Accepting Myself

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your update Blueberry - I especially appreciate you sharing the distinction between what gives you energy and what doesn't. 

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, you have a lot that you are processing. Besides that, I would think that going from inpatient to home would take adjustment and would be tiring.

[Armee]

Giving up the things that rob your energy instead of the things you love is very wise. Not always easy in a practical sense but so much better for you.

[Blueberry]

I lay about all weekend, dozing in the daytime and reading and doing crosswords at night plus not accepting myself for any of that. But now I sort of understand why I was doing that - gearing up for new changes. Clearing out both office and apartment so I can amalgamate them.

While inpatient I had a lot of art therapy - I was very lucky to get so much. What I mostly painted was abstract with big swathes of colour and quickly, yawning all the way. 5 minutes for a biggish sheet of paper and then onto the next one. The energy involved with that - that's what is coming now to help me clear out. Considering it was just on Friday (this is Monday) that I decided to end rental contract of office and give up trying to make all that work, I'm actually doing quite well. Also considering how difficult it can be for me to part with things. The acceptance came a few days late, but it has come!

[CactusFlower]

Sounds like you've made great strides! That kind of fast art can really speak to the subconscious, I think, because the speed doesn't allow for overthinking. (I like crosswords too.)  Welcome back!

[woodsgnome]

I ran across a metaphor recently I liked in regards to moving on without the nagging from the 'old self' and its distractions.

Basically, the first mind-image is to picture oneself as having just boarded a plane traveling to a distant destination. Seated next to a window, one can still see a motley group of sad folks seeing you leave them. These include anger, resentment, and all the other pals of inner critic. You watch, without gloating but some inner satisfaction, as the plane hurtles forward into the open sky.

Upon your return, the lonely gang of gazers is gone, and you don't miss them. Thought of them maybe flit in but mostly you know they're not there. Now comes that new life and you have a cleaner slate on which to write the story.

Okay, I liked that. It's prob not terribly original, but I find these sorts of metaphors useful, and hope it may have at least created another sort of image depicting what it is you've returned to.

[Blueberry]

no, woodsgnome, that's a good metaphor, it's helpful.

My subconscious was speaking through the fast art, I'd say. In the clinic I put most of my artwork up on the walls of my room but haven't done that at home because While in the clinic I liked to see all those different colours in big swathes and feel back what it was like to do those big swathes but now I'm feeling what else that art work is bringing

I had an appt with my psycho-doc today and even he said I need to take time and be patient with myself after such a long inpatient stay. I don't think I've ever heard that before - it was always more like people (including those in my mind like previous Ts) chivying me along to make decisions now-now-now and move on and how much of your life are you going to spend on this past stuff

[Not Alone]

I had an appt with my psycho-doc today and even he said I need to take time and be patient with myself after such a long inpatient stay.

           

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate you sharing the reminder of being patient and noticing the push to make it all happen now. 

[dollyvee]

I had an appt with my psycho-doc today and even he said I need to take time and be patient with myself after such a long inpatient stay. I don't think I've ever heard that before - it was always more like people (including those in my mind like previous Ts) chivying me along to make decisions now-now-now and move on and how much of your life are you going to spend on this past stuff

Hi Blueberry,

Welcome back  I'm so sorry your previous t said that to you. I would find that really hurtful though I might not have realized it. In the beginning, my t reminded me to be gentle with myself and it took me a really long time to understand what that meant/felt like. I'm still unpacking it. There was so much pressure to be this and do that growing up that it felt like no matter who I was, or where I was at, could ever be good enough. I'm coming to realize that there's often this idea(l) of what we think we will be like or what kind of person we will be when we're healed, that we miss who is actually going through that process, which is the part of us that deserves care.

Sounds great that you've made all these new decisions for yourself and are taking time for you. Must be nice to be back with the furbabies.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Blueberry]

Thank you dollyvee for your support.
______________

I came on to write something that I feel like writing somewhere. It's not very uplifting for anybody else but it is what it is.

I don't feel capable of anything atm that is to say work or even housework or looking after my furbabies. Just want to lie and doze and read. But I'm going to go to an afternoon meet where we drink tea/coffee and play games. At least I will drink some tea which will give me some healthy fluid intake.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i'm so glad to hear what your psycho-doc told you.  glad about the contract as well.  for as long as i've 'known' you, you've been battling a person, a situation, a trigger, and it has had to be exhausting.  i think it's a really good thing to allow yourself to lie low for as long as you need.  sending love and a hug filled w/ self-acceptance.

[Blueberry]

Ha! I discovered I was stuck in a Part, which I suppose is maybe another way of saying EF.

While I was inpatient, they discovered I have more of a dissociative disorder than I thought - not the kind where you suddenly end up somewhere and you don't know how you got there but more like a semi-permanent thing of not being in my present-day adult and needing to get back in so that I can and even want to function in today's world. Not until I'm back in my functioning-in-today modus do I realise: of course I need to get back into today's adult! And I even want to. But before I come back, I wonder "Why not stay in this state? Maybe it's useful for something?" Then I eventually realise "Um, no. The Inner Parts of previous years are not in today's world, they don't have the tools for existing and acting and doing in June 2022, they don't even have the knowledge. Some of them are still frightened of FOO and don't know how far away FOO is etc."

When I don't feel in 2022, then I can't teach - some giggling 16yo has been trying to take on the teaching prep but fortunately I got back into somebody more current by the time I was actually teaching.

Rather unfortunately my psycho-doc doesn't understand this diagnosis.

_____________
Thank you san for your support. Yes it has been very exhausting. In inpatient they asked me what my goals were. I never came up with: being less exhausted, being less triggered because I didn't know it was even possible but it is!
The occupational T said to me one day in inpatient: I have the impression this activity has exhausted you.
It was true, I was totally exhausted after putting some of my own pictures in a paper collage, which is something I had wanted to do! More or less everything exhausts me, probably meaning I'm seldom in my Adult of today. 

However, I'll get further by accepting myself as is than haranguing myself.

[paul72]

hi blueberry ...

stuck in a part.... I like that expression.. it captures it rather perfectly I would say.
Thanks for sharing about not being present and how it relates to even wanting to function in today's world. This resonates a lot with me.
I hope you had a wonderful afternoon of tea and games and I love that you're choosing to be accepting of yourself

[dollyvee]

Hi Blueberry,

That's great that you've less exhausted and less triggered 

dolly

***I wanted to edit what I wrote as I thought maybe you felt a bit ashamed (?) to bring up how you were you feeling about not wanting to take care of the furbabies. I'm coming to realize that "healing" is not about having an absence of feelings that make us uncomfortable, but to be able to sit with them and not let them take over. Perhaps there is a tendency to want to get rid of those things, maybe it's just me or maybe it's for everyone. I think it's what's called toxic positivity (though putting toxic in front of everything seems problematic too), and I think it's better to be able to acknowledge the uncomfortable stuff. Most people don't want to acknowledge it because it makes them uncomfortable too. So, just wanted to say that I hear what you're saying. Sending you support.