Elpha's New Pieces

[paul72]

I am so sorry for what happened to you Elpha
Monsters is the right word.
Sending support and care 

[Elphanigh]

Blueberry, you are definitely allowed to be proud of how I am coping    Pulling a gun on my D was the biggest No I think I ever gave. At 8 years old that is an absolutely desperate move. He did destroy that no very quickly. His reaction was one only a monster could have. 

I really appreciate the gentle and supportive 


Phil, thank you for the support and care. I appreciate all of the validation of my use of the word monsters for the people that hurt me.

[Elphanigh]

Last night was a long one. Therapy was helpful but I ended up having an atrocious flashback right after where instead of the person who the flashback was about being in it my T was. It was a truly awful and scary experience. I haven't had that type of flashback in a long time. I ended up seeing my therapist again that night, because I hadn't calmed down enough to drive (for obvious reasons). It took a while to trust her after that flashback but she sat with me through it for like 3 hours until it finally regulated.


I woke up feeling like I had run a physical and emotional marathon so taking a slower morning and going into work late today. I need the time to get back some energy and on my feet. If I had PTO I probably would not work today at all but I don't after using all of it for Covid a few weeks ago. I know I am capable of working today but the couple of extra hours will help that a lot.

[Armee]

That sounds really really distressing and thank goodness your therapist stayed with you for a few hours to help get you back. I wish you could get some more time today but the couple hours are great.

[Elphanigh]

The couple of hours did help. I then did manage to spill very hot coffee on myself so got dysregulated again. My supervisor who is more like a direct colleague most days, has basically given me permission to hide in my office and read until I have clients today. I had planned on doing some paperwork but I feel more fragile than I thought I was. Being in my office is mostly okay but everything else feels too overwhelming for now. I am trying to assess whether or not I can truly see clients today. I am pretty capable of pushing through and turning things off when I need to. However, I am only human and have my limits.

[sanmagic7]

my dearest el, what a nightmare, both in real life and in your dream. so very sorry you had to go thru all that.  monsters, indeed, preying on an innocent child.  may i amend that word 'selfish'  to self-ish, in that taking the space to care for self instead of caring for others is a boundary you weren't taught and certainly not allowed for your 'self'.  so glad your T stayed w/ you for that time so you could get your feet back under you.

you deserve your boundaries and self-care, especially during this time.  sending much love and a caring hug filled w/ EMS to help buoy you up as you process and grieve.   

[Blueberry]

so glad your T stayed w/ you for that time so you could get your feet back under you.

I'm also relieved for you that you get to stay in your office. It sounds like you don't have to be too productive rn for your supervisor. As you say, you are only human. 

[Elphanigh]

San, you are very right I deserve to take care of myself and have boundaries while working through all of this. I am grateful my therapist sat with me through it last night. I am not sure how long it would have taken to get my fee back under me without that.

Blueberry, I am very lucky to have the therapist I do who stays for things like that. It was nice for my supervisor to not need me to be productive and to care more about me as a person.


Unfortunately, it is one of those days I feel like I failed a bit as a therapist and let my trauma win this round. I stayed at work for a few hours, and tried to eat lunch with my office door open and even just that made me feel like I was going to cry. It felt like with the door open I could no longer control my environment and everything was too overwhelming so I chose to reschedule the clients I could and cancel the ones I couldn't. I was obviously still too dysregulated from last night and probably mildly stuck in that flashback since I got home and curled up for almost 3 hours. I started that while feeling like a little kid who was hiding from monsters... eventually cried a bit and fell asleep for a little while. Rough day, but I know it takes a lot to recover sometimes. I deserve the space, I just never feel good about taking it when it means not doing my job. Especially at a new job... I work really hard to make sure my trauma doesn't rule my life but today it feels like it did. I know that won't be forever but it is frustrating.

[sanmagic7]

yes, i agree, it is frustrating.  i don't see any failure here, even tho it may feel like it to you.  keep taking care of you first, ok?  love and hugs

[Elphanigh]

I am glad you don't see any failure in it, San. In theory I know that is true. It just feels like failing today. Falling apart has always felt like failing (yes, obviously trauma connected to that belief) I will keep taking care of myself. Finally eating for the first time in like 9 hours which is progress. 

[Elphanigh]

I feel like I am coming here more because I am doing truly deep healing work (not that I haven't been but for whatever reason this bit of it has needed more writing time for me).

