Accepting Myself

Started by Blueberry, December 10, 2021, 10:09:15 PM

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Blueberry

Feel exhausted today, all worn out. In a good kind of way though. No, nothing's changed in the day-to-day scheme of things, but idk, I feel a bit lighter I suppose you could say.

Blueberry

Now I know what my new-but-now-ex T did wrong: she asked a stupid question. Had I thought of telling B2 that I would like more and easier contact with my niece/goddaughter?
In fact now I come to think of it, she asked several stupid questions because there were also ones about stuff going on in the building where I live e.g. had we (which means me in this building) tried a custodial timetable? Well, that only works if the other parties want to actually be involved.

Anyway some part of me gets so mad at these stupid questions.
Response, dripping with sarcasm: "Well I never! What a clever idea! I never would have thought of it without you."

What I'd really like to say: "FFS, look at the amount of time I have spent in therapy! Look at the progress I have made! Listen to all I have told you about my deranged and abusive family! Listen to what I have already tried and the amount of unmitigated &%§ I have put up with at the hands of FOO and in this building/at the hands of a succession of LLs and neighbours who apparently a) want a free ride and b) don't give a &?%$
Read what previous Ts have said about me and THINK for &%?§ sake, THINK!"

What I did instead is eventually leap out of my seat, start gesticulating and talking tho Idk what anymore. That helped me unfreeze, gave me more space ie. created more space between me and T (I'm remembering now that last time I was with FOO at Horrendous Event no.2 I had only to get 60 miles away from them all to start realising some home truths e.g. NO, I do NOT have to 'learn to just put up with M and SIL2'). Moving around aka unfreezing also helps me realise what's going on and gives me words or some other tool to protect myself and/or Littles from a bunch of assumptions. These assumptions go along the lines of: you're too small, dumb, young, naive, inexperienced to have thought of this yourself. From FOO it's even: How DARE you even think of protecting yourself, standing up for yourself, asserting yourself w/o consulting with us first?? And of course when you do consult with us, we will suggest you stand down otherwise you're going to get hurt (by one of us).

I think if I remember correctly or noticed accurately that when I leaped to my feet, T took note and did a double take. I'm also remembering plus piecing together from what I was told afterwards that when I confronted M with there having been CSA (for which I had to get into an extremely dissociated state), I was standing up looking down at her in her chair where - apparently- she felt like a child being told off. That was during Horrendous FOO Event no.1 which I didn't manage to leave unscathed. But FOO certainly did take note. Of course still whispering among each other and trying to decide how best to 'deal with' me. Hence their treatment of me at Horrendous FOO Event no.2, especially SIL2 and both my brothers taking things into their hands: "we can't allow BB to 'spoil' the family holiday aka rock the family boat in anyway".

Armee

Oh Blueberry. That scene you paint of the FOO events sounds so painful. I can believe your M reacted like that because of how your FOO is, but it is horrendous anyway.

But wow am I impressed and inspired by your step to jump up and move and gesticulate when your T asked those really insulting and frustrating and patronizing questions. That really would work for unfreezing and is brilliant.  :thumbup:

Blueberry

Quote from: Armee on August 04, 2022, 01:42:25 PM
But wow am I impressed and inspired by your step to jump up and move and gesticulate when your T asked those really insulting and frustrating and patronizing questions. That really would work for unfreezing and is brilliant.  :thumbup:
Thanks! It sort of happened I think. I didn't have a plan to do so but my T-of-the-past-5-years taught me to be aware of impulses for physical movement and where appropriate/possible to act on these.

Thanks for calling those questions insulting and patronizing! You're right. That's what they are.

CactusFlower

They totally were, yes! Reading that made me think of how some people like me who have fibromyalgia and other invisible disabilities get those "have you tried yoga/xx food/essential oils/other useless idea" type of questions. I would have been sarcastic too. (although I do that a lot, ha ha) I think the jumping up meant that a part of you felt confident and safe enough to put physical distance between you rather than just sitting and freezing. It wasn't inappropriate, in my sole opinion.  Gentle hugs to you.

Blueberry

Actually the sarcasm didn't come till a while afterwards in my head, but the jumping up did the trick! Since then I received an email saying T is sorry that not "all of you" felt safe with her which was really weird because she'd never addressed me and my parts in that way. Anyway, I learnt some stuff from her in those 3 sessions and I'm back on my way.

Realising that T's questions were patronising and then that M makes insulting and patronising remarks led to me realising that both B1 and B2 patronise me as well. What a FOO.

sanmagic7

what a FOO indeed, blueberry.  how awful for you to experience that same crapola w/ your T, and i'm so glad your true you was able to stand up for yourself.  well done!  :thumbup:  sending love and a hug filled w/ more!  :hug:

Armee

I'm shaking my head because the way T talked about parts of you makes it seem like she is blaming you for being sensitive instead of being introspective herself.

Blueberry

Thank you Armee.  :)   I think that T needs to learn a few things.

I have zero plans, zero goals. Not even the goal of enjoying anything. Just lie around dozing and reading. It's not even particularly hot anymore, so I could enjoy being outdoors. But I'm not going outdoors much.

CactusFlower

I don't think we really need to have goals 24/7. I think sometimes we just to be, without expectation or effort. Gentle hugs if you want them.  :hug:

Blueberry

Thank you CF. Your words remind me to just accept myself as is, w/o any plans or whatever.

sanmagic7

i second that, blueberry.  sometimes doing nothing is the right thing to do.  love and hugs :hug:

Hope67

Quote from: Blueberry on August 02, 2022, 06:01:50 PM


What I'd really like to say: "FFS, look at the amount of time I have spent in therapy! Look at the progress I have made! Listen to all I have told you about my deranged and abusive family! Listen to what I have already tried and the amount of unmitigated &%§ I have put up with at the hands of FOO and in this building/at the hands of a succession of LLs and neighbours who apparently a) want a free ride and b) don't give a &?%$
Read what previous Ts have said about me and THINK for &%?§ sake, THINK!"



Hi Blueberry,
I think this is very well said indeed.   :cheer:

:hug:
Hope  :)

Blueberry

Thank you Hope :hug:

_____________________

I continue to do more or less zero. Lie in bed and do crosswords, read, doze. There are things I need to do but I'm not doing them. Motivation? Nope. Sort of old question: Can I allow myself free time w/o being ill? Answer: No.

I'm very withdrawn atm. I know I won't move on until I decide to. But. I'm sick of having to decide to. Sick of it not being an automatic thing. 

Armee

Hi Blueberry I think it is ok to crash right now and just do nothing. And if you really feel like you need to do something I've watched you time and again pull yourself out of it when it is time...until eventually you are super productive. Maybe one day it'll be a more even level of doing and resting. For now, rest is what you need.