still digging

[Not Alone]

but something in my mind told me i couldn't do that, i was going to have to work through my issues with her before i could get completely rid of her.  it makes sense.  there's so much there to unpack, that have taken up permanent lodging in my mind.  it's been over 35 years since i started with her - that's a long time to be carrying such terribly harmful baggage.

A hurtful event from my previous T still affects me and it shows up in current therapy. That was one incident with a mostly good T and a good person, who was human and not perfect. Your situation was long, complex, messy, harmful, unprofessional and abusive. The harm she caused is equal, if not greater, than the harm caused by an abusive parent. Give yourself time and grace as you heal from her poison.

my T and i talked about her kicking icky L's head off, and she said she wasn't normally supposed to interfere like that, but she got caught up in the moment and couldn't help herself.  i told her i was so very glad she did it, cuz it was showing me she had my back and would stick up for me, an experience i've had very little experience with in my life.  similar to when people here on the forum write they're mad at someone on my behalf - that always warms my heart so very much.

I am so glad that your T did that! I understand that Ts want to empower their clients, but sometimes we need them to stand up for us. It is powerful and caring to stand up for someone and to protect them.

[sanmagic7]

bach, thanks for all that you said.  my T did mention first that it was what she wanted to do, and i gave her permission.  it was the best!  i can still see that head rolling around in the end zone, and i makes me happy. 

cactus flower, thanks for the support.  much appreciated.

yeah, armee, it was good, now that you mention it, that she didn't shy away from being honest about how even therapy with her has been, at times, pretty rough.  i love her honesty, her willingness to check things out with me first and not just be arrogant in the way that she thinks she knows it all.  icky L was always like that, and many of us joined her 'cult' cuz we believed she knew all the answers. and thanks for the validation about not hauling icky L off just yet.  there really are too many huge pieces to work thru.  taking on the whole thing would overwhelm me, put me in a very bad place, i'm sure.

notalone, thank you so much for all that validation.  it's good to hear it from someone else, not just stirring it over and over in my mind, hoping my perspective on it is true.  i guess there are different ways to empower a client, too.  her taking over for me in that moment was empowering for me in that it gives me the reassurance that she's got my back so i can feel safer going forward, continue to work and take risks with it.   

the last few days i've been claiming my 'space', decorating my room, putting up shelves to hold my books, and surrounding myself with my own odds and ends that i've collected over the years which have special meaning to me.  it's been good to have enough energy to be agle to do this, but what's come up this morning is some extraordinary anxiety around it.  it's like i'm proclaiming that i want to stay here at the same time, what with being  upended from places so often, i found myself scared to think this could be permanent, that i can simply relax and enjoy myself and my space.

my D has voiced a couple times lately her own fears about the same thing, which fed into my own.  i've been able to empty some boxes and toss them, but what if . . . what if she can't work and we end up having to leave? (she's been struggling with her own issues lately, hasn't been able to work for a few months.  luckily we had some savings and have been able to live off that, and we're hoping she'll qualify for disability to give her time to heal, but that's still up in the air).  our untimely move from the house on the coast still has its grips in us, which wad less than a year ago.  plus the traumatic nightmare of the move itself.

so, i did all this stuff for myself and it scared the crapola outta me upon realizing what it meant.  i will say it again - dang, i hate this!  no rest, no relaxation, no time to just enjoy.  i love my room, and it's feeling more and more like a sanctuary, but then this fear creeps in and rattles everything good out of me.  just make it to tomorrow - that's all i gotta do.  and i have therapy in the morning, so that will probably help.  i hope so.  until then, i'll just rely on getting thru the day.

[Blueberry]

Thinking of you san

[Armee]

Getting through the day can definitely be a big accomplishment and a noble goal. I see your act of setting up your belongings, like you belong, as planting your flag in the ground. You and your daughter have found this place. You have a right to make it your own and to claim happiness while you are there no matter what happens tomorrow next month or next year. Enjoying it...feeling at peace...is scary because you don't know how long, or how much it will hurt when it's over. It is brave and self-loving to say you know what? I don't know how long I'm here...but right now? This is mine and I deserve to enjoy it and to be happy. Mine. 

