Accepting Myself

  • 277 Replies
  • 7890 Views
*

CactusFlower

  • Member
  • 715
    • View Profile
Re: Accepting Myself
« Reply #165 on: June 16, 2022, 03:11:19 PM »
Sometimes you just gotta go with the music that's in you.   :hug:

*

Blueberry

  • Member
  • 7812
  • 'Should' is never good for me.
    • View Profile
Re: Accepting Myself
« Reply #166 on: June 17, 2022, 04:37:34 PM »
Thank you CactusFlower and Armee :hug: :hug:  Buoyancy is a good word for the state I'm in atm, thanks for giving me that ;)

___________________________
Today I felt proud of myself for the amount of healing I've reached. I mean in general looking back over the course of the past 20 odd years, rather than just during last inpatient stay.

And I said it out loud: I'm proud of all my progress :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

*

Armee

  • Member
  • 1504
    • View Profile
Re: Accepting Myself
« Reply #167 on: June 17, 2022, 05:30:40 PM »
You deserve to feel proud. You earned that through a lot of hard work and perseverance.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:


*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 8217
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Accepting Myself
« Reply #168 on: June 18, 2022, 06:03:08 PM »
 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:  love and hugs, blueberry.  so great! :hug:

*

CactusFlower

  • Member
  • 715
    • View Profile
Re: Accepting Myself
« Reply #169 on: June 19, 2022, 02:24:11 PM »
 :cheer: :cheer: Go you! You've done so much and come so far. :)   hugs

*

Blueberry

  • Member
  • 7812
  • 'Should' is never good for me.
    • View Profile
Re: Accepting Myself
« Reply #170 on: June 23, 2022, 09:24:38 AM »
Ah, I see CF. So maybe that's why I seem to need a little break in which I feel I'm doing nothing but roaming uselessly round the Internet, pulling my hair out and not doing anything I ought to be doing. Though I did teach one person this morning

Sometimes simply writing a bit on here helps me snap out of whereever-I-am, come back to planet Earth and get on with things. I am sort of accepting myself in this condition though.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 8217
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Accepting Myself
« Reply #171 on: June 23, 2022, 01:41:27 PM »
actually, blueberry, i agree w/ CF.  i think these setbacks we experience every so often are basically us falling back on old coping skills for a bit.  they're known, in some ways comforting in their familiarity, and are what got us thru some of the worst times of our lives.  the fact that you have come as far as you have, done as much work on yourself as you did can bring you into an uncomfortable place.  it seems unusual that we wouldn't fall back on old habits to help us make transitions at times.

i'm glad you're beginning to accept yourself in this condition, tho.  acceptance is the first step, no?  love and a hug filled w/ self-acceptance. :hug:

*

CactusFlower

  • Member
  • 715
    • View Profile
Re: Accepting Myself
« Reply #172 on: June 23, 2022, 03:39:21 PM »
Agreed, it's often very hard for us to see our own progress. I had a mentor once who had  fun thing she called "credit report". Unlike the icky financial version, you write up all the things you accomplished that day/week/whatever, no matter how small. Did you brush your teeth? Give yourself credit. Got out of bed? Give yourself credit. I know I was often surprised to see I'd done more than I thought. We're often too close to see the change for ourselves. Gentle hugs and we're always here for you!

*

Armee

  • Member
  • 1504
    • View Profile
Re: Accepting Myself
« Reply #173 on: June 23, 2022, 05:17:54 PM »
You really do accomplish a lot Blueberry, even with this constellation of difficulty. I feel the same. I stand around trying to soothe myself somehow by connecting with people who unserstand how hard this is. And while it feels like I'm wasting time....I'm probably not.

I can't quite put my finger on why this site has been so healing for me, but it's much more helpful than people telling me that I'm really smart and doing so much and need to have better confidence. That just made things worse. Pulling your hair...I know how much time those "repetitive behaviors" take up while you're in those trances. It sucks and doesn't feel productive at all. I've been there, I still go there. I hate to think how many hour of my life I've wasted doing the same. Ugh. It's gotten a lot better in the past few months but not because I've beat myself into having will power over it. It seems to be a result of finally healing stuff. It just fell into place. I still lapse some when triggered but less often and less bad.

Acceptance really does seem to help the process.

Big accepting hugs to you Blueberry. You did a lot straight out of inpatient and have stressful landlord stuff you are dealing with, on top of teaching and caring for yourself. It's a lot.   :grouphug:

*

Blueberry

  • Member
  • 7812
  • 'Should' is never good for me.
    • View Profile
Re: Accepting Myself
« Reply #174 on: June 25, 2022, 07:46:31 PM »
Thanks Armee for your post, it helps. :hug:
Thanks CF for your idea. I'm giving myself credit for getting out of bed this afternoon and staying out, finally showering and washing my hair, collecting my bank statement, stopping by the neighbourhood pantry and getting some lettuce, doing 2 loads of laundry and starting to hang them up now, spending a couple of hours cutting things back in the garden/yard as requested by LL / some of it I had been intending anyway.

*

CactusFlower

  • Member
  • 715
    • View Profile
Re: Accepting Myself
« Reply #175 on: June 26, 2022, 05:44:26 PM »
There ya go!  That's a heck of a lot more than I got done, LOL. Hope the garden stuff went well.

