Accepting Myself

[Armee]

Hi Blueberry I was wondering how you've been doing. Self harm is tricky. My similar thing did lessen when I took the stress of a professional life off the table.

I hope the waiting list goes quickly!

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee.

Today I had both occup. T and socio-therapy (??) idk whether you could call it that in English. Probably not. A social worker drops by for an hour, asks me how it's going and then I talk a bit and she asks my plans for the hour. Often just the very fact that someone is there motivates me to start doing something - today it was doing the dishes and cleaning up a bit in the kitchen. 

Now I feel too tired + idk what else to go to choir practice. It's an unpleasant wet, chilly, rainy evening which doesn't help either. I also know that I'm on the brink atm. On the brink of: everything-is-too-much. So it actually makes sense not to go to choir practice.

[sanmagic7]

yeah, it does make sense, blueberry, even tho choir is a pos. place for you.  having people in my space is always exhausting.  good self-care!  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Have decided to skip my other choir practice tonight too.

I have had an image in my head for a number of days now. I'm on (school) gym equipment that might be termed 'monkey bars' though when I was at school 'monkey bars' in the playground meant something different. Anyway this particular piece of school gym equipment consists of a ladder-like structure laid horizontally from one upright frame to another a few feet off the ground. So you jump up and grab the first rung of the ladder with both hands, dangling in the air because your feet can't reach the ground. Then you move from rung to rung with your hands until you get to the end upright frame. I was never able to do this as a child or as an adult either in fact. That strength is missing in my arms and shoulders - they ache right away and so does my neck. At least some of those aches and pains originate in the trauma.

But in the current image in my mind, I'm staying up in the air and am moving from one rung to another. I never get to the end of the rungs but that's also not the point. The point is: I have the strength to stay up there and even though atm I feel as if I'm close to collapse with this image in my mind, I know I'm close but I'm not actually going to collapse. Close yes, but I can and will put the brakes on before I collapse! That's big progress for me   Putting the brakes on yesterday and this evening includes not going to choir practice. Yesterday I was able to clean out my Furbabies' massive living quarters instead and it was high time (!) and then go on to do some tidying up, which was also very necessary. This evening I've already written an invoice, done a little filing and I might manage to look at the terminology on my translation again. I do know that if I hadn't decided to skip choir practice I wouldn't have had the wherewithal to write my invoice.

I had an appt today at my old GP's. He was able to show me how important this mental image of the gym equipment is and give me further possible interpretations of it.

Onwards from rung to rung...!

[sanmagic7]

beautiful image, blueberry.    and onward, rung to rung.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thanks san
Also an image which makes me smile happily today

Today I had an appt at my psycho T. Since I'd already talked everything out on Tues at occup. T and yesterday at my doctor's, I decided to actually work on something - go into feelings and work with an inner child. I can't write any more about that now except that it brought progress. I often write in my paper Journal during the session, this time too. I'm glad I did because once I left T and got in the train to go home, I was mentally so exhausted that I wouldn't have been able to write. I read what I'd written but couldn't take it in.

I often used to write because I couldn't retain what my T said, the explanations he gave me or interpretations of what FOO's past behaviour meant and how that would affect a small child. Or other useful things he said - I'd go blank on it all as soon as I left his office. It's no longer quite that bad, but writing today reminded me of some questions that I'd had during the work so I'm glad I took the time to write.

Having been at T's I feel emotionally strengthened.

This afternoon a friend dropped by to help me with some clear-out. We went through my clothes' closet, something I've been putting off for aaaaaages and was dreading today before we started too. Once we got going though it went pretty well. I now have a whole stack of stuff to try and sell (or maybe give away) and a smaller stack I want to try on one last time to see if still fits. If not, then those items are going too. My friend was able to tell right away with quite a number of tops that they would definitely no longer fit or certainly still would, which helped me work quickly and efficiently

Today it occured to me that a new Journal might be in order. I haven't quite decided yet, but the title would be something along the lines of: Praising Myself or maybe Applauding Myself instead of just Accepting Myself. I am getting better at accepting myself anyway and then something my doc said yesterday helped me realise how important it is for me to celebrate my progress, really dwell on the progress I'm making.

