Elpha's New Pieces

[sanmagic7]

this is big stuff, el.  it makes total sense about the confusion of what you might or might not want to say and to whom, how it could all go sideways cuz you don't really know where your M and S are at right now as far as wanting to know, wanting to discuss it with you.  whatever you decide, and when or if, you have my total support.  always with you. love and hugs

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for validating my confusion and feelings about all of this, San. It is such a complicated set of feelings and circumstances that I am navigating through. 

[Armee]

Hi E.

It really has to be pretty difficult to navigate. I know that between your natural caring instinct, the protection you feel toward others, and your professional training...you'll find the time and way to ask these questions when it is time.

I know you have to consider so very much when thinking about how to do this. But I hope as you do that you know it is OK to put yourself and your needs first. You do deserve that.

A thought about your sister too since you know she went through stuff...even if she seems OK and seems like she doesn't remember it may be that she needs the validation you can give her to get through this all and heal. It may be that she seems OK but isn't on the inside but doesn't remember enough to be able to heal. Perhaps sometime you'll be able to offer something along the lines of an opening...like "hey sis I know things were tough for both of us growing up and I don't want to force a conversation you aren't ready to have or don't want to have. But I want you to know if you have questions about what happened I am able to talk about that with you, if and when you are ready and I'd be curious what you remember too. At your own pace, or not at all but my door is open." Just a thought.

I know you have skills to figure out the best way to do this. Or not do this. But you deserve to have answers to your questions. And yes those questions will hurt when asked because they are painful things. That is not your fault. You did not do or facilitate those painful things. That's not you. You deserve answers. You deserve to put your needs first.

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
Just wanted to send you a hug 
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you all for reading and responding 


I am headed home today! I have been out of town at a Play Therapy Conferece since the 17th! It was great but I am homesick and exhausted. Ready to be home and have a day off tomorrow.

Being gone and in about 40 hours of training (plus breaks so like 60 hours and two full travel days...) has meant a lot of the emotional stuff took a backburner and needed to just be dealt with by self-caring and containing. I have a day off tomorrow (after getting home at like 9 or 10pm) and then therapy late tomorrow afternoon. I can feel the emotions brimming that I will need to just be with.

Since I wrote last time, I had a session where I got three more memories about my D that were super big and painful. Then found out I had to have a vaginal ultrasound because a return of symptoms I had before surgery, had a session to cope with the trigger of that dealing with an inner part that got suicidal because of it, then had that ultrasound and dealt with the emotions from that, got normal results despite being in pain, then one day later left for this trip.

Basically, leaving room to cope but not process anything. 



TW: Vague mentions of SA and D trauma
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Okay, nothing in detail as always but enough of a reference I wanted to mark it. I have known for less than 6 months that my D sexually abused me. I grew up believing he was emotionally unavailable, verbally angry, but never touched me. So fir like 4 r 5 months I have been learning he was physically and sexually abusive to me. Right before I left, I allowed myself to remember a few more pieces in therapy that confirm chronic sexual abuse since basically I could walk and probably earlier. Loads of grooming and manipulating from him in the earliest parts of my life and then increasingly bold and violent. Obviously painful memories and hard to digest. I had to just take in and accept those with no real time to feel about them.. like we took time in that session but I haven't gotten to truly do anything since. I know I have them.. I know I am angry, hurt, betrayed, sad, devastated etc.. but I have only cried a few tears about it total. I know I need to and probably will as soon as I am in my space and then again with my therapist.


Overall, I think I just understand the full picture more and more and it makes me so sad every time. Like any single piece of my story would be more than enough.. then putting all of it together... 

[Armee]

It's more than any human should have to bear, E. I know you wrote before about never having met someone or heard another story with as much bad in it around this stuff and that's a distinction that no one wants. I have nothing i can say other than I hear you, believe you, and right along you wish this weren't true. But that's what you've been through and it is so much. Those tears are there even when they don't come out.

[Elphanigh]

Armee that validation of my words and how much all of this is means a ton    My story really is more than any one person should bear. (All of ours are, I don't like to compare too much or to minimize others just because I am reflecting on the extreme level of my own story). You are right when you say the tears are always there even when they are not coming out. Inside those emotions are strong and present even if I haven't yet gotten to express them yet.

[Armee]

 

[Elphanigh]

I did some really good grief work on this on Tuesday, felt helpful although I have a long way to go. I was able to realize and begin to feel through how I feel like my D is robbing me of my family right now, and how I am feeling all that was stolen from me as a kid. A lot of feelings that things are his fault, that he set me up for the abuse I suffered at the hands of others and now gets to have my family while I am kept away from my family.  It is the first time I truly wanted to go back since I left 10 years ago and I have to choose to not go because of him now. I know that those things happened years ago but since I just got those memories back it is like it is all being taken from me now.

