Accepting Myself

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I agree with that it is brave to reduce or end contact with people that are no longer adding what you want to your life.  It is also very difficult and sad and mourning makes sense. 

I hope that this time brings you some support and clarity for how you would like to move forward and what you would like to bring with you and what you would like to leave behind.

[Blueberry]

Thank you rainydiary.
I hope that the inpatient stay will help me sort out what I want to leave behind and what I want to take forwards. But also a good idea to figure out some of that beforehand. Fortunately there are questionnaires to fill out beforehand. They're hard-going although it's hardly the first time I've done similar but they are helping me focus on what is now and what do I want to achieve during the stay.

[Blueberry]

So have I done what I planned to (see I Deserve My Pay thread)?? No. I distracted myself instead. Flight.

While distracting myself, something else occurred to me. I don't want to say 'grooming' because I don't know if it's that deliberate, but - there are people who give me presents or nice things despite the friendship or relationship being in turmoil. And I want to shout back: "That's not what I want! I don't want your money" and then whisper "I want respect and acceptance of my decisions and especially of my boundaries." Whisper because it is very hard to say, finding words for it is very new. Asking for what I want is very new. I've been able to shout "No, not that!" for longer, at least in my head or in group therapy and places like that. But sometimes also irl.

[Blueberry]

Finally finished and sent my invoice

[Hope67]

   That is great, Blueberry.   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

The title of my Journal is apt.

I'm actually still in inpatient treatment but often come home on the weekend to do various things.

So, accepting myself when I've been messing up and messing other people around. The Ts and other personnel are all very gentle and patient with me. But. More and more the reactions I get from other people remind me of the way M used to get reactions from people. So what am I doing wrong? Making people feel 'supervised', 'watched over' even. It's not just the people here either.

It's quite a messy topic actually. There are about 6 childhood topics stuck beneath all that. But as I say, the inpatient place is patiently explaining this and that to me but also sometimes engaged in dialogue with Inner Children as I see how certain behaviours of mine aggravate others and we end up in a ping-pong game of over-reaction, exaggeration of truths, stubborness etc. It's really hard work. Though I am making progress in reducing self-condemnation. I have a lot of trouble retaining the realisations I come up with and can hardly write them in my paper Journal either. Sometimes I manage to put them on paper in various art forms.

I did have some FOO phone contact last weekend - due to an email I initiated the phone contact. It was difficult, especially after the fact. I know I'm correct to be retaining my boundaries there, also with both ex-friends.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I was thinking of you, and wondering how you are.  It's great to read your update here in your journal, and it sounds like challenging but worthwhile things that you're doing there. 

Sending you a hug if you would like one  and I've missed you. 

Wishing you the best for your remaining time there.

Hope 

[Armee]

I'm so happy to see an update from you. 

I know from my own experience of confronting things like that how excruciatingly painful it is at first before it mellows into something closer to balanced truth and further from shame and self blame. Sending lots of support your way.

I am relieved to hear that you continue to see that it is right for you to maintain the boundaries with FOO and exfriends and wish I could have been there to support you in the aftermath of that difficult call with FOO.

[rainydiary]

I am thinking of you.

[CactusFlower]

Happy to see an update from you! it sounds like the inpatient work is being useful to you. Wishing you the best and missing you here. gentle hugs if you want them!

[sanmagic7]

been thinking of you, blueberry - so glad you're doing ok, and that you're finding some things that are helping you.  also very glad they're being patient and gentle with you there.  as for the realizations not sticking atm, i don't doubt they will rise again when needed, giving you an 'aha' moments or tidy resolution.  so very proud of you for doing this,  keep up the good work.

interesting to note the interactions among the group, how they can lead to what you described.  i'm glad it's being dug into - quite the learning experience, i'd imagine.  love and a big hug filled with care.

[Snowdrop]

Hugs to you, Blueberry.

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, good to hear from you. I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are. You are doing really hard work. Glad you are receiving acceptance and kindness from yourself and from others.

[Blueberry]

Thank you everybody so much for your messages of support and encouragement while I was inpatient.

You're right, notalone, it was an awful lot of hard work.

_________

So, now I've been home a week. My burst of energy has disappeared and remains gone most of the time. But I have experience with inpatient stays and aftermath and know that can happen.

I thought about starting a new Journal, post-inpatient, but when I checked my very first post in this Journal, I saw it's the same topic: It's quite OK for me to be who I am now, with all my difficulties, instead of trying to be some ideal version of who I am. And it's quite OK for me to do things at my pace.

Also the result of those musings: So focussing on accepting myself and knowing that with this self-acceptance I will move forwards in ways I hadn't even planned on.

I am now moving forwards in unplanned ways. This is partially I know because during inpatient stays recovery comes in its own way at its own pace in a more noticeable way than at home. The new idea I have growing in me is to give up my office and give up most of my business activities. I have had this impulse before, but kept going again after a while. That was not planned on before I went inpatient nor even while I was inpatient. During my stay I was thinking more about what I could or even should (that 'should' again) give up in my private life so that I have more energy for work because viewing my life everything seemed too much That's me stuck under a pile of everyday life plus work plus LL plus FOO negotiations plus computers and other communication technology from this century plus aging Furbabies and vet trips and worry plus continuing recovery work from inpatient stay plus one or two forms of therapy which will start in the next weeks plus who knows what else.

My idea during inpatient stay was: give up keeping Furbabies, give up at least one choir if not both, give up the advocacy work I do, maybe give up farm work and then see what else. The thing is: most of those give me energy, a sense of belonging and purpose and are relatively easy to do whereas most of my professional work takes way longer than it should and often robs me of energy. Even one-on-one teaching can take longer (the prep) and involves office work and a whole pile of other stuff which has become increasingly difficult.

The progress in self-acceptance which has crept up on me unawares due to inpatient stay and recovery there is: the Inner Part of me which spews out FOO's attitudes from my childhood/teen years is being quiet on that front. Nothing and nobody is screaming words like l_ _ _ r  or f_ _ _ _ r_. It's best if I don't repeat those words at all or read them later. That's why I've left out most of the letters.

Today was a public holiday here. I sang with the choir in the morning. If not for that and for having arranged a ride with another choir mbr the day before, I probably wouldn't have even got up. In fact, I went back to bed afterwards and didn't get up again until the evening when I went outside into the garden and ended up doing some harvesting/weeding. So it's pretty obvious what does me good, and it's not professional work. I tried so long to make something out of it, partly because the work itself kept me going, gave me a purpose, a reason to get up. But it's no longer working that way.

[sanmagic7]

those are some huge realizations, blueberry.  recovery work is draining, even when we figure out what's best for us and what's not.  please, take your time.  still thinking of you.   as we've heard before here, this, too, shall pass.  love and hugs