Accepting Myself

[rainydiary]

Thank you for reminding me to trust in the experience I have even if other professionals or folks don't see it or understand it or acknowledge it.

[Blueberry]

A sofa day, snuggled under blankets reading. Though there is so much to do, so much I even need to do. But I suppose I need this too.

[sanmagic7]

needs are arbitrary, individual for each of us.  a sofa day, a games day, a sleepy day, a tv day - all are necessary sometimes.  i give you credit, blueberry, for listening to your own individual need signal and acting on it.  well done in the self-care department!   love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you san
Spent a similar day today.
Though I did throw a few things out and arranged for a few things to be collected tomorrow. But basically I can't be bothered atm.

Things are better with LL atm. He has taken a couple of things seriously.

Last week in occup. T, I finally took my new smartphone which I can't use. I yawned and yawned (always a sign of something going on) and felt emotions that I can't name except to say emotions I dread and don't want to feel. Impulses of violence towards smartphone, not that I'll carry them out. I've had these before e.g. as part of trichotillamania. I imagine they have nothing whatsoever to do with the smartphone. But it helps me better accept myself and my difficulties using the smartphone.

[dollyvee]

hi Blueberry,

I rewatched the Great Hack again and you may be onto something about being weary of smart phones 

I find that when I've been criticized so much for something (well I know I have), it activates a part of me that deals with performing in front of people. It's like I'm outside myself watching me do something I know how to do because others are watching me, and then I mess it up even though I know how to do it. Although I know I'm doing it, the watching me bit, it's like I can't stop. Perhaps there's something similar with the smart phone? You're hesitant because someone has criticized you before? But we all need to start somewhere and usually our ideas about having to be "perfect" at something, maybe came from someone's expectations and have no basis in reality.

Hope it goes well,
dolly

[Not Alone]

 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Not Alone

I find that when I've been criticized so much for something (well I know I have), it activates a part of me that deals with performing in front of people. It's like I'm outside myself watching me do something I know how to do because others are watching me, and then I mess it up even though I know how to do it. Although I know I'm doing it, the watching me bit, it's like I can't stop.

I did get an awful lot of criticism from FOO throughout childhood and later but my reactions were different. I'm glad you wrote your perspective anyway because it's good simply to get a different perspective sometimes.

... then I mess it up even though I know how to do it. Although I know I'm doing it, the watching me bit, it's like I can't stop. Perhaps there's something similar with the smart phone? You're hesitant because someone has criticized you before? But we all need to start somewhere and usually our ideas about having to be "perfect" at something, maybe came from someone's expectations and have no basis in reality.

Hm. There maybe is a Part of me who knows how to do it? But I can't access that Part. However even if that is the case, it's a very hidden unconscious Part. Because usually I'm at least aware of Parts even if I can't tap their knowledge.

________________________
I continue to not be able to be bothered although today I am at least accepting of myself that things are tough atm. Not only has FOO not got back to me, though expected so no huge surprise, it'll require a further step and then presumably NC. FOO weaves in and out of my dreams/nightmares...
Different bits of me want to do different things. I know I'm not in my Adult of Today when I want to give up my professional work but atm I'm just finding it all so difficult!! EVERYTHING is TOO MUCH! Sorry for shouting. That must be a younger Part wanting to be heard. My apt is chaos. There's work being done in the attic and a whole bunch of dirt and dust came down the chimney and landed by my gas boiler which is in the kitchen, also next to the shower. My whole kitchen and half of the adjoining room are/were covered in dirt/dust. If I'd known in advance I'd have covered up some of it with old sheeting or something. I cleaned a little yesterday and some more today - enough to finally attempt a shower and finally, finally a hair wash. But of course the water's cold. Long story.

Although the renovations aren't impingeing on me as much as I'd thought, at least objectively-speaking, they seem to be having an affect on my subconscious, at least I think so. I know, I know, with cptsd you're meant to work on increasing your resilience, but I don't think I have been doing so recently and any little thing sends me flying.

Yesterday LL and a gardener came around but I was actually able to save parts of my beds and agree to different parts going. Some of it was a relief actually because certain parts had got to the point where clearing them was just too much for me. That's what I also feel about the whole of my apt and office. There's just so much stuff - especially papers and books and pictures. I was trying to throw out some teaching material today and discovered I can't. But I really need to reduce.

Also technology is too much for me. Not just smart phone usage. Everything to do with phone (landline), Internet, email. Well no, not everything. I can use them all but I just feel sooo out of my depth. With setting them up somewhere else if I took an office in a neighbouring building and had to set up Internet there and even if I could use my smart phone and didn't need a new landline... If, if, if. These are things I need to inquire about and presumably I need to give myself time in order to do that.

[Armee]

Is it OK for me to respond to the good parts of your post? I'm so relieved you get to keep some of your garden plot!!! 

And those renovations sound like a nightmare but it sounds like you are doing pretty well with that chaos and mess all things considered. 