Anyways, I spent a week ill with some sort of flu, respiratory infection, like thing. It was not a fun time but I am finally on the other side of it (10 days later).  I did not do any therapy or such during that time because I was frickin exhausted and just did not have the capacity.

Last night, I went to my therapist's office for the first time since I had the flashback there two weeks ago. It was nerve wracking when I walked in. Although, I had not even thought about it prior to going. We settled it out and I feel like it won't be a difficulty next week.

I am proud of the work I did last night, which is kind of rare for me. I know I do a lot of truly deep and difficult healing work but I don't normally describe myself as proud of that (I know I probably could but don't). This makes last night notable.  I was able to settle in and work on somatic based emdr focusing on a body sensation that I have avoided processing or even going towards for years. It is one that is tied directly to years of sexual abuse and has previously been one I was afraid or ashamed to go towards. Last night, I and my 8 year old part decided we could name it and start to allow it to process. That is a giant step and we got to the point where we weren't scared of it anymore. I had some pretty strong lightbulb moments as to why it was scary for so long and what it sort of means for some of my life.

As a kid, I connected the body feeling with being "bad, scary, dangerous" meaning that I was "bad, scary, dangerous" because I had it. By the end of session last night, and honestly just part way through, we realized no body sensation is truly  "bad" but the things that happened around it were bad and scary. That the body sensation was often a body memory, or left over feelings/reminders of abuse that was happening every day. AS a kid, of course I connected it to being a part of me that was causing my abuse because I had it as long as I could remember and we were told it was bad or not normal. So I internalized that like I did so many other things. My younger parts now have way more information and understanding of how those feelings happen and that it was never a part of who we were as a person.

I also realized after how many thoughts and connections I can make as far as my clinical knowledge of physical/sexual development and how disruptive the abuse I went through was on those processes. Sort of understanding why little me and even adult me struggles with that right now because of how convoluted my sexual trauma was. I have one of the longest sexual trauma histories I have heard (I know there are likely longer ones but I don't know anyone in my personal or work life that has shared one like mine). Obviously, that caused so much shame and confusion as a kid when trying to go through what would have been normal and healthy sexual development. Now that I am also more aware of the history it has been a difficult piece in my life currently.

I know my relationship with it when I was younger was so messy. For me, I was used and also viewed myself as an object for others sexually before I even knew what that was. I knew it was expected of me and that if I did it would keep other people happy/safe/not angry. It was the way I kept other people happier and kept them from hurting other people. I knew it meant that people stayed, that they showed me care or affection sometimes. I know it meant that people fed me and my siblings, that maybe they didn't throw or hit or yell at anyone else. It was what I was told my body was for. I was convinced because of what I was told, my experiences, the body sensations that I had, etc.. that it was just my role in life and had to happen. That something in me was dangerous and meant life would always be that way. Obviously my relationship with my body and sexuality were never going to grow normally from that.

A couple of years ago, I thought I was ready to truly tackle my sexual trauma but I don't think I was at the time. I think I needed all of the information I have now, all the memories I have gotten back, and even the ones I feel just lurking in the corners of my mind.  I needed the time processing some of the violence, meeting a few more of my younger parts, and just gaining trust for my T that I hadn't realized I needed. Now, I think I am as ready as I could be. That I am able to go towards and not run from it. I can stay present with sensations that I have avoided for years and start to name it. I have dealt so much with the emotional trauma, naming the abuses from some of my family, tackling the physical violence, the parentification, the blame. I worked around the sexual trauma sort of noting it was there but not being ready to dive into that directly. Now, I think I can and am doing that.

[sanmagic7]

i can only say, el, how impressed i am w/ your healing work, your realizations, your acceptance, and your newfound knowledge of how everything in your life has played a part in who (or what) you believed yourself to be, especially for others, and how you are breaking thru now at such a profound level.  i've said it before, but i think it bears repeating - you are an inspiration to all CSA survivors.  what you've gone thru, how you've managed to pull yourself out and thru it, and what you continue to make of your life in spite of your history . . . well, you are amazing.

well done, my dear.  sending love and a hug full of continued support, care, and compassion for all you've gone thru, all you continue to tackle.

