Accepting Myself

[Blueberry]

That makes two of us struggling on this point. Thanks for letting me know. At least feeling understood and not alone is helpful
[Added on Nov. 3rd: I'm not sure now if "two of us struggling on this point" was for you rainydiary or for Armee?? I think for you rainydiary]
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I've written (but not sent) missive to my parents. I'll take it to T tomorrow so he can vet it for me. I started writing a missive to B1 and B2 too but I noticed it was turning into a big JADE about what I had written to my parents. Not what I actually intended to write tho undoubtedly what some part of me wanted to write. But Adult me is overruling that.

FOO simply doesn't respond when they don't want to. They don't want to when I'm getting out of line in their eyes e.g. by demanding they finally give me an answer or simply by my saying 'No' / setting a limit. No way, BB, that's not allowed. So I get 'punished' by no answer forthcoming / a garbled response like 'we couldn't understand your defective use of language', being pushed out of the family circle ie. ostracised by everybody and a bunch of stuff like that. It's kind of like with LL atm. Whatever I write, whatever I suggest as a possible bit of give-and-take whereby I would be willing to move into the one and only apt he's proposed for me to move into, he doesn't respond to. Why's he annoyed with me? Because I got support from Tenant's Rights. And because I know my rights at least partially even without TR. He's annoyed because he can't push me around as much as he'd like to. It's still really strenuous for me.

[Blueberry]

I relate to the backlog BB. And it sounds like you are under enormous stress with FOO and living uncertainty and finances. Cutting yourself slack would probably be reasonable and in the long run more productive. 

A little tiny bit at a time like just putting all the papers in a pile for one day then sorting into piles the next then sorting thru each pile slowly. .or whatever it takes to not be such an overwhelming task. That's how I have to approach that stuff.

The backlog is way, way longer. Some of it goes back years... But you're right, cutting myself some slack is reasonable and more productive. You're also right that I'm under an enormous pile of stress due to FOO, finances, decision on whether to continue freelance work or not, LL, where am I going to live?? am I going to have to put a pile of stuff in storage? am I going to have to find (and pay for) a temporary home for my furbabies so I can go live in a friend's basement apt? (she has terrible allergies, that's why: no pets).

At least every day i do throw some stuff out Mostly it's papers but some things are actually objects which would take up space so getting rid of them gives me future space.
 
Well, it's T tomorrow with an early train due to delays on the line so I'd better go to bed and/or explore why I don't want to go to bed or to T tomorrow.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, sending love and hugs to you.  i've found when i actually list things like you did, it makes it clearer just how much i'm dealing with.  in some ways i've found a bit of relief, knowing it is overwhelming, or i have accomplished a lot.  i wish i could be there to help you. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you san, it's much appreciated   I know you've moved a lot in the past few years so you have experience both with the upheaval and with the work involved.

Part of the strain and stress for me is the idea of  getting rid of stuff before I'm emotionally ready to do so. First the idea of moving gave me some impetus to get rid of things I wouldn't have otherwise done. But I think I'm going to have to get rid of way more, mostly just give away or throw out too. It's not as if I'm going to make big money or anything.

Today I went to T appt and talked about the missive I'm attempting to write to my parents and to my sibs. My T asked what would  speak against telling my parents some home truths before I go NC along with giving them a last chance for saving contact with  me which there is 0.0000000001 % chance of them taking: if you want any contact with me at all before your dying day, act now. Tell me the truth about family money. Start treating me like your daughter rather than something you wipe your feet on.
That kind of thing. It's really hard. Tho I think the hardest is accepting that they have been lying to me for about 6 years, at least, and that they just don't care. So writing that letter to them and knowing it is the end. What's preventing me sending it asked T. Two things: one tiny little bit in me that's still hoping they might help financially after all. And then something like a conscience I suppose, but a conscience in the wrong place, wrong time, wrong situation. FOO are the ones that ought to have a bad conscience if anybody does. Anyway, my bad conscience is maybe an ICr - the voice of all the people in the past including friends - even current friends - but also I note while I write it: both my sibs  - saying "if that's the way you speak to your parents, no wonder they're disinheriting you". But that's DARVO. Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender. My parents and sibs aren't my victims! 

