long time to be carrying such terribly harmful baggage.

my T has been especially upset by the whole icky L thing from the first time i'd mentioned it to her.  it's been something that has gnawed at her from the beginning, felt absolutely disgusted with that woman and what she did to me.  my T told me it felt cathartic for her to do the kicking thing, and we both had a great laugh together.  it was a wonderful moment for me.  she also told me that being anxious about therapy was perfectly normal for me, especially because of the trauma attached to it.  that put my mind at ease, somewhat, knowing i'm not just being stupid about it or something. 

at any rate, onward, ever onward.

[Bach]

That's a fantastic story about your T kicking icky L's head off.  I know that therapists always try to maintain a professional distance but it can be such a powerful validating moment when one who really cares and understands breaks that barrier once in a very great while.  I had a moment like that with the therapist I saw for 17 years who really got me on the road to healing after my lifetime of mostly bad therapy, and I'll never forget it.  It really emboldened me to start understanding that what my mother did to me was wrong. 

Hugs and warm good thoughts to you, san

[CactusFlower]

Sounds like quite a good step with this T!  I am a very visual thinker, so I can see how that kicking was cathartic. Wishing you the best, 

[Armee]

It makes so so much sense that you would feel anxious about therapy given how much it has knocked you over even during "good" therapy and just especially especially with everything with Icky l. I am extra impressed that your T did not try to sugar coat the difficulties of therapy that have occurred even recently with her as your T. More over you and your T are such a great team, deciding together what to do, how to tackle (pardon the pun) what you are working on. I'm so glad she kicked icky Ls head off and did not insist you do it yourself. Sometimes we need to see others stand up for us, to see that we are worth it and that what happened to us is bad enough to make others upset on our behalf.

What happened to you was bad enough that your T would like to kick her head off.

Keep going, good call to not haul Icky L off to the dump just yet.