new shift

[jamesG.1]

Since the new issue popped up there's been a bit of a seismic shift for me.

I think because it's so off the wall, (sorry, can't share as per usual), it's forced me to take action in a more dynamic way to push down the old habits.

Firstly, because my stress hormones were going bezerk, I went to the doc and after dodging the anti-depressant route, we agreed I'd increase my beta-blocker dose and take them on a set daily pattern. This has worked wonders frankly. My cortisol levels (I'm guessing that's what it is) dropped dramatically to the point where I'm clearer-headed than I have been for at least three years. Without that constant hormonal alarm bell ringing in my brain, I'm able to get back on the horse very quickly and start looking around me to see where I've washed up with an improved clarity.

Part of that has been to flatten down the story and start dropping some of the luggage and oddly, with that there is a kind of rejection of my old self. This is new, and I'm not totally sure I get it yet, but I've started to feel kind of angry with my old self for allowing things to get so bad without making any attempt to protect myself. This doesn't mean I'm beating on myself, this is more an objective assessment of how it panned out and my role in that.

To change we have to be able to see ourselves clearly, and to want to move away from one state of mind into another. If there wasn't a problem then why would you change? Yes the problem is that other people had a field day with your old pliable, lovable self, and that old self isnt an idiot, but that old self was wide open for abuse. That's how it feels suddenly. The weakened me isn't where I am now, so looking back at the damaged self gives me new emotions I can only have by being further down the road to recovery.

Life isn't repeating itself right now, but it is rhyming very loudly. It's as if I'm being given a second opportunity to see how human interactions lead to the dark places, and how victims and abusers take well trodden paths to exploit the kinder, gentler people around them.

To be someone new, you have to let many things go. To change you have to let some parts of yourself go, parts that seemed right and just once, but which don't fit the world we actually live in. We can't be innocents anymore, we can't advertise our weaknesses to the monsters in the forest if we wish to be happy. I was simply too kind, too accomodating and I gave too many people the benefit of the doubt.

Now it's a more measured view of reality, and of the benefits and flaws in a world at large. There are monsters, and there are songbirds. Both are rare, but the majority are in the muddy middle. You build your patch and you insulate against extremes. That's the only logical way to live.

I've obviously crossed a big line on this, it's a lot to digest.

Will let you know.

[woodsgnome]

What I'm sensing for you, JamesG, seems somewhat similar to some experiences I had along my life's route, in retreat from the traumas that shocked my entire system.

Basically, I've noticed that when I stopped strongly resisting the idea of change, I found it easier to adjust to new viewpoints which boosted my sense of being okay with myself. I'm still in flux, though, and that needs to be adjusted to as well.

I might be reading you wrong, but that's what I sense reading of your slow trek out of the old self. The new parts can seem as terrifying as the old, but just being open to accept the surprises (good and/or bad) bodes well for clearing mind-space in which a new life can begin to function.

I hope you can continue noticing this uptick in how you seem to be handling the transition. It's not always dramatic but even small surprises might help the positive-sounding shift round the next bend. 

[Kizzie]

That's amazing James, I'm truly happy for you    I personally would love to hear how it's going.    

Your comments about putting boundaries in place is such a vital recovery tool I've found. What's been a bit of a challenge is knowing what is the mushy middle - those who aren't actually abusive, but are just living their own life being who they are and who trod on toes occasionally.  A work in progress for me but I like that I am better able to regulate my reactions and not isolate as much.

Tks for sharing, always good to hear when a member is making progress.

[jamesG.1]

I think a huge part is letting go of the injustice vibe. I was undoubtedly wronged on an industrial scale, and those that didn't wrong me left me out to dry, or delivered the predictable condescension reserved for mental health sufferers, but so what? It's done. It can't be undone.

And yes, while at my worst I stumbled around blindly making all sorts of mistakes. But look at the symptoms of this thing, you are not making sense, you take risks, trust the wrong people, hit the bottle, the pills, the wall. You rack up debts, you get sick. You lose jobs, relationships, time. Your concentration evaporates, you forget stuff.

Criticising yourself, or feeling shame for the resulting mess is as daft as blaming yourself for walking slowly after a broken leg. Of course, someone with C-PTSD is going to struggle to keep a straight path. Sadly, most people lack the empathy or intelligence to understand any of this and instead of helping, they stand at the edge of the pitch judging your decline.

So... you want that reversed, of course you do. So you try to gain their understanding, empathy and intervention, but it has the opposite effect and you just feed this skewed image of yourself to your detractors and your self-esteem and public face nose-dives.

Learning to live with that is tough. People you not only need, but crave, push you back down the rope, oblivious to the simplicity of what you need from them. A small word of encouragement and understanding would go so far but somehow it's rarer than dragon eggs.

I've had to decide that this doesn't matter. You have to. Yes it's unfair, but it WON'T change.

That's a big thing right now. I've been pushing it a while but with a bit of space to rationalise it, it seems to have reached a tipping point.

Don't live your life dependant on the validation of others, it's asking for trouble.

[jamesG.1]

Another thing...

Because the new issue is so odd and ripe for gossip, I've had to break a habit of a lifetime and not seek second opinions. If I share it, then it's everywhere.

This has forced me to re-evaluate my tendency to involve people that should be kept out of the loop because they are either so judgemental they will weave it into some destructive narrative, or they'll feed it up the chain to my abusers. I've had to keep silent.

It's a good exercise.

Careless talk costs lives, as they used to say in WW2.

[Armee]

I just wanted to pop in and say hi. How are things going this week?

The insights and inner strengths you are building through this will last much longer than the storm.

[jamesG.1]

Holding pattern...

I could hear any time... or not. Am assuming not.

Enough is enough I think, I've done enough life events by any measure, and I've suffered enough... it will come, and it will go.

[Kizzie]

   Thinking of you James