Accepting Myself

[Blueberry]

Well-put, Armee. It sucks. I've had another weekend of similar. Oh well.

[Blueberry]

Continue to do zero apart from roam around the Internet and doze when not on Internet. And put off writing to M and F to clear some things up and then presumably go more VLC or even NC.

[Armee]

It's OK. Take your time. You'll get done what you need when you are ready. Its scary to confront people who dysregulate us.

[Blueberry]

Its scary to confront people who dysregulate us.

Thank you for this gem. Helps me see why I'm still stalling. My occup. T reminded me of something along those lines today too. But I saw your comment first

It explains why I've been spending so much time curled up in the fetal position.

[sanmagic7]

i echo armee's words, blueberry.  you'll be ready when you're ready.  this is not easy terrain by an means. sending love and a hug filled w/ support and patience for yourself.

[Armee]

That fetal position is real. What you are trying to do is monumental. Getting the pace right is important.

[CactusFlower]

also agreeing. you'll know when you finally can and pushing it probably won't help. Hugs to you.

[Blueberry]

Finally written and sent it. Turned out longer than I originally envisaged. I know my parents will find it abominably rude though really it's just very to-the-point.

They find anything I say or write 'rude' when I'm not bowing and scraping metaphorically-speaking.

A previous T - 20 years ago or so - commented on something I'd written to my parents that was also very to-the-point basically saying it was rude, though not in so many words. I said that I hadn't been capable of wording it any other way. T shrugged - intimating 'your problem'. It's the same here too. I spent ages on writing it and although it's not perfect and I had to semi-dissociate in order to do it and I still feel foggy after sending it, it's the best I could do. I know that FOO does not spend ages thinking what to say and write to me. On the contrary, they don't have any worries or concerns. They don't even have any concept of it being possible for them to be rude to me.

Anyway, whatever my parents write or however they respond or don't respond, there's very little chance of anything being in my favour, there's very little chance of them not continuing to gaslight or otherwise emotionally/psychologically abuse. I'm just sick of it hanging over me, 'it' being writing and sending the missive.

I lost a student today, I'm not actually too surprised that she can't afford to continue but it's always a little blow.
otoh something I've been trying to sell for a while on the Classifieds has finally got somebody interested and coming to check it out and hopefully buy it on Sunday. That will put a bit of money in the pot and give me more space. Less stress with LL too because said object is in part of the communal area.

[Armee]

Lots of hugs and support coming your way. What you did is monumentally hard and I am way impressed you I were able to battle through the fear and dissociation to do it. Wishing you peace.

[Hope67]

Dear Blueberry,
That is great that you were able to send it, and that you wrote it.  Sending you a hug 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you both dear Armee and Hope    The support is very much appreciated.

As seems usual for me these days, having done this thing hasn't immediately put me back on track or anything like that. In fact it wasn't till this early evening that I went and did some clear up in the garden, rather perversely because tomorrow somebody is coming to buy the thing I had on the Classifieds for rather cheaper than I was trying to sell it for. I agreed to the much lower price with the stipulation that he does something for me instead: the something being photographing other things I want to put on the local Internet Classifieds. I do advertise stuff w/o photos but it's much more likely to sell with a photo. So actually today could be better employed seeking out what I'd like a photo of.

In the past while I haven't been good about taking my medicine at all. The result is: I'm up half the night and sleep on and off all day and don't really get going till late afternoon. I know it's a form of self-sabotage. I don't know what else is behind it except probably this stuff with FOO. Of course it's a very big deal to stand up to them and the result is not likely to be joyous. In fact I'm likely to experience what I already basically know - that they don't really care about me. Some like F think they do, but he doesn't actually. And although I know they don't care I suspect there are Parts of me who don't know and it'll come like a punch to the gut.

I remind myself when I think how 'rude' my missive will appear that my parent's behaviour towards me is not OK. I don't know if it's rude - yes, it is in some cases. But their behaviour round about the subject of the missive has been dishonest and misleading. Dishonest despite me trying to get clarity for years. They have been dishonest and misleading. Deliberately so.

I did write more but I've deleted it. Things that are on the cards for me to do in the near future - FOR me rather than anything to do with FOO. But difficult things, where I feel shame at having not done them so far in life. I'm going to honour the Parts in me that don't want to write them.

The other thing(s) to do in the near future include: 1) keeping going in general e.g. what is the easiest most beneficial activity now? (that's not usually going back to bed, as I have been doing these past days/weeks)
2) continue to sort out and clear out - make SPACE! 3) especially sorting out and filing papers

[Armee]

Rude = truth. What they did and do is rude so when you speak truth about their behavior it sounds rude. But it's it's truth they have committed that is rude. I'll tell you it was a relief for me when I finally knew no matter what I did my mom would hate me and never change. Never apologize, never try to make things better. I could just accept THAT truth and stop torturing myself.

[woodsgnome]

Accepting, AND honouring, one's self, and heart, often comes at a point, like yours, where you've honestly tried to explain and demand explanations in return. If that reasonable expectation can't be honoured, then notion of any rudeness don't really matter.

I'm lucky enough not to have living people to deal with per my major traumas, except for a sister who occasionally tries to intrude with agendas of her own. I held off what I needed to say, mostly out of regard for her children, who weren't a part of the problem. At any rate, I also felt the SPACE you mention once I finally was able to try and honestly communicate the matter. I don't think she 'got it' fully but I felt the bigger space and freedom on my end, even so. Yes, it seemed risky, but now I can see it was my only option to fully clear where I was about the whole sorry mess. It's like subtracting what needed to happen from so dominating one's mind.

Okay, sorry for the little personal rant, but reading of your situation just seemed to jar some feelings.

May you continue the strides you've made towards building a new pattern for your life.

[Blueberry]

Rude = truth. What they did and do is rude so when you speak truth about their behavior it sounds rude. But it's it's truth they have committed that is rude.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I read this late last night and it's been helping me.  I certainly feel more in my Adult today. 

[Blueberry]

Accepting, AND honouring, one's self, and heart, often comes at a point, like yours, where you've honestly tried to explain and demand explanations in return. If that reasonable expectation can't be honoured, then notion of any rudeness don't really matter.

Thank you, woodsgnome! btw that's not a "little personal rant" you've written, it's a helpful reaction to what I'm going thru, giving me some words and some clarity on what's going on for me atm.

Yes, I still do have living people. My B was one of them so... and even tho he apologised for his part in what was then, he's part of the ongoing abuse now. As is my other B. My parents obviously so.

Yes, "risky" but "only option". I note writing that now that my breath pattern changed but not as much as has sometimes been the case.