Accepting Myself

[Armee]

You have been working so hard to heal Blueberry. I wish your family had not hurt you so badly. Their abuse is unacceptable and I believe you that they caused dissociation and depression at such a young age.

Your acceptance of where you are at right now is admirable. I've spent a lot of energy fighting the truth of my symptoms and it isn't helpful. The times I've accepted the full truth of just how bad they are have been the times I've been able to make more progress and i hope the same is true for you, because you do deserve some relief, you deserve to be able to get closer to the furnace without being  burned. To take steps to protect and stand up for yourself without being thrown off kilter. I completely relate to what you said about needing extra steps.

I'm cheering you on Blueberry as you accept where you are and just how severe your cPTSD is. You deserve to be accepted as you are and you deserve to get better and you deserve to have help with daily living until you access more healing.

You are very strong and loveable and worthy, just as you are Blueberry. Thank you for sharing and being here.

Much love,

Armee

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much for your lovely words and validation, Armee I read it yesterday too and it did me a lot of good.   

Additional Good Things / Things I Achieved:
Yesterday I finally wrote 2 long-overdue bills.

Today I wrote 2 to-the-point missives (emails) to a small group and one individual person in the bike club where there are definite problems in the ethics of discussion and decision-making...

I also wrote to the woman at a higher level of our bike club taking her up on offered help for here at the local level. (Fingers crossed she doesn't back out this time w/o telling me in advance.)

Despite feeling a bit tired after all those rather difficult emails, I have more energy, I suppose of a different type otherwise this would be rather oxymoron-ous. And I feel good having achieved those emails finally and spoken my truth again. But I also think I did quite well in not blowing my top or writing inappropriate things or things likely to make the situation worse.  (3 Good Things all rolled into one there).

Yesterday I sang with some remnants of the choir. There were 3 of us. I did have some trouble with the correct notes but I sang anyway. It quite simply does me good. I'll be singing at Christmas too. Choir mbrs are divided up into different services due to Covid restrictions, which is a fair way of doing it.

[Armee]

 

Lots of good brave things Blueberry!!!

[Not Alone]

Bravo for writing those emails.

Glad you are singing. I trust it will bring joy to you and to those who listen.

[woodsgnome]

Here we are, voiceless and speaking only via words appearing on these screens. And yet there's magic here, too -- it can come through via thoughts we resonate with, stories of hurting people bravely finding new insights, and lots more of 'who-woulda-thought-it' moments that are shared here.

Reading of your singing, Blueberry, was another example of how we can lift each other's spirits. Reading of your recent return to the joy of singing did that for me. Those few simple words turned to music as they wonderfully described your delight at re-engaging with life in this special way.

Thank you.

[Hope67]

  to you Blueberry.  I'm also glad you've been singing. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you everybody. 

Today I feel sad, tired, depressed. I suppose those emails did it in for me and make me feel sad as well as tired. I did go to the morning church service to sing but then spent the day on my bed, mostly dozing.

Surprisingly I got a response from the local leader of our bike club, where he's agreed to a mediated talk with someone from the women's network.

Tomorrow I want to go and speak to LL. I don't expect that it will make much difference but I do want to say a few things. I don't just have the feeling that he will always win. He will win, he will get what he wants. This is a case where I'm working on accepting myself as not being equal to winning against someone like him.

About 18 months ago, he asked why I wasn't paying the full office rent as made out in the rental agreement. I told him in writing that the previous LL had lowered it for me and would get back to him about it to confirm. Current LL sent me a Read Confirmation on my email. I found it rather strange that he seemed to accept the lowered rent and didn't raise it immediately himself. Well, he's raised it now retroactively back to the time he bought the building, meaning I have to pay over €1500 this week to cover it all, otherwise he'll take legal action against me. A few days ago I asked previous LL if he'd spoken to current LL. He said he hadn't because current LL never answered the phone or got back to him, which I can believe because that's exactly how current LL treats me. Over €1500 is a big dip into my profit this year, due to Corona and my own shakey state of health, which was further exacerbated by all that harassment from LL and business neighbour over the summer. If only I'd known at the beginning of the business year I'd be paying so much back, there are at least a couple of smallish business expenses I would have decided against this year. Not that it would have made much difference really.

Well, this is also an area in which self-acceptance is the way to go.  I didn't know in advance. LL is the way he is and acts the way he is. I can't change him. And myself, well, I can only change myself slowly. I have cptsd and all that it entails in my particular case. That also is something to accept.

