Accepting Myself

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs if you want them. Not writing is also perfectly okay. We're here with you regardless. 

[Armee]

I relate to that, too, Blueberry. Sending support to the things you cant yet write about. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you all for your support! 

[Not Alone]

I relate to wanting to write/not wanting to write.

[Blueberry]

Thank you for saying that notalone. Seems not an uncommon problem here on OOTS. One of my prime situations for pulling my hair out (SH) is while writing. Harder when I'm typing of course than when writing on paper. It also depends on what I'm writing. I do my lesson prep on paper and hardly ever pull hair out. Wouldn't like to say 'never' as it may occasionally occur. But writing bills, business letters, emails to a whole host of people so not just FOO, oh man. Not to mention translating of course.

Another reaction I have is simply going 'blank'. I used to do that on here before writing a Recovery Letter to FOO. I'd come on here knowing what I wanted to write having had it churning around in my mind for a few hours or even days. Then I'd write the name or just initial of the person I was addressing and my mind would go blank. So :lightbulb: these 2 reactions were/are probably in place for when I can't feel or observe or sense whoever it is / they are who are objecting to my writing whatever it is. They might not even be objecting to the content so much as signalling that they need some form of help before I continue.

[Hope67]

  
Hope 

[Blueberry]

I'm translating now and am getting near the end, nearish anyway. Just popped by because it's nice to say 'hello' to people who care and who get it. There are people around me who care but they don't understand cptsd and the affect it has on my ability to work at all. So 

[CactusFlower]

We get it, Blueberry. Thanks for checking in, we're thinking of you! 

[Blueberry]

Thank you CF.

I had a good session in occup. T yesterday, came home did a few urgent things e.g. at the bank, went out to lunch with a coupon I had (which was good self-care since I hadn't even had breakfast) and then I came home and gave up. I still haven't really got going doing anything useful today. Well, no, that's not quite true. I did a little clear-up so a friend could clean but I mean is I haven't finished the translation I intended to finish yesterday. I don't have an actual deadline.

Why did I give up yesterday? I suppose FOO stuff (there is some new information) and after-effects of talking to one of no-longer-friends on Sat. What arrogance and know-it-all from her! otoh it's good to know how that reinforces my need to never speak to her again. So I made a mistake on Sat. by speaking to her. It's OK to make a mistake. Now I know how bad company she is for me. There have been people like that in the past but idk if the friendship went on as long as this one did. It's ended now though. She wants it to continue in a lesser form. So I imagine she's getting something out of treating me as some inferior being. There's a word for that they use over on OOTF but I've forgotten what it is.

Well it used to take me waaaaaay longer to get over this kind of stuff and this time it's a double-whammy (info from FOO too) not to mention all the stuff I've been dealing with in my office and apt (LL, electricity, Internet down - caused by the builders, lack of heat). I do heat sometimes but not all day or anything. When it's cold I tend to get depressed and be inactive.

[milkandhoney11]

Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you, Blueberry. It sounds as if there have been so many negative things happening at once and I understand how this can completely derail you and your process to change. I feel for you and I recognise that you might be finding it difficult to come to terms with all that has been going on (the situation with your friend sounds extremely hurtful) but I hope you will be able to overcome this.
Please, don't buy into the belief that you are somehow an "inferior being", I think you are showing great strength and bravery when talking honestly about all your experiences and I'm rooting for you.
Take care of yourself!

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, congrats on the insight about how this ex-friend is not good, healthy for you, and that you've decided to end the relationship.  it sounds like great boundary-holding and wonderful self-care.  i have only one friend now, have eliminated the rest - not being reciprocated or reached out to rings my bells now.  also broke off a 20-yr. friendship - i can see things differently now, have different expectations for people who i'll keep in my life.  well done!

rest and breathe, just breathe, (as wife2 used to say).  you took care of a lot, and that takes a toll.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs if you want them, blueberry.  I agree, a revelation about how this person is not someone you need in your life is a good revelation. Cutting them out also makes room for something new to grow someday, like weeding a garden.

And I resonate with your reaction to the cold- I've been down a bit lately as it gets colder. Sometimes I think humans should be able to hibernate.

[Blueberry]

Thank you all, gentle hugs are great CF.

FOO is sending money after all. I 'should' feel happy of course. Well, I do feel relieved about the money but I also feel sad about other stuff I now know about FOO. Also feel thwarted. It's probably not the best time to confront FOO with anything. Although the very fact that FOO is sending money after all is probably due to the one missive I sent demanding clear, straight-forward answers. Those answers haven't come per se but they have been willing to send a further large installment of money w/o any strings attached which is a Yes to one question. One out of about 25 questions. Some of the questions were just leading up to that one though. Whether the subquestions are 'yes' or 'no' is not so relevant since they were somewhat rhetorical in nature, at least now that I have an answer to one of the biggies. So I might feel thwarted but the results aren't actually so thwarting. Contact of any kind with FOO tends to send me reeling so not surprising that I'm feeling a little down atm.

[Armee]

Gentle hugs, dear Blueberry. Financially I am relieved you have a slug of money from FOO so you can breathe easier in that way. It aucks that that is all you get from them...money....no remorse, no caring, no love....so yes feeling down and disappointed makes so much sense too. They will do this, but not that. That friend is truly not a friend so clarity and finality in that while hard, it's maybe a good thing you gave it one last chance and have a very clear answer about that.

[Blueberry]

Finally got moving this late afternoon and went to choir practice followed by choir service. That did me good, always does really. It's a few hours later and I've finally written 2 important emails, both of which have left me fairly spacey. One was to ex-friend who I spoke to last Sat. saying - it's the end. Completely, totally. (She had suggested she bring me an additional heater.)
The other was to another friend where I realise I need to watch it. I told her the fastest way to lose friendship with me is for someone to make some remark in support of my parents or some remark intimating I need to be careful. I guess you could say I told her to butt out but not quite with those words.

I guess there's some part in me which appears to cry out for help?? So some people come with unwanted help.

I put a book in a discard pile today but otherwise haven't moved on anything like that for what seems like days. I have strange ideas atm like I should move after all. Though financially it makes more sense to stay here a year or two.