[Larry]

i wanted to make this year different.  i wanted to enjoy christmas like everyone else.  i was doing so good until today, 
My F physically abused me for several years,   then abandoned me ,  the last time i saw him was christmas day when i was almost 7.  i never saw him again,  he remarried,  and had 2 more kids.  but he never gave a * about me.  i don't think he has any idea what that did to me.  maybe it is a good thing ,  he might have killed me,.  the abuse was very severe,  i was put i the hospital severla times,   i am so lucky to still be here.  some days i feel like i am lucky to be here,  some days i am living in *.   i tried so hard this year to enjoy the holidays,  i just want it to be over. 

[Not Alone]

It is very understandable that the holidays are triggering for you. Please do your best to be kind to yourself.

[Larry]

i really am trying.   it just hurts.  i try to ignore the pain,  sometimes i drink so i don't feel the pain.  i don't know what else to do  ,    i see everyone having so much fun with family and frineds,  i want to be like them.   i just don't know how.  it really hurts

[Not Alone]

I find that one of the ways that I can be kind to myself is to honor what the little parts of me experienced, allow the pain and bring what comfort I can (blanket, chocolate, soft animal, etc.).

[Larry]

i appreciate your support,  i just can not handle the pain,  it was to much for too long.  i am so lucky to still be here.   the memories, nightmares, flashbacks still consume me.   i am glad to see people so happy,  i envy them so much.  i want to be like them ,     i try to be like them.   i am scared and don't know what to do

[Bach]

Larry, I can relate to your holiday pain. The other day I was talking about something with my therapist, I don't even remember what, and suddenly I started ranting about how hard it is to get through this season when all your Christmas memories are of hurtful things and not merry ones. I cried so hard I thought my eyes would pop out of my skull. But it was good to admit to it and stop feeling the guilt. I'm done shaming myself for not being able to feel festive and enjoy this time of year.

Hope you are okay out there. I feel your brave struggle and stand with you.

[Larry]

thank you bach,   i really want to move on.     i try too.     i really want to confront my dad,  to get some closure.     i really wanted this year to be different.
 it is going to be a long week

[Armee]

Hi there. 

[Larry]

hi armee,  how are you ? 

[Armee]

I'm doing well, Larry. I've turned a big corner in my healing and I know I have a lot to work on and through but I have a level of control now that was missing before. So I feel at peace. I feel a few other things too but I guess that's for my journal not here.

I'm also worried about my friend, you. It's OK if today is too hard and you don't keep it together, just as long as you live through it to try again to make tomorrow a little better. 💛

[Larry]

thank you for being here,