I don't imagine speaking to LL will make any difference to the money, but I still want to (politely) give him a piece of my mind about his tactics.

[Armee]

Oh my gosh that's awful Blueberry! Here we have tenant right organization's wonder if you have the same. That kind of notice and time line seems unreasonable given the lack of communication.

[Blueberry]

Well, here's another case of my fear being worse than the actual thing. It was the same with the last round of interpreting I did too.

Anyway, today I gathered my courage and my papers in both hands and dropped by on LL's office. It seems he has time for you if you do that whereas he doesn't have time if you email or phone. After some blustering and what have you, he agreed I could pay the proper amount as of Jan. 2022 but do not have to pay back from the previous almost 3 years.  Phew!  I do have 2 or 3 hundred euros to pay LL for a separate reason but that's understandable in the circs.

I also asked him if he couldn't get back to me when I contact him e.g. all last summer when business neighbour was being a total pain in the neck but unfortunately LL did some huge blustering and poor-me- stuff about him being harassed by business neighbour too. As if he couldn't treat business neighbour the way he treats me when he wants me to 'behave'. However, I will have to accept that LL is not willing to show business neighbour who's boss.

But now I know, LL requires me to drop by and talk to him rather than try and phone or worse email or even worse involve the Tenants' Rights Association.

[Armee]

 

Wow Blueberry! That is great news and took a lot of courage!!!

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee!   

Taking this step has helped me believe a bit what my T says: I have recourse to things I didn't as a child/teen or even adult in FOO. LL isn't even necessarily quite as toxic as present-day FOO. Kind of seemed that way because I think that was my fear based on FOO. I'm not going to get all friendly with LL or really trust him, but I do seem to have got through to him. I even asked him to write and sign the original letter he sent stating the changes. That's not something FOO does these days or has done in the last years. They just don't get back to me. And then they pretend that what I wrote was incomprehensible, illogical etc.

Now I feel some agency, rather than complete powerless ness, so I've been getting on with all sorts of stuff today. I also no longer feel as if I might as well throw in the towel business-wise. It's still hard-going, with Corona. Last night I had some creative ideas about moving my office back into my apartment only to remember that it wouldn't work because I don't really have the space for plexiglas and distancing and so on. Now: relief, reprieve - I don't have to think about handing in my notice quite so soon.

[Blueberry]

I even felt good enough to accept an additional work order for this week! I do think it'll be a little on the difficult side, but otoh it's good to accept when I more or less can do the work, otherwise people won't get back to me another time.

[Not Alone]

Very brave of you. I'm proud of you.

[Blueberry]

Gave somebody else a piece of my mind today, including saying his behaviour wasn't fair. He got really loud and angry and people started staring. I didn't lose my cool or my train of thought, which is good going for me. Nor did I give him the information he wanted: the name and phone number of our elected group leader who he wanted to phone and idk complain about me to or explain why his behaviour is 'fair' after all.   He ended up telling me instead why his behaviour is 'fair' - 'interesting' reasons. And although officially I can't speak for the local bike club I'm in, nor can those who've been allowing this guy to go against what we decided on a couple of years ago! They do it because they know this guy from some other club or they're not capable of saying 'No' or something or other. Some of them are quite capable of pushing me out though or 'shutting me up' though I am an active mbr.

So I feel good about just going ahead and saying something today without asking permission or leaving it and hoping somebody else will finally do it, though none except the elected leader have any more right to do it than I do. They just take that right, well, the men do anyway, which is why I've been contacting the women's network.

[Blueberry]

Should have declined, should have declined, should have declined. The order I took on Dec. 20th.

Due in 20 mins and I'm most definitely not going to make it. Originally it would've been due in 3 hours and 20 minutes. I actually said yesterday that I'd try to get it in earlier since the lawyer brought the appointment forward 3 hours. The company I'm freelancing for isn't even in the office yet. Thanks guys.

So what do I need to accept about myself here? 1. I should have declined. 2. I don't know enough about the subject in question. 3. Procrastinating isn't helpful and I tend to NOT start my work when I could 4. That's something I tend to do but now is not the best time to analyse WHY. 5. I should have declined, should have declined, should have declined. Earning money is important but not this important.
That's me drowning  actually. But it's my own fault. Difficult to accept and to own up to, well it would be if I could reach the company I'm freelancing for...