[Armee]

 

What a beautiful post and beautiful progress, Blueberry.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee

[rainydiary]

I appreciated what you said about having a spot to write things down during certain events.  It helps me too. 

[CactusFlower]

Sounds like good progress, Blueberry. Gentle hugs and congratulations. Also hoping the clear-out makes things feel a little lighter as well.

[Blueberry]

Thanks rainy and CF. It helps me to know you need a spot to write during events too, rainy.
CF, I don't feel  things lighter due to the clear-out and/or the steps toward clear out but things feel less jumbled and cluttered. It was like doing an inventory of my clothes and seeing more clearly what all I have. I haven't thrown the discard items out yet. Instead I'm going to see if I can sell them and some other stuff too over the next 2-3 weeks. I'm also throwing out papers including letters and cards and that feels lighter, even if just one sheet of paper gone

_________
I can feel things slotting into place since my T appt on Thursday. Realisations are coming and I'm also feeling some things which I'd only known on a cognitive level till now. At the same time none of this is throwing me for a loop which I'm thankful for. Something has come unstuck and I'm back doing housework, mostly laundry which I hadn't done for weeks (too stuck) but also dish-washing and some tidying and odd bits of cleaning as they occur to me. I feel contented atm because I no longer feel as if everything is a struggle. The EF is over!

One thought / realisation yesterday: how about I turn the energy and caring and even creativity I use in working with my 2 remaining students into energy, caring and creativity towards all my Little Blueberries? So long as I don't have too many one-on-one students, teaching them does me a whole load of good because I'm teaching them in ways in which I was mostly not taught. Yesterday evening I had a spontaneous idea of homework to write for student no. 1. When the idea comes spontaneously like that, my creativity is at work. So yeah why not this creativity for me? I could do both some might say. My energy doesn't always extend that far. Sometimes creative work with an inner child is exhausting but it's also healing and therefore important. More focus on healing for the next couple of years is evolving as my goal and plan and then see how I get on with other things - probably everything will be at least a bit easier.

So my new Journal could also be entitled something like Caring For Me / Putting Me in First Place

[alliematt]

Have decided to skip my other choir practice tonight too.

I have had an image in my head for a number of days now. I'm on (school) gym equipment that might be termed 'monkey bars' though when I was at school 'monkey bars' in the playground meant something different. Anyway this particular piece of school gym equipment consists of a ladder-like structure laid horizontally from one upright frame to another a few feet off the ground. So you jump up and grab the first rung of the ladder with both hands, dangling in the air because your feet can't reach the ground. Then you move from rung to rung with your hands until you get to the end upright frame. I was never able to do this as a child or as an adult either in fact. That strength is missing in my arms and shoulders - they ache right away and so does my neck. At least some of those aches and pains originate in the trauma.

But in the current image in my mind, I'm staying up in the air and am moving from one rung to another. I never get to the end of the rungs but that's also not the point. The point is: I have the strength to stay up there and even though atm I feel as if I'm close to collapse with this image in my mind, I know I'm close but I'm not actually going to collapse. Close yes, but I can and will put the brakes on before I collapse! That's big progress for me   Putting the brakes on yesterday and this evening includes not going to choir practice. Yesterday I was able to clean out my Furbabies' massive living quarters instead and it was high time (!) and then go on to do some tidying up, which was also very necessary. This evening I've already written an invoice, done a little filing and I might manage to look at the terminology on my translation again. I do know that if I hadn't decided to skip choir practice I wouldn't have had the wherewithal to write my invoice.

I had an appt today at my old GP's. He was able to show me how important this mental image of the gym equipment is and give me further possible interpretations of it.

Onwards from rung to rung...!

I like this image also. (And I was never able to do it either as a kid!)

