Accepting Myself

[Armee]

 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee, that felt calming when I saw it in the middle of my self-induced stress   At least I suppose it's self-induced. Another adult I know suggested I might have ADD because not getting on with things is one symptom. I did one of those online tests and the result was: NO. Fortunately. cptsd is enough.

I think quite frankly that I need to go and sleep for a while. I was falling asleep teaching my student half an hour ago.

I did more or less manage my deadline, well the original one, not the 3 hours earlier one.

In my previous post I wrote "it's my own fault" which is the sort of sentiment I often heard from FOO. So how I could word that in a more helpful and less accusatory and triggering way? I need to get away from the bit about 'fault'. More useful would be to feel in advance whether I can really do the work and whether I have enough wherewithal and whether I've been in touch with my resiliency recently. And otherwise I'm blank so it's maybe not a good time to be figuring this out either.

[Armee]

I think managing your original deadline suggests a lot of wisdom and self awareness was present and that your line of thinking right now of tuning in to your wisdom will be helpful and protective. The "It's my fault" thinking is my go to protective mechanism. It's not healthy anymore and let's us be taken advantage of by others, but in the past it was like putting on a thick layer of armor to fend off the abuse at least for me. Hurts less if I say it first, too. I'm trying to switch it up as well. I do really like your approach of listening to yourself up front and accepting the reality of where we are currently. And maybe thinking through how the dynamics worked that moved you from theboriginal deadline to the shorter one.

I definitely had loads  of ADHD and autism symptoms that were all at their core cPTSD. Many of them have improved with treatment for the trauma, although focusing on work was still a challenge. Hah a few months into therapy I told my therapist I thought I had autism. He said it was an interesting theory. 

[Alter-eg0]

For me personally, changing the word "fault" to "responsibility" changed a lot. That brought me out of victim mode, and into a place where I felt empowered to take ownership of my life.
It moved me away from focusing on what was wrong and who's fault it was, to a more positive "how do I want it" and "how am I going to get there". And it helps remind me that whatever I do, it's my choice, and if the result doesn't work for me, I can choose to learn/do something else.

[Blueberry]

in the past it was like putting on a thick layer of armor to fend off the abuse at least for me. Hurts less if I say it first, too. 

That's interesting. I used to repeat the nasty, untrue, unhelpful words that FOO said to me. You're right it was like armor to fend off what was coming. And yes, I think it hurt less if I said it to myself first anyway.

The company was OK about my translation coming in late. They hope to do further work with me in the coming year. I feel ashamed and haven't sent the bill yet. I also hope the translation was OK, not sure it was.

Before that one was finished I got an enquiry about another one, due ASAP, that I most definitely do not feel the wherewithal to do. I was the only translator asked but that still doesn't make it my duty to do it. I've asked permission to post it on the professional association website so hopefully somebody else does it. But it's still not my job to make sure someone does.
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Christmas.
Been in bed, mostly. Just ignoring it. I could have been at church this morning or actually right now singing in the choir but that would have involved getting up, showering, brushing hair etc. However I really should get it together for this evening's service because there's a limited number allowed to sing and it's not fair to everybody else if I just don't show up.

I did read some Christmas stories, mostly children's. I wonder if I'm a bit like Scrooge, though my reasons for more or less leaving Christmas out this year are different from his. I'm feeling contrary like Mary in "The Secret Garden". Another book I've been dipping into today.

I've been needing to attend to one of my little furbabies, unbandaging and rebandaging her paw. Putting ointment on in between. The vet needed her assistant in order to do it. 4 hands. I have 2 hands. So I'm worried about this little furbaby but I'm not taking any steps to alleviate the problem. I know NOT acting on things is the choice I'm making. Even before Christmas I didn't know who I could ask, whereas over Christmas... There isn't anybody.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I think that translator job you did was something amazing that you managed to get to them, and it sounds like they appreciated that you got it to them, even though it was slightly outside the time span agreed - honestly, I think they're lucky that they got your work, and I really hope that you're able to send them your bill, if you feel able to, as you deserve your pay.  (Please don't mind me, I am just expressing that I think you are conscientious and I honestly think you'd be good at what you do, so I think your translation will be really good).  (If I'm over-stepping any marks by saying that, please don't take too much notice of me).

I'm glad you read some Christmas stories and especially The Secret Garden, such a wonderful book.  Mary is a nice character - I relate to her.  If you feel 'contrary' like her, that's your right to be contrary and express whatever thoughts, feelings etc that you have.  They are yours and yours alone!



Hope 

[Blueberry]

I wanted to write some more things but notice suddenly how tired I am - which might well not be real physical tiredness but rather some emotional stuff.

As I wrote over on the Difficult Day thread, I was in a huge EF but now I'm out of that again

I had a useful and generally informative talk with a trauma T at one of the local inpatient places I could go to. She needed to find out more about my trauma story particularly my symptoms and I wanted to see if they know more than 'average' and can deal with somebody like me who is further along in healing and quite frankly a little 'difficult' as in they can't just put me on the trauma T conveyor belt and hope it all pans out and then get angry at me if it doesn't. The T was surprisingly open to those kinds of questions and explanations from me. Assuming my med. insurance will even pay for it, I could get a spot in March (or maybe April or conceivably February).