[Elphanigh]

San, your words always mean so much  My healing work has come a long way over the years and I know it will continue to. I truly am a different person than I was when I first started seeing my current T 5 1/2 years ago, and even more different from the person I was when I first joined this forum like 6 or 7 years ago. It is sometimes hard to remember just how profound my healing is and seeing it reflected back at me helps keep perspective. These really are large breakthroughs and massive progress in my healing. I always hope I can inspire others by being encouraging and honest with my own process. I went through so much and continue to learn more about just how much I experienced to then pull thru and now be a therapist myself. I don't think I see myself as an inspiration for CSA survivors all the time but I know I have been told it and in some ways my story is a good inspiration for others. I have to objectively look at it to see that though 

Thank you for all the support, love, compassion, and care  I am always so grateful for it and know that I could not do all the healing work that I have and continue to do without the support of others.



Side note: I have finally decided on what I want my survivor tattoo to be. I have wanted one for so long but had never figured out what I wanted or felt ready enough for it. I do feel ready for one now and know what it is. I want to get a non-tradition take on a medusa tattoo. I want a black line work of a soft medusa hugging a younger red-riding hood. The medusa will have flowers among the snakes and red will have her cloak of course. It symbolizes so much. Medusa is obviously a SA survivor things, red is a character that I have always loved and identified with different versions of (she ran towards her trauma and gets depicted as resilient, tough, but also young and in need of protecting). Then of course the older to younger is the inner child healing that I do a lot of. Plus the idea of support in the fact that my healing could not be done on my own strength alone. I have needed to allow others to help and for others to be part of showing me caring/kindness in a way that is healing. So it is many things wrapped in but I am convinced that is my next tattoo and the survivor tattoo I want. I have an artist in mind and just need to reach out to see if they feel able to draw and tattoo it for me since I don't have any examples of what that art would be other than what is in my head.

[sanmagic7]

love it!  and love you, too, el. 

[Elphanigh]

Last week was full of racing thoughts and connection making, both in my personal life and at work. I feel like my brain was working overtime just circling around the new understandings at work and home. I made a lot of connections about myself and things that happened with the knowledge I now have as an adult and a clinician. It was good but exhausting to do so. I also had a lot of that at work, making connections with client's stories, goals, symptoms etc. I am not sure sure what to do about any of it but at least there is something to be worked on.

On the less good side of that, was that I had this deep need to talk to my M and S about the past. A deep desire to know what they know and what they don't. To figure out what the truth in all of it is. I obviously did not do that but it was very tempting at a few points last week. Like I want to know what if anything my S remembers about certain people in our childhood, maybe what my mom knows about them as well. It is more vulnerability that I am ready to have with them because it outs some things I like to keep to myself. At very least it brings up topics no one has talked about in at least 15 years. Even when they were talked about it was brief and often behind closed doors anyways. There are just a lot of questions I want answers to that I cannot get without asking for them. I know asking doesn't mean I will get them either. I also do not want to risk reminding my S of anything that she does not already remember. It is not my place to do that.

Then with M, I know she cares now but also how much does she know or even want to know? She had a lot of issues as a parent but with my adult perspective I know she tried and cared. It did not mean she saved me or even really parented me well, but I ahve come to an understanding and acceptance of why she was where she was when I was a kid. I know what it took to get to that place and I know that she loved me despite not being healthy enough to truly parent me. It does not excuse it or change it but I have a lot more understanding now. She has also grown a lot as a person in the last like 4 years and I trust that I could ahve a conversation with her about some of it. I am not ready to talk about my D or uncle to her and may never be.. but some of the other abusers she is at least vaguely aware of might be an okay topic at some point. She may also already know depending on what conversations she and my S have had. They are a lot closer and have lived in closer proximity for the last year, so it is possible they have previously discussed some of it. Also, totally possible they haven't.

I do not like having all of these unknowns. Those answers feel like they would be helpful in some ways and potentially harmful in others. Like, I know finding out if my S remembers some of the abuse would be helpful and fill in some holes for me.. but also finding out that she remembers much of it could absolutely wreck me for a while. I worked very hard to protect her but as a kid I was obviously not capable of that all the time. So I know she got hurt and remember those clearly but who knows if she does... and if they even coded as traumatic for her since she has lived her life with no notable symptoms (from what she has shared and from what I have seen).

It is all a lot to consider. 5 years ago I would have never entertained the idea of ever talking to either of them about any of it, Now it is an impulse that I had to fight twice last week. One that I want to think through but it harder to not just do sometimes.