*

Blueberry

  • Member
  • 7812
  • 'Should' is never good for me.
    • View Profile
Re: Accepting Myself
« Reply #176 on: June 26, 2022, 07:51:18 PM »
Yes, Armee :hug: being here is healing of and in itself. Somehow though it didn't help me write how it was yesterday and still is today.
Today I did zero except lie around on my bed reading and occasionally getting up to feed FurBabies. I ate some cucumber too while I was about it.

My head is full of ideas but not putting any of it into action. Then there are parts of me who don't want to do anything, just want to give up. Doing more of that than anything else.

So what's up? Realisations about FOO. They've been going on for a few weeks now. Re. money. I think maybe enF did want me to have some but he's getting more and more forgetful and M is taking over. And although we've been thru all this before - B1 and B2 might need some later altho they're not particularly needy atm, M is coming up with more instances of their future neediness - university fees for their kids when they're that far along. Despite the fact that both Bs and SILs have professional, high-earning jobs and SILs' families are rolling in it... Still keeping money aside for that is more important than keeping me off welfare or just plain old being straight with me. Besides that, M says things like she's sure both Bs would help me out if I needed it financially. Oh really?? My parents have refused to put any of this on paper though the discussion has been going on on-and-off for about 6 years now. Also there are no-strings-attached as they assured me. Actually there are ropes attached. M also writes things like I shouldn't give up FurBabies for lack of money - she and F would send me some - w/o realising or caring that going on welfare would make that inevitable. I'd have to move to a smaller place and I wouldn't have the space for them. Or for my office for that matter. Nor would I be able to receive any money as gifts, just the rules.

I also don't really feel up to working atm tho I am teaching but not sending my bills out. I agreed to do a translation contract with another freelancer and unfortunately the clients agreed on our prices. Well, at least the other freelancer is doing most of the contract and if I ask her, she'd take my bits on too.

My appt with occup. T last week wasn't particularly good. Cognitively he had seemed to understand the week before but putting it into practice was another matter. Didn't go well. The following day I had an appt with a doc I've known a long, long time. He took a whole hour to talk to me, which was very generous. His final question made me feel as if I'm lazy, which I told him, but also said I knew he didn't mean it that way, which he didn't. It was a question to make me think a little, lead me on to new discoveries about myself, but I haven't discovered further. Though there's still time for that.

This coming week on Tues. I have an appt with a new trauma T. That's probably contributing to my anxiety, which is making me feel like giving up. It's like before my godson came last September for a few days - just cowered on my bed not doing anything despite nice summer weather.

It's not surprising my parents are getting awkward about money because as far as they're concerned I'm not treating them well, with my VVVLC. Not that my Bs treat them particularly well either, particularly B1. And SIL2 takes over from B2 so he doesn't have to give up status of GC. This new idea of M's about keeping back money for the grandchildren's higher education is likely to have come from SIL2. She's likely feeding poison into the family about me. Not that I can change anything. But I've heard her on other occasions. I think she's as big a Narc as M.

Hm. Good things: For the past few days I've been eating little strawbs in my garden and they're quite sweet compared to some years. There must be more but that's all I can think of.

*

Armee

  • Member
  • 1504
    • View Profile
Re: Accepting Myself
« Reply #177 on: June 27, 2022, 04:53:13 AM »
 gentle hugs Blueberry, if helpful.

It'd be very stressful...distressing...to me to get started with a new trauma T, too.

Your FOO.  How they are treating you makes me feel mad and sad.

*

Blueberry

  • Member
  • 7812
  • 'Should' is never good for me.
    • View Profile
Re: Accepting Myself
« Reply #178 on: June 28, 2022, 04:15:48 PM »
Thank you Armee.

Reading your message and then my own title helps. What I have not been doing is really accepting myself. I have been accepting that I'm not doing much atm but not accepting the feelings behind that, which include overwhelm. Not that that's an emotion. But I do feel overwhelmed.

I'm also pulling back, pulling way, way back. Like not really using the garden because of problems with LL and garden. Instead of using and enjoying the garden while I still can. I also didn't go to choir service on Sunday because our choir director said last Tues. during practice that I was singing too low. Today I met a choir mbr and she said that was only in one hymn, so no need to have stayed at home.

Plus I really needed to get help with my computer last week or at the latest Mon this week but I still haven't. Signed up for an online course all week next week - I signed up while I was in inpatient treatment assuming I'd be well enough to join in by now. I'm not though. I wanted to join this year because next year it might not be online anymore and would entail travelling and all those additional costs. But in other ways it might have been better for me to not be online. Or by next year, I might have known that it was a pie-in-the-sky idea anyway. However that can't be changed now. It's way too late to back out.

This too shall pass, I remind myself. But not usually without my taking some concrete steps e.g. getting help with computer, even getting help signing up for the online course next week. There are about 12 steps involved and I'm just :stars:

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 8217
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Accepting Myself
« Reply #179 on: June 28, 2022, 10:08:13 PM »
blueberry, you are dealing w/ so much right now, what with FOO, financial stress for future, lack of energy, overwhelm (which always drains me of energy) work, new trauma T, and on and on.  it's an awful lot. 

the strawberries sounded delicious!!!

sending you love and a hug filled with a bit of sorting through priorities. :hug: