still digging

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I hope that you and your daughter enjoyed the New Year celebrations you had planned - it sounded fun.  I want to send you lots of hugs and wish you the best for this new year.   

Your realization about 'brain washing' - I relate to that too.  I think my family made me feel brain washed, and a bit like they were a cult - that's something I feel, I don't know if you feel similarly - but I wanted to share that I relate to that word.

One more big hug 

Hope   

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee, thanks for such encouraging and kind words.  as you know, we are all different.  i don't know exactly how i made it thru everything with some sense of sanity left.  i do know that i've had remarkable survival skills put into place from somewhere outside of me.  call it what you will, i have had a lot of help.  i also believe that my former personality traits, such as arrogance, telling stories to myself about things that happened to make them tolerable, and the lack of feelings all kept me alive.  i do know that i needed to be here right now to help my D with her ongoing struggles. 

the brainwashing thing has kicked my butt.  more further down.  i wish you hadn't had to experience it even once.  thank you for your support, and that big hug, my dear.  so appreciated.   

hope, thank you - we really did enjoy our new year celebrations.  one of our traditions is to watch 'jay and silent bob strike back' on new year's day.  it's our super fun way to start another year.  as far as the cult thing, i definitely see that with my first T, icky L.  she groomed her clients to believe her as always right about their issues, created a support group where we discussed our issues as defined by her, and took me that extra step in making me an employee and confidante/best friend, following her word unquestioningly.  i'm sorry you experienced it.  love that big hug!   

i did a little research into brainwashing techniques.  i love researching anything that's going on with me or meds i'm ingesting, and the like.  i've been quite disturbed about this concept being a part of my life since it was mentioned to me last week, have had a difficult time coping with it.  quite disturbing, actually.  when i looked up techniques, i saw it all very clearly, from the time i was born from my F.  and i can now see why i felt unformed by the time i met icky L in my 30's - i truly had no sense of self. 

one of the things about the brainwashing process is that we are usually given just enough to stay in the relationship, even when we could get out.  of course, as a child, we can't get out, so we're trained and retrained not to be who we really are, but rather who's the best version for the others to manage and manipulate, usually thru guilt and shame.  in adult relationships, the idea of not knowing our own selves plays into more of the same, even tho we're old enough to get out, to utilize adult resources, there's just enough to keep us in. it's the most insidious process, and the one i can see with my 2 exes and D1.  i stayed too long with all of them, to my and my D's detriment.

i've got therapy tomorrow, so i'll talk more about this.  when it came up last week, a profound sadness for myself covered me like a nearly suffocating blanket.  i truly feel sorry for the me who had to battle her way from one to the next and next and next and next. it's so disheartening to me, makes me want to run away, leave, not deal with any of this anymore, get and stay numb somehow.  but, i won't. 

[Armee]

 

Wishing for a mostly peaceful week for you. Your butt doesn't need any more kicking.  You've had quite enough!

Oh my gosh I forgot about Jay and Silent Bob!!!!

[sanmagic7]

   you made my morning, armee.  on both butt kicking and J&SB - don't know why i love their raunchy ways, but they tickle my funny bone every time!  thanks for the peaceful wishes.

i realized when i was writing  about the brainwashing thing, the same happened to me as when i was reading about it - i had to stop, couldn't read it over, couldn't finish all the information in front of me.  it was all way too distressing for me to revisit the words and their meaning.  therapy today, so hopefully i'll be able to process this away, but the sudden thought that just came to me is how much might come up, even with flash technique.  it covers too many people, too many types of relationships, over too long a period of time.  oh, glory me.  just too much.

we'll have to find a way to do this a piece at a time, i think.  once again, this long history of mine works to my disadvantage.  it can be helpful in that i can relate to so many others on one level or another, but trying to get thru it myself become too much.

i feel like i'm rambling. my thoughts are all over the place in my head. 

[Not Alone]

she groomed her clients to believe her as always right about their issues, created a support group where we discussed our issues as defined by her, and took me that extra step in making me an employee and confidante/best friend, following her word unquestioningly.

Quite some time ago, I read your blog about that therapist. Reading this now I feel  .

we'll have to find a way to do this a piece at a time, i think. 

Sounds wise.       

[sanmagic7]

hey notalone, thanks for the anger toward her for me.  yesterday i told my T i suddenly had a glimmer of anger peek out thru the sadness i was feeling, so i appreciate knowing from others that anger is warranted.  i've struggled w/ that my entire life.  thanks for you vote of confidence, too. 

had a rough day after therapy yesterday.  still not processing the brainwashing concept - i'm too scared about what may come up because so many people at different points of my life, and as different relationships (daughter, mother, client, wife).  my life's abuse is so intertwined with so many people, it's difficult to concentrate on one thing without others popping up and overtaking my mind, in a very bad way. 

my T tells me she believes this will be able to be sorted out before too long.  hmmm, i've worked with her for over 2 years, and we're only seeing now how this works on me.  processing can produce not only mental and emotional disruption, but physical as well.  that's another way i've survived, i guess - my body has taken on the brunt of emotions and pain that i could never feel at the time.  now, i'm so super saturated with the past that any little stressor, even having to talk to a stranger on the phone, can send me running for medicinal aid.

something i found interesting yesterday was the idea of grief.  my D told me she has a lot of grieving to do, that she hasn't really done it properly for many different situations.  i told her i know i have a lot of grief inside, but i don't want to go thru the grieving process cuz i'm afraid there's too much hurt and pain i'd have to feel.  that's what happened nearly 3 mos. ago when i processed my ex and my pregnancy.  i shed a lot of tears, which was ok, but the pain i felt completely overtook me, doubled me over, and caused me 2 mos. of physical distress - i lost my legs several times, was too sensitive to continue watching some of the shows we were into, and the tension and stress of it caused stress flu several time. 

nope, too scared to grieve.  i remember it was 8 yrs. after my mother died, 19 yrs. after my father died that i broke thru and cried for them, for the loss and grief.  that was about 38 yrs. ago.  it was actually cathartic at the time, but i suspect that was because i hadn't become over-saturated yet by him, my D1, and icky L.  then i grieved for my ex's apathy and disconnection while i was pregnant 3 mos. ago.  i don't want to go thru that again.

i swear, i'm finding another, completely different compartment of issues being thrust in my face.  i told my T she has the hope for both of us, cuz i don't, but i will continue to show up and do the work.  whatever comes from that, at least i know i gave it everything i had.

[Bach]

It's so hard, san.  I feel similarly about the somatic therapy I've been doing for a few months.  I want to stop hurting my body, stop disregarding her needs and stuffing her with my emotional burdens, but how can I possibly change what I've done all my life to survive?  My somatic therapist tells me that it can change, it will change, she has seen it change, and I want very much to believe, but I'm just not sure.  Showing up to do the work is all we can do, and giving it all you have is brave and right.  Although visions of a healthy, stable, untraumatised life might not be realistic, there can at least be improvement.  IF we do show up and do the work.  So, big  to you for hanging in there the best you can and not giving up

[sanmagic7]

thanks so much, bach, for those words of encouragement and for 'seeing' me.  this somatic stuff just helps keep me feeling off center.  can't find any space to turn and stand my ground when i'm  physically getting hit over and over.  so very sorry you experience the same thing.  it's rough.  kudos right back atcha  for showing up and continuing to do the work as well.   

[rainydiary]

San, I hope you find some ease with the whole body experiences you are encountering. 

[owl25]

 

[Armee]

 

It's OK to not face some things right now...the brainwashing parts or the grieving. It's OK to wait. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i do, too.  this plugging and popping of my ear is annoying, irritating.  to say nothing of the tension i continue to hold and how that brings pain to my muscles.  it seems like i long time since i've felt 'good'.   

owl, thanks so much for the hug.  loved it! 

armee, i so appreciate your words.  i have to admit i'm distressed, have been since hearing about brainwashing.  it's good to hear it from someone else i don't have to deal with it right now.  thanks.

therapy tomorrow.  guess i'll take a break from processing, maybe just talk about all this instead.  i don't think i'm quite as afraid of the 'overwhelm' as i have been, so that seems like progress.  i think my brain just needs a break.

[sanmagic7]

well, instead of taking a break, i processed a lot, came up with a lot, took a 2-hr. nap later because of brain fatigue.  in the end, i haven't felt this good in a long time.  yep, something to be glad about.  i'm too tired to talk more now, maybe later. 

[Blueberry]

  for not having felt that good in a long time! Way to go, san!

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
That is great.    

Hope you have a refreshing rest after all that processing, and sending you a heartfelt hug 

Hope