[Not Alone]

I have been decorating my bedroom, working on making it my safe space. I feel the peace and joy of that and at the same time I feel anger and resentment that my H took the bigger bedroom and that I am so disrupted. I understand holding two very different feelings about the room. With all the moves you have had to make, your fears make a lot of sense. I am glad that you are decorating in a way that is pleasing to you. I wish you could just completely enjoy it, but I understand your anxiety.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, as always, thank you for those hugs.  they warm my heart.

armee, i took what you wrote to heart, am pushing thru the fear in having my room the way i want.  i took down some lights from a branch i have over my bed - didn't like those wires clouding up the natural beauty of the branch.  it was a tough decision cuz i know my D will remark on it - she loved the lights on it.  still, it didn't suit me somehow, and i like it better bare.   

notalone, i feel for you on the whole bedroom thing.  i know your situation is different than mine, but i'm really glad that you are making it a safe space for you in spite of how your H hurt you by keeping the big room.  i am sorry for that, but glad you're pushing ahead for yourself as best you can. 

feeling pretty good lately.  i've recently gotten 2 nephews back into my life via e-mails, and while it's cool to have more family in my life, it's also reminding me of how much energy i need - and don't always have - to keep up correspondence with them.  i have been able to hold my own by not always immediately writing back, but giving myself a few days to let what they say settle.  that's actually a big step for me - having been taught ' NOW ' when addressed as a child, it's been a difficult one to sit myself back and allow myself time and energy to respond when i want, rather than from an expectation to write back immediately.  oooh, these old messages can be difficult to stamp out!

my last session i talked about my anxiety again re: therapy, and laid all my past T's out for my present T.  it turns out that 4 out of 5 therapists i've had were either harmful to me or abandoned me (as in leaving w/o a word), my present T being the only exception.  she told me she's discovering how many bad T's there are out there by the number of times she's had to do emdr processing on the issue with other clients. 

she wondered if it were just personal issues that had gotten in the way, and we went thru them all bit by bit, but icky L was the only one i could tell whose issues got in the way and spelled them out - misogynist, control freak, sex addict, and god complex (she once told me i could be judas to her).  she also fostered a cult, and we followed her like little ducklings.  anyway, we're going to work more on that in future sessions, but since i'm getting a sick feeling in my gut, i can tell there's a lot of trauma just writing this, so i'll stop.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate you sharing about the pause between receiving communication and responding.  It is tough to not react immediately especially if we need more time.  I hope you keep finding what supports your energy. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, rainy

just needed to write this down, get it out of me.  i mentally collapsed under the feeling of how much pain they caused me. 

[sanmagic7]

suppressed, hidden, frozen emotions came out today.  once in a dream during a nap - i was shamed and judged by my mother and felt self-loathing.  never felt that before in real life, but this is the second time i've had a disturbing dream about feeling a neg. emotion toward myself that i'd never felt in real life.

also tonight, i began sobbing, and i knew it was from the mental/emotional pain and hurt caused by the people in my life.  i feel pretty miserable  .they hurt me pretty bad.

[rainydiary]

San, I am thinking of you. 

[Armee]

I want wrap the softest blanket around your shoulders and give you a gentle safe hug, San. I feel so much sadness for what you've been through. It's so weird and scary to feel these emotions.  I wish you were never hurt so bad. I do hope the tears, while terrible to feel and remember, are healing when they are over. You deserved to have your parents and everyone in your life treat you with tenderness.

[Blueberry]

Thinking of you san. I'm sorry you're going through such painful memories, reliving them in the present. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for all the kindnesses rainy, armee, and blueberry.

feeling quite fragile right now.  had to do phone stuff getting things set up to do errands on wed.  talking to strangers, no matter how patient and gentle and helpful they are is upsetting, and i'm not sure why.

[Not Alone]

Lots of tender care for you, San.

[sanmagic7]

having computer problems for 2 weeks - see you when i can