Accepting Myself

[Not Alone]

Big steps, indeed! 

[sanmagic7]

   i, too, yawn as a stress release - often do it when a therapy session is coming to an end. going places alone is a very big deal for some people - i'm glad you were able to do something you wanted to.  well done!   love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Things took a little dip this evening. I mean, I was sad about things earlier.

One of my furbabies slipped away quietly in his sleep on Wed. His foster mama brought him to me yesterday so I could say 'Goodbye'. It was totally unexpected, he wasn't the one with a medical problem. But that was sadness and not being triggered. I used to cry waterfalls when my pets died, so much other pain would come up. Now it's so strange that I don't feel devastated by sadness. otoh today I've been very jumpy. Everytime there was a loud noise during the day I jumped out of my skin. Crying a little bit would be preferable. So that means I might be a little EF-y after all.

Anyway this evening something happened where I'm actually a bit triggered. From Dec. 18th: "Today I wrote 2 to-the-point missives (emails) to a small group and one individual person in the bike club where there are definite problems in the ethics of discussion and decision-making..." At the time I wrote, the individual person - the elected leader -  agreed to a mediated talk with a woman from the Women's Support Network but wanted to speak to me first. Well, we finally did that this evening and now I'm not sure why he wanted to speak to me alone. Why didn't we do a mediated talk??

He did listen physically but with answers like "It's a long time ago and I can't remember exactly" or "that wasn't my impression at the time" (though he doesn't actually remember what I was referring to, see previous quote) or "I'm not willing to be arbitrator between different members" and "I'm sure mbr W. was just trying to be helpful" (interesting that he assumes that though doesn't know so but still puts it forth as a valid argument, whereas with the things that are my impression of how somebody was treating me, he had counter-arguments) and then of course "it sounds like a communication problem" (understood: on my side). I threw that one straight back asking whether it couldn't be a communication problem on the other mbr's part.

There isn't really a resolution. I haven't left the active mbrs' group which I said I would if a) he didn't agree to a talk and b) there isn't a change. But obviously I'll wait and see if there's a change. At the end, I reiterated my demand that he have an ear and an eye open for what might be going on in the group. Though he said he would, it's a bit difficult to quantify imo. I said I would probably speak to the Women's Support Network again. And I'll let it sit for a while.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, sounds like evasion across the board, an unwillingness to be involved in anything that may be controversial.  his assumptions, the vagueness of his statements, an unwillingness to bring the 2 parties together so both sides could be heard - i don't believe he wanted to be involved in what he perceived might be unpleasantness, so evaded anything tangible except for trying to give the fault to you (misunderstanding).  sorry you didn't have more supportive results, you weren't heard, or you were basically dismissed, as in 'this sounds like a personal problem'.  that sucks.  love and hugs - i hear you.

[Armee]

Oh Blueberry.  I'm so sorry for your loss.

I agree with San's assessment of the bike club. People don't want to be bothered. I'm sorry. You were dismissed and not really listened to. On the plus side you show so much insight and awareness that the responses from this guy were unfair and unbalanced and not about you being bad or unworthy or wrong. I hope there's a solution that doesn't force you to quit the group if it brings you happiness meaning and connectedness. But it is 100% ok to stand up for yourself and leave if that feels best to and for you and your values. You are really doing an amazing job standing up and speaking out.

[Not Alone]

I'm sorry about your furbaby.   

[Blueberry]

Thank you all for the care and support about my furbaby 

And thank you san and Armee for commenting on my talk with the bike club leader and calling it what it is e.g. evasion across the board. I was questioning myself a little, but much less than various times last year e.g. with LL and business neighbour and no-longer-friends. Yes, Armee, the bike club is meaningful for me, it's a bike advocacy club (so not racing or anything like that) and I've been in bike advocacy for years. But I don't have to remain there if they keep dismissing me. I could switch to the Women's Support Network instead, though it's national, not local. Before that, I have decided I'll try and organise a mediated talk after all. To do it BEFORE I go inpatient because once I get out of there after 2 or 3 months, everything will be even further back in time and even more likely to be dismissed.

You're right Armee, I am doing a good job standing up for myself! This afternoon I taught a student and was strict with him where I needed to be (also a form of standing up for myself) and then I wrote homework for another and sent it. Then I did escape to bed for a while partially because my energy all ran away at the thought of hanging up my laundry though of course that didn't have much to do with the laundry. No, I've been reviewing the telephone call from yesterday in my head. But then I got up at 10 pm again and did hang up my laundry. So the need to hide and feel safe in bed was very short-lived I have been up ever since doing various odd tasks and also reading good / inspiring / funny news on a particular website

[Blueberry]

The furbaby carer can't continue their care, so brought the remaining two home today. Yesterday - when I first knew - I was busily looking into a new carer so that I can leave them somewhere when I go inpatient. I do have some leads but no definite place as of yet.

Today I kind of gave up. Hope I get myself back into a better place tomorrow. At least I haven't plummetted as far as I might have in previous years.

[Blueberry]

Continued with doing nothing today. Though I do at least have one offer to take my furbabies.

I looked back in here to remind myself to be kind to myself. And that this too will pass.

[Armee]

If it's ok I'd like to remind you it is ok to do nothing if that is what you need to do?

Sending lots of luck finding a new furbaby caretaker and safe hugs or flowers whichever you prefer, Blueberry.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee. Though I really should want to give furbaby her medications, but even that feels like too much.  Flowers are lovely.

[Blueberry]

I've just checked back on my thread on Diff. Day board, so I'm reminding myself that I'm undoubtedly in some sort of EF and that several things are obviously overwhelming me atm, but those are things to accept about myself! As I'm working on doing on this Journal. And although it feels as if all sorts of things are urgent, 'need to be done', they don't. They can wait till I feel more stable again. Particularly things like further contact or further discussions with people who aren't good for me. Got an email from no-longer-friend no. 2 today. It can wait. Even though she tacked my godson's name on the end, it's really from her.

[Armee]

💐

Wow you recognized that EF really fast!!!! 

Those emails can definitely wait. Just nourish yourself even if by taking care of furbaby then hiding in bed.

Ooh that exfriend sounds so manipulative and passive aggressive. Ggrrrr.

[Blueberry]

I have a new student who I have just ditched by phone. It is the third lesson where he arrived late or not at all and didn't cancel. I am sick of this so told his voice mail to find a different teacher. 

Loss of potential income but also loss of stress and being messed about and doing work for nothing, e.g. preparing for a lesson where he doesn't come. I choose to not be messed about

Armee, I think ex-friend doesn't realise yet that she is ex-friend. That's one of those emails I need to write but haven't been managing so far. The time will come. She thought it was fine to dump all that stuff on me, somehow thinking that's what friends are for and then we'd continue as before.   She may finally be noticing that it doesn't work that way for me. Or maybe you're right and due to old friendship I'm still giving her too much benefit of doubt.

Thanks for the flowers   I've basically been hiding in bed in accordance with your suggestion. Though now I'm in my office, I might do a few more business things including writing a 2-week old invoice.

[CactusFlower]

Good job on removing that student, Blueberry. You set a boundary that means it's better for you. I would say that the third incidence indicates they're not taking the lesson seriously and it's very disrespectful behavior.  Loss of income, yes, but you don't need that stress and they need to learn people won't put up with that. Good on ya.