I now have help with my Little FurBaby, daily with the bandaging. And somebody experienced in this type of FurBaby care who's going to take all three off me on Monday for a week or two or three because I know I can't keep up the proper paw care for FurBaby for the requisite 3-6 weeks till it finally heals. This person might also be able to take FurBabies again when I go inpatient. So that helps everything feel more manageable.

Today I got not so much a translation request as a translation 'order': "Do this for us soon!" It's from a local authority and that's just how they word things. Surprisingly, I felt that I 'can' do this. That was a large hint to me that I'm back out of my EF. Yesterday I managed to write 2 bills including the one for the other translation.

Today I also managed to shower and wash my hair, both of which were looooooong overdue. Also managing to get rid of things bit by bit or give them a different use briefly e.g. in FurBabies' palatial space till all messy and then bin them. That includes a hand-knit sweater that took a lot of work originally but the sweater is just no longer really something I wear. It's also over 30 years old (not joking!) but I noted those old FOO voices saying "What a waste - giving to non-house-trained FurBabies!" Though I noticed that giving it to one of the FOO dogs would have been fine (when I was growing up) just not the little FurBabies. Well, I've acted contrary to that and given it to those little ones after all. If I move in the nearish future, I need to get rid of a bunch of stuff anyway, including clothing I no longer wear. Still feels a bit 'daring', or a bit 'risky' but it's done The original knitter of the sweater is not the ICr voice telling me I can't possibly give the sweater to my little pets. In fact she'd be flabbergasted I still have the sweater.

So accepting myself that what seem like small steps might actually be big steps. And accepting that I'm going at my own pace doing things that are important to me and my growth.

Also accepting that as far as possible it would be good to keep going with my business, keep living and working in this bldg, keep Little Furries, but also spend what is basically FOO money on cost of living while I'm inpatient and not able to earn. Because otherwise my plan of trying to move would pull the rug so thoroughly from under my feet that I would be totally destabilised. Not sensible. I'm accepting that this is the case for me though it might not be for others on here or others elsewhere. For some people, the route of throw everything overboard and start everything anew might help them and give them the energy to move forwards. But that's not the case for me. Move and lose at least 2 of following but probably more: office space, garden, large cheap apartment, stuff that is of emotional importance to me (space issue), even things like books (space issue),  probably little Furries (space issue) - it just won't be helpful for me, no matter how helpful it might be for others. So accepting that about myself as well. No point getting way too close to the flames again.

[sanmagic7]

did i read this correctly?  was the talk with the trauma T about going inpatient?  what a bold move.  i'm hoping and praying all the best for you, blueberry. 

i was sorry to read you were in such a terrible EF.  so very glad you're out of it now.  i could hear the strength in you thru your words.

i really like the self-acceptance of this new journal.  i think you've made some good points about it, about yourself.  healthy and strong.  and you're absolutely correct, in my mind, that what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another.  i see acceptance and self-knowledge playing a big part in our choices and decisions as to what is best for each of us.  love and hugs, my dear.

[Not Alone]

   Your self-awareness

          Being out of huge EF

   For going to visit trauma T and for asking important questions

          That you have help with furbabies

   Your reaction to "order" to do translation

         showering and washing your hair

   going against voices of FOO and giving sweater to furbabies

          accepting that you are going at your own pace and doing things that are important to you

[Armee]

I couldn't say it better than Not Alone and San so...



I'm so relieved to hear you found help with fur babies, too.

[Hope67]

 

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I am checking in to say that you are doing so much work and walking your path.  I am here with you and appreciate you for being Blueberry. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you for saying that rainydiary! Of course I believe you cognitively, but unfortunately that's the kind of statement that can't reach my feelings, yet. It's still good for me to store it away till it can reach them.

____________________________
My furbabies got collected today. I have a sinking feeling. (My T teaches me to be aware of physical sensations). I'm not worried about my furbabies. They seem to be in very good hands. My sinking feeling is more about myself sinking, with one less reason (or maybe three less, one per furbaby) for motivating myself and moving forwards or even just treading water, keeping going.

I've noticed this before: both time and energy are freed up when somebody else is looking after them but I don't turn the added time and energy towards myself. I guess I should best go and read the Swimming Pool Walls analogy which I recently bumped! This time, I don't use 'should' in a destructive way.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

i echo rainy's sentiments about appreciating you for being you. 

i think you're feeling the loss of those furry little critters.  even tho their absence frees up time and energy for you, it also, as you said, leaves a hole in your motivation agenda.  that's a big loss, to my mind.  not just their presence, but what they give to you and what that means for you.  i hope you can take some time to grieve them, allow the feelings, even tho they might be painful.  they've meant a lot to you.  love and hugs, my dear