[Blueberry]

Thank you allie

___________
I didn't set an alarm today so got up after I woke up, which was just before 9. It was 11 when I turned my computer on. Time seems to go by fast doing 'not much'. I had my breakfast, partially fed furbabies, took my meds, went over to the freebie neighbourhood pantry and that's everything as far as I recall. No, I also brushed my hair for a good long time and while I was eating breakfast I was well-grounded and what's-the-word? aware of what was going on in my emotions in a good way. I went to bed in my clothes last night so I didn't have to get dressed this morning. So yeah 2 hours seems a lot of time for just those things. Oh yeah, I sat and talked to my furbabies too, which they like (it's attention and they know that. They're not into being stroked and cuddled but they like being watched and talked to. They also notice if I'm really there or just speaking to them in passing). So actually I see now that I got more done than I'd thought.

Well, that's what a few hours on a good day may be like. On a difficult day, things are slower and harder. Today I'm feeling more acceptance about the time it takes me to do things and also more acceptance of what I do to fill my days. This is an important step because it helps me in moving onto more time spent in healing activities and less time on other people, even if 'other people' means working for pay. But it's not just that, there's this bit in me that would be looking to do some volunteer work in my field 'because you've got to give back to society'. Lots of Ukrainian refugees here and although they do get language classes paid for by the state there's a waiting list and for those still waiting various church groups etc. have set up classes and are looking for teachers. I could do that, or at least offer one-on-one or go into a group and play vocab-learning games. But what could be more important atm than doing my own healing work? Getting myself healthier and eg less triggered is in fact a contribution to society! And for those few well-meaning friends eg with depression who themselves are helped by having tasks like volunteer work or grandchildren to look after, they don't know enough about cptsd to know that I don't need some external task. Healing work is enough of a task. But of course it's not just what other people say, it's what I know or believe myself. As my self-knowledge and self-acceptance get better, it's easier to tune that stuff out and/or simply say: healing is my task and will be for the foreseeable future. A fairly new friend and her h (with whom I have worked on and off for years at the farm) both with a history of depression sometimes are helped by having concrete things to do. This new friend is not judgemental so I think this is a much healthier kind of person for me than all sorts of ex-friends. Within the past few days I said that healing is my task now and she believes me - there's none of the: oh, are really sure? and you should think about xyz, and I know this other person where that didn't work

Along with 'tuning things out', I'm noticing more what friends are judgemental and although they introduce me to other people as friend Blueberry, I'm moving to talk about interactions with them eg. to my doc or T as 'acquaintances' because they're obviously NOT good friends, not people I can rely on or feel comfortable with. All steps forward

[milkandhoney11]

Blueberry,
I just wanted to say that I think it is wonderful that you are trying to focus more on your healing, it's so important and I totally agree that this is "a contribution to society" in itself.
I often feel guilty when I am taking time off for myself and try to take care of my own needs/ commit to my healing journey, but   I know that this is only my inner trauma speaking.
Why is it so difficult for me to take care of myself? I am very good at helping others, giving them advice, reminding them of their strengths, and guiding them through their own darkness, but when it comes to helping myself I just fail.
I guess that this is how I have been raised. The people around me didn't want me to be strong, they did not want me to stand up for myself, and they certainly did not want me to follow my own path. So they just lashed out, again and again and again until I gave up. I started to believe that I don't deserve any better because I was somehow wretched inside and nobody could ever truly love me.
But I don't want to believe this anymore! It's hard to abandon this belief because it has been running amok in my  mind for such a long time that I can't separate it from my own thoughts anymore and yet I know that I need to find a way or else the pain will never end.

So,  sorry for the long reply, I'm just trying to say that I admire you for your strength and how you are able to focus on yourself more and more these days. it's so important and you absolutely deserve it.
When we deny our own needs we aren't helping anyone, but once you get better and feel a little more healed I am sure that there will be plenty of opportunities to "give back to society", as you said

[sanmagic7]

I think it is wonderful that you are trying to focus more on your healing, it's so important and I totally agree that this is "a contribution to society" in itself.

i agree w/ M&H about your healing and its importance not only in and for your life but in a worldview.  there is nothing better we can give society than the best version of ourselves, to my mind.  there will always be people who are in the state of mind of helping others, doing for others, taking care of others' needs, but if it's not the right time for you, i'm thinking it's not your job to do, at least not at this point in time.

i really like the ideas you've come up with for your next journal and how they're showing the progress you're making.  well done, blueberry.

sending love and a hug filled w/ continuing progress