still digging

[CactusFlower]

Good luck on your computer issues and gentle hugs for everything else!

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I just caught up with some things you'd written about in your journal here, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug, and just say I'm thinking of you    I also hope that your computer issues are able to sorted out ok. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thank you both, cactus flower and hope for the hugs and for thinking of me.  i so appreciate it.

i wrote here earlier, but it got eliminated.  can't write too much now, cuz even writing what i wrote disturbed me too much.  needless to say, i am feeling very unsettled, like there's a distrubance in my force or something.  too many things have come up in the past few weeks that i've worked on, but only once, fri., has it felt like some kind of closure.  the rest are till up in the air, messing with my mind.  as much as i'm in the trauma business, it's still so difficult to believe emotional and mental traumatizations have left me feeling like this, over and over.  i'm struggling.

several times in the past 3 weeks or so i've gotten the urge to run away.  just run.  get out of here,  it was frightening to me to think that, and it's mostly gone away, but this unsettled business is buggin' me.  i think some of it also has to do with the world scene.  that's unsettling by itself, at least to me.

ok, i want to go to sleep soon, so have to stop writing.  i've missed you all.

[Armee]

 

I understand feeling like running away. 

I'm glad you are here.

[sanmagic7]

armee, thank you for being you. i'm glad you're here, too.

[sanmagic7]

another example happened last nite.  watching a fun rom-com with my D, they talked about the movie 'camelot'.  it ended up being such a huge trigger for me that i sobbed thru the rest of the movie, felt gutted, lost my legs.  still don't have them back.  don't know when i'll get full use of them again.  what that trigger did was tap into un-felt feelings and emotions from him dumping me over 50 yrs. ago - feelings and emotions i didn't have at the time, couldn't recognize, and certainly didn't feel.  well, last nite i felt all the hurt and pain that breakup included, felt it all at once for the first time ever.  that's what i mean by this stuff coming up over and over again.

it takes me by surprise every time.  that rom-com was supposed to be a fun, enjoyable time, and instead i wound up feeling the wounds to my heart i'd never felt before.  one good thing was that i let them play out, sat with them, but the results with my legs is the cost of doing that.  it's so frustrating, tiring, wearing, and disheartening.  i had to cancel a visit w/ a friend today cuz i'm still so heartbroken and raw..

i've lived a lot of life, survived it all in some way or another, but now that my brain is beginning to unfreeze, i'm also paying the price for having survived.  sometimes it feels like it's too much and i don't want to do this anymore.

[Bach]

Sending you all the love and good thoughts, san 

[Larry]

 

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, San.

[Armee]

In my mind I'm gently draping a warm blanket over you and softly placing a warm cup of tea next to you.

This hurts. It is pain that rudely sneaks up on you when you are enjoying yourself and you never know when it's going to hit. You'll work your way through it and regain some stance but it might take long, longer than is fair. Gentle hugs if they are welcome...

[paul72]

It seems so unfair to have to pay such a hefty price so much later on... for surviving.
I hear your pain and I'm sorry that it is so much!
Sending best wishes for some peace and relief from your struggles.

[sanmagic7]

bach, larry, and CF - thanks for the hugs while i've been going thru this.  they were so appreciated. 

armee, hugs are always welcome.  thanks for your support so very much.

phil,  thanks for reaching out.  your words of support and kind wishes felt wonderful.

my legs have finally gotten nearly all the way better today, but the pain, while lessening, still lingers.  i've never really felt heartbreak before this, and the realization of how badly i'd been hurt, how much pain i've been carrying about this one episode in my life was an eye opener.  there is so much more of this inside me that hasn't surfaced yet, and i dread getting to know it in the future.

as disheartening as it is to know there's going to be more, i also logically know it's better to get it out if i want to stay sane and alive for more years to come.  i don't want to think too much about what this could look like in the future, but i know there's no way out but through.  everyone's support here helped me a lot.  part of having this happen tells me i'm in a safe enough place now for my mind to allow it.  another part lets me know the enormity of what i survived.  this chunk was probably the smallest - there are so many more relationships that have caused me pain that haven't been fully dealt with, or even explored.

i wish i could just curl up and let my time run out, without having to face these issues, but that gate has been opened now so there's no turning back.  i'll just have to brave whatever pops its head up on the horizon and muster through.  sucks.

[rainydiary]

San, it does suck to have to move through this to get to the other side.  I admire you embracing this even when it is painful and unsettling.  I find it so wild how our bodies hold onto things and the experience of it being released.

[Armee]

 

[sanmagic7]

rainy and armee, thanks for the hugs and support

i feel miserable tonite, unsettled, as rainy mentioned.  i think i'm finally grieving my first love, something i really hadn't done before.  i hate it.