[Armee]

 

One of my sisters favorite songs is "Cause and Effect" by the White Stripes. The music style isn't really my jam but the lyrics are spot on for how many of us are treated by family. Your post reminded me of it. You are right...they are not the victims. Perhaps going no contact without explicitly calling it out would preserve some hope of financial support. Or maybe for yourself you need to stand up for yourself and just say "NO!" But you do know that they are not going to suddenly see the light and start treating you right. This isn't a case where you've just not been clear with them...the way they treat you is intentional and they can't and won't change no matter how you ask.

[sanmagic7]

   i totally agree, they are not your victims, rather the other way around.  i read your 'not to be sent' letter to FOO, i thought it was clear, concise, coherent, and straightforward.  sending you all kinds of strength for what you're going thru, blueberry.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

  I agree with what san said.  Sending hugs and strength for you. There is no requirement to be good or kind to someone who has hurt you. It's their loss because they won't get to realize what a cool and strong person you are.

[Blueberry]

Thanks all 

Want to write a little for myself before I go to bed. Yesterday i was at T and today I'm doing a lot better. Got more done than I normally can atm. Feeling clearer tho not completely clear. Clearer in what I want to do and steps to be taken. otoh I keep mislaying things in my apt and/or office and forgetting what I'd just wanted to do. In a worse way than normal forgetfulness. When I was inpatient my T said that was an effect (or affect?) of different Parts. My spelling is really bad atm too. Normally I don't have a problem working out whether to write 'affect' or 'effect'. rn I don't have a clue for nouns. It's not the end of the world but I do notice some written language problems atm. But despite that I am doing a whole lot better than just Thursday morning when I almost didn't go to T at all. I was considering phoning to ask if we could do a video call all the while knowing that it really would be better for me to go in person.

LL has agreed to one of my suggestions on - OK, I can take the apt he wants me to move to in theory temporarily but in practical terms he wants the move to be permanent. I suggested if he lets me off my office lease 2 months early then I'd be willing to move to said apt. It's not well insulated and the windows are terrible so the heating costs are really high, so that's why I first said     But if he's letting me off 2 months' office rent, then that's a slight financial compensation. I'll really believe it when it actually all works. I have stuff to discuss with Tenants Rights at my appt in a few days, among other things forcing LL to step up to his obligations towards me which include paying the whole removal to new apt. He hasn't agreed to this yet in written form via email never mind signed and sealed so to speak. Tenants Rights has already reminded him that it is his obligation. So we'll see.

[Blueberry]

Still lots of energy (by my standards), still mislaying things. Just a few minutes ago I was thinking 'Wow! I'm getting so much done today! I'm thriving instead of merely surviving'. But then realise that by my standards I'm thriving - which is good!! - but my energy levels and ability to do things would not equate to thriving for somebody my age w/o cptsd or similar. I don't think it would be thriving even for somebody 20-25 years my senior or even 30 years. That's not a bad or depressing comparison for me. It's more that it shows me my reality. This is how I am due to the appalling abuse at the hands of FOO including years of ongoing abuse as an adult.

Wanted to write sth else but forgotten what. I mislaid the thought

[Blueberry]

Perhaps going no contact without explicitly calling it out would preserve some hope of financial support. Or maybe for yourself you need to stand up for yourself and just say "NO!" But you do know that they are not going to suddenly see the light and start treating you right. This isn't a case where you've just not been clear with them...the way they treat you is intentional and they can't and won't change no matter how you ask.