Your FOO...even though it is expected it still is upsetting. hurtful. It's also reaffirming that they are that terrible. Sending love your way if that's OK and helpful.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee, it is fine to respond to the good parts (or the bad parts). But response to the good parts is good because it re-affirms for me that there is good stuff happening, that I'm progressing. You sending love my way is very much appreciated!   You're right, FOOs behaviour is reaffirming how terribly they treat me.

I'm beginning to say out loud and to people that I'm really giving up my freelance work this time. Getting ready to tell an adult student this afternoon. Possibly keep on till end of the year at the latest, or till she finds somebody else if that comes earlier.

I have an adult student who won't be able to find anybody else (she's learning-disabled and has been coming for years). I will allow her to keep coming in some form, haven't worked out how yet. Possibly paying to a charity I wish I could support or maybe just cash-in-hand tho officially-speaking illegal. But I know I'm not the only one doing this type of work w/o accounting for it properly and I know I wouldn't be cheating the system of anything. Don't earn enough to pay income tax or enough to reduce my pension. Also have 2 school students who have been coming for a while. Haven't decided what to do with them yet. Possibly keep them till end of school year but slowly wind down, or keep one of them who has school-leaving exams of the easier variety (done at 16 yo rather than 18 yo). Have started winding down already - threw out a bunch of professional association mags this morning.

I do feel regret at my decision but also relief. With the relief comes a little release of energy, which I do need in order to wind things down, which includes writing and sending invoices some of which have been waiting for months! The months-wait ones have actually been paid in cash but I need to write those invoices as a receipt for the student and also for my own accounting. But I also need to write one big invoice for the adult student coming this afternoon. I know when I finally write it, she'll pay immediately.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i share your overwhelm w/ technology.

Also technology is too much for me. Not just smart phone usage. Everything to do with phone (landline), Internet, email. Well no, not everything. I can use them all but I just feel sooo out of my depth.

my D has to come to my rescue all the time.

hearing you talk about FOO and your freelance work in such a way, well, it sounds like growth to me.  having a better knowledge of what works or doesn't work for you, setting boundaries, being able to 'see' what people do to you, especially in harmful/hurtful ways.  i understand you've been needing some down days lately, but maybe all this decision-making and realization has something to do w/ that.

at any rate, i hope you are gentle w/ yourself while you lie on your sofa, take some time off, regroup, rejuvenate, realign - whatever it is you need for yourself.  sending love and a hug full of you.

[CactusFlower]

hugs, blueberry.  sounds like the relief is a welcome thing, even if the road to it is complicated. Wishing you the energy you need to do things.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate your entry as I know that if I were able to find the words to explain my experience, you and others here would nod and relate.  I cannot seem to explain effectively to folks I work with that daily things that don't seem to bother others take a toll on me in ways they can't see.  Best wishes as you transition from freelance work.

[Blueberry]

hearing you talk about FOO and your freelance work in such a way, well, it sounds like growth to me. 

It is growth, san, thanks for pointing that out.

Thanks CF and rainy for your support.

When I've been sleeping badly, I'm meant to take my evening meds so I did yesterday. I slept better and with fewer dreams e.g. of FOO weaving in and out and me trying to set boundaries in dreams etc. But today I feel a little hung over.

I was at occup. T this morning and got praise and support for my decision to stop freelancing. It's my decision, nobody can make it for me and it would be nobody's place to criticise it, but it's still good to feel the support. I know weeks ago I missed an occup. T appt and didn't contact till the evening. Occup. T mentioned that today that that time I'd said everything was too much and this time he notices a big difference. I am saying everything is too much (it is) but I'm putting the brakes on before it's all too much. I'm putting the brakes on and deciding a change in direction in order to take responsibility for other areas of my life other than teaching and attempting to make money. That previous stuff isn't all what occup. T said, some of that is my thought-process since my appt a couple of hours ago.

Also I'm getting and accepting help before it's too late. A social worker is coming today and will come every 2 weeks for the next while to help me organise my apt - get papers filed and/or thrown out. Since I'm feeling rather hung over today I intend now to go and wash the dishes, a physical task being something I can do much better than deciding on bits of paper or not. I think the social worker will not be too surprised or shocked to see the state of my apt. Again, I'm getting help before it gets even worse and I bet she prefers somebody like me to get help before the place is a complete Messy Anonymous kind of place. I met the social worker 2 weeks ago and think she's a good fit for me. Getting things like that straightened out is SO much more important than teaching a couple of people. Because getting things straightened out is FOR ME before things get worse. I also need to straighten out my financials so I know how much I have for the next years / rest of my life. More to come on that but not rn. The dishes are calling. So are my furbabies.

[Armee]

For me putting on the brakes has been very necessary and positive and I don't regret it yet. I hope your experience too is positive. Sending lots of support as  you tackle paperwork and financials.

I relate fully too to things being extra hard that are no big deal for other people.

[CactusFlower]

As someone who's had a social worker for a BFF for over 15 years, trust me, they've seen worse. They're not there to judge, but to help. Hugs and wishing you energy for doing things.