Honestly, I thought I would come here and have more to say but I guess that is what I have for now. Grief is a complicated beast but maybe doesn't have a lot of words for now.

[Armee]

It's very hard to put into words.

He did steal all that from you and it isn't fair at all that he has not had to pay for it and gets to keep the good things. He did set you up for all that abuse later whether directly or indirectly. You have the right to tell if and when you want. You are not responsible for the consequences of telling the truth, the person and people who created the truth are responsible. All you need to think about is what is right for you and only you.

I agree that when these memories surface it is like it just happened and that is what I felt too. Like when it all came together and came out...even though the pieces had been there, once I finally accepted and spoke it...it was like it happened yesterday in terms of the grief and the symptoms. The emotions. The numbness. The shock. So treat yourself like you should have been treated as that child right when it happened and seek that treatment out from people in your life capable of treating you with tenderness too.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for validating that, Armee. It is tough to find words for it all sometimes but as I was reading your I felt very understood and heard. They all resonate so well.

Right now, I know that telling the truths in spaces that it would bury the people who hurt me is not healthy for me yet. It is tempting for sure, but I don't want to act out of a need for revenge when I know the fall out would be massive and would ultimately hurt me right now. Maybe one day I will want and be ready to, but I know that is not right now. So I am treating myself with gentle care as I navigate all of this.

[sanmagic7]

no doubt, you were robbed of the childhood you deserved.  so sorry, el.

[Elphanigh]

So I have not been sure how to come here and give an update about all the things that have happened so I am thinking maybe just one thing at a time in not a ton of detail because it has been a whirlwind. All the while I am keeping up with a nearly full caseload (only like 19 clients but lots of foster and children's division meetings for it).

Anyways, I am having surgery this coming Monday, Again it is an abdominal surgery due to symptoms I had last year coming back with a vengeance.  They are going to take out my gallbladder which I thought was the culprit last year so I am annoyed it took an aditional 10 months to get surgery on this but at least it will be done. I will be out for two weeks starting Monday to recover from this. Then hopefully I can be done with all of this.


I have gotten continued memories of my dad back. Lots of SA and PA that sickens me and reminds me how much was taken from it. It has been hard to get those memories back and to know how awful it was. My family has been a large trigger and the holidays are definitely wrecking my system because of it. I am doing a lot of internal work on these memories and over arching feelings but it is a lot. It takes so much from me to do that work and maintain a regular life. Let alone the health stuff.


Me and my partner have decided we are going to more in together in March! I am excited and terrified all at once. I have multiple months to continue to sort through those and prepare for the exciting but scary step. The last time I wrote here would have been right after our year anniversary. She has been a huge source of support and sanity through all of this.

For fun things, I got tickets to see Taylor Swift (it will be good for all of  my inner children and adult self), I am planning a trip in February.

Less fun, I have gotten covid, the flu, and some sort of stomach bug all within the last few months, It has been rough being sick on and off all the time.


Last night I had a panic attack simply because I had a sudden onset migraine which is brand new for me. I have had migraines but typically have warning signs for them. This came out of the blue and caused a panic attack which then caused a worse migraine. Unfortunately my, mom and grandfather have suffered from chronic migraines that require regular treatment so I am nervous I will grow into those. After this surgery I will get them checked out just so there is a history on my charts for if they do increase. It isn't a huge deal but could become a pain.


Anyways, I feel like there is a lot more but this is the best way I have to sort of put it in condensed form. 

[woodsgnome]

It's awful to read of all the roadblocks which have lately emerged for you. Especially considering your already remarkable turnaround from not too far back.

The word en-courage-ment comes to mind as playing a needed role in all of our stories. I think it's significant that courage stands out, in word if not in how you're feeling right now. What I mean comes strictly from observing the many turns you've taken, and how at each one you demonstrated your enormous capacity for courage.

Thank you for how, even in your current desperate pain and anxiety, you've been able to again muster the resolve to see this through. May the surgery go well, and may the coming days brighten.

Gently, I'll offer this --  ; -- hope it can help you keep finding ways which will carry you on to those brighter days. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, Woodsgnome  I definitely feel like this year has been a lot of big roadblocks with huge recoveries. Like a giant cycle of them. It has been exhausting if I am honest.

Courage is such a great word to reflect on and is one I feel fits all the twists and turns in my journey. I do normally believe I have courage to face so many things and try to keep courage at the center of myself. It is tough but a part that is so important to all stories.

I appreciate the well wishes for surgery and the coming days. It has been a whirlwind and honestly I am excited for some time to just rest after this. If nothing else surgery creates 2 weeks off for me and some needed space to just exist and recover in a lot of ways. Surgery is certainly a physical and emotional trauma in itself but with everything going on it will be nice to have a break from it all. 

After surgery recovery my goal is to just deepen some processing of the new information I have so maybe some of it will settle and start to integrate more. I am really looking for some more peace and rest in my journey if I can get it.