Thanks for your suggestion Armee Unfortunately there is no hope. There is this tiny little smidgen in me still hoping in vain, but the smidgen is much smaller than just a few months ago and way way smaller than over the previous years.  A long time ago I was told by a T that B1's raging and out-of-control anger towards M when B1 was still a child would command some form of respect so that's why it worked. I suppose it's conceivable my parents might react more favourably towards me after a controlled explosion of anger from Adult me. But it's unlikely. Because what that T back then didn't realise is that for whatever reason I was designated as Chief Scapegoat from birth. I'm also done with asking or being polite or holding my anger back so as to hopefully get financial support. Because it doesn't work! So yes, I need it for me to finally speak my truth, the truth I've been holding back so as to not step on toes and lose my inheritance. At least I've received some financial support this year even if it's the last I'll receive. I'm looking forward to writing: I'm SO DONE with you guys (with FOO of course, not the good people on here)

While writing the above I was thinking of the experiences of an old mbr on here (called ah) and what she wrote: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=8150.msg55599#msg55599  Along the lines of accepting the money (which she had done previously) was being paid to accept abuse. At that point back in 2017, I was still pussy-footing around with my parents and so it seemed my parents weren't quite as deranged as ah's FOO but as months and years went by I realised that they are. They're narcs, they don't care that they're hurting me and that they're lying and being deceptive. They're like cats playing with a mouse or bird before they kill it. Except cats presumably have some instinctual reason to behave like that whereas my FOO is supposedly composed of humans who could decide not to follow their instinct of doing some torturing before the actual attack.

[Blueberry]

Thank you CF and san for hugs and support. It was so good to read that yesterday!

There is no requirement to be good or kind to someone who has hurt you. It's their loss because they won't get to realize what a cool and strong person you are.

Thanks Your first sentence feels new to me, new idea   I do realise and agree with you that it's FOO's loss not knowing me and who I really am. I've kind of known that for a while but it's still really helpful to read someone else's take on it, like yours now I didn't realise I'm a cool person, I don't think anybody has ever described me that way to my face before.    I know I'm strong but I often 'forget' if that's makes sense.   Otherwise I've been sarcastic about FOO's loss in my head e.g. "Congratulations FOO! You won the argument and lost your daughter. I hope it's been worth it for you." When I'm sarcastic towards FOO in my head it's too early for me to really feel into what's going on in my emotions. Too early to feel anger? Sadness? Hurt? A combination? Probably a combination.

[Blueberry]

LL now opines I might not have to move after all. Apparently the structural problems can probably be solved another way. Or more likely it was never really necessary and now that I'm continuing to demand things like LL pays for the whole move (as required by tenant law) it's easier to find a different architectural solution.

I feel really good today   Standing up for myself seems to have worked! otoh I'd rather not feel as if I'm on a roller coaster, as I do atm. Tenants rights appointment tomorrow anyway, where I can talk about this latest development. 

Got quite a lot done today, including some cleaning. Finally put my heating on in my apt. It's chilly and I'm worried about my furbabies. They do have fur, but they don't have extra sweaters and woolly hats and thick wool socks all of which I've been wearing in my apt other than when moving around quite a lot e.g. when cleaning. I got sent a translation request from a local authority on Saturday and decided I could do it. So got on with that for about an hour today. Also filed some papers and threw others out. Every bit helps.

[sanmagic7]

every bit helps, indeed, blueberry.  here's hoping you're able to continue feeling good and can get away, at least for a while, from that roller coaster feeling.  that one, no no.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

I wanted to write on here yesterday and now today too. I find when I get here that part of me wants to run away. Part of me most definitely does not want me to write about what's going on atm. I think it's best to accept that for the moment and see if it evolves. It might quite soon even.

[Hope67]

Dear Blueberry,
I related so much to what you wrote here, about finding it difficult to come and write here - and part of you not wanting to write about what's going on atm.  You spoke of accepting that, and seeing if it evolves, and that it might quite soon even.  I found that very encouraging (from a personal point of view) and just wanted to say that. 



Hope