Elpha's New Pieces

[Armee]

Good luck with surgery and the big move with your partner!!! 19 clients is a lot. I can understand that the 2 week recovery from surgery will be a welcome break. Saying I'm sorry those things happened to you doesn't cut it. I'll be wishing that as you process and integrate these new details and memories that it becomes easier to absorb and to see and appreciate your strength and just goodness and beauty as a human.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for the well wishes for surgery and the move! Surgery will hopefully go smoothly and be an easy process. I found out I have an inner child part who is very scared of going under and not waking up so that new fear is gonna be a bit tough. I, thankfully, have a lot of experience with surgeries that went well and were helpful in the long run. This will be my fifth surgery total and my 3rd surgery in two years. Hopefully my last for a while too.

The move with my partner will happen in March so I have a few months but we are starting to talk about it and prep for it. We are excited and nervous all at once. Unfortunately her dog bit me around thanksgiving so there are additional nerves related to that. Neither of us expected that to be an issue and it wasn't a bad bite but one that definitely makes us both a little more hesitant of this process.

I appreciate you validating that 19 clients is a lot. The goal is for me to have between 22-25 at any given time. So after the first of the year I will take a few more and hopefully even out at that point.

As far as the trauma, it is kind to hear thins like "I am sorry those things happened" because it sucks that they happened. I sometimes feel like learning this now is almost living it for the first time. My therapist pointed out that when I lived it before that I lived it with the help of tons of defense mechanisms that I no longer have. So in some ways this is harder than it was. Not exactly but it is difficult in a different way. My strength is there but it is difficult to see/feel strong when this stuff hits so hard. I know people tell me how strong I am for surviving and choosing to heal but it is tough to internalize some days. In theory, I know some of my experiences should have killed me but I survived regardless. That takes a lot of innate strength and courage. I know that now.

At this point, part of me wants to fall apart for a bit and the other part of me wants desperately to hold it all together.

[woodsgnome]

I hope it's okay to add this little quote I ran into the other day -- it's from Greek poet Dinos Christianapouls. He wrote:

"They tried to bury us, but they didn't know we were seeds."

Hope your seeding of the new you goes well and grows strong and beautiful.

[Armee]

I love the quote, WoodsGnome.

E...that's how I have felt too remembering things now...having access to things I didn't know before....it doesn't matter that they happened a long time ago. It does feel like they are happening right now like it just happened. It's a very tough space to be in because people think it's the past but it's not really. Even my T didn't get it. If it helps to write any of it here I can read it. I know it's really bad, what happened. I am so sorry. I hope the surgery recovery gives you a chance to break down a little bit if that's helpful.

[sanmagic7]

hey, el, will be thinking of you mon. for your surgery.  i sure hope it corrects all the problems for good.

survivor, courage, strength, determined - all these and more are part of our makeup, going after this beast and reducing it as much as possible.  you've got it all, and i'm glad you're able to begin to recognize it for yourself.

so very sorry about your childhood, your memories.  i totally get the idea of having to relive it, only it seems worse now.  it totally sucks.  sending love and a hug full of soothing comfort.  EMS is there if you need her.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you all for all of the kind words and reflections. I don't truly have the energy this morning to respond individually but each of them means so much 

[Elphanigh]

I am feeling a little more prepared today than I did on Friday. I had a good session with my therapist and feel like I got more settled. Surgery is tomorrow and my main focus is just on rest and recovery for a bit.  It should be a lot simpler than my last surgery and an easier recovery. I am always a bit nervous going under anesthesia because there are always small risks but I know this should make my body feel better in the long run. My partner will be there tomorrow and I have a great team of doctors, so all should be okay.

[Elphanigh]

Just a small update to say that surgery went as planned. I am home focusing on rest and recovery. Thankfully pain levels are well managed with medication so I can get sleep and rest today.

[Blueberry]

  Really glad to hear that Elpha! Good wishes for sleep and continued recovery from your op. 

[Elphanigh]

Thanks BlueBerry 

I ate real food and had coffee today which is a great sign for me recovering well. The doctors gave me a 50/50 chance of my body adapting quickly versus not to having my gallbladder gone. Here's hoping these initial signs are good indicators 

[Not Alone]

Elpha, I'm glad that your surgery went as planned. Take care of yourself and don't overdo it. My care to your Littles also, as I know this is scary for some of them.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, Not Alone  I have been gentle and thankfully mt littles have had an easier time after this surgery. I know medical stuff normally scares them and it definitely did before hand but I am glad to say there has been less fear and anxiety afterwards.


For now, I am both enjoying and bored by all the rest time. I know I need it but it is a little tough to just soak in the rest sometimes. It is freezing here today so even if I hadn't had surgery this would be a solid day off. So for now, I rest and will continue to just give my body the space and time it needs to feel better. The biggest thing is that eating is tough (well the after effect of eating). Taking out organs related to digestion can definitely make things a little different. I know my body will adapt but for now it is a little frustrating and like an experiment every time.

[sanmagic7]

so glad the surgery went well, el.  that's the best.  i know recovery can be boring, but i'm glad you're doing it anyway.  well done! 

one more thing you've gotten thru and it sounds like it's been a little smoother this time.  yay!  keep up the good work - in my book, you are doing great.  sending love and a gentle hug (i don't want to squish you) full of healing. 

[Armee]

I'm glad the surgery went pretty well E and hope that your whole system relatively easily adjusts to the changes in your body.

Since it's the holidays here and my family always hosts all the big gatherings, even though I just want to lay in bed and fall apart, could you sneak in 2 hours of rest on my behalf? 

[Elphanigh]

Surgery recovery has continued to do well and I am pretty well back to my normal self. I still notice that I slow down faster but not massively so. I am planning to return to work on Tuesday which I am both glad for and not. Breaks are always a bit boring to me but also refreshing.

Christmas went better than expected. Seeing my F, even if virtually, was difficult for a lot of my inner littles who are coming to terms with the memories we now have in our conscious mind. I did do better than expected though. I got to enjoy some of it and then breathe before going to my partner's family Christmas. That family is always delightful and kind to me which made for a good evening.

Trauma wise, things are as convoluted as ever but I am managing to allow grief to come in waves the best I can. It's a challenge at times but worth it in the long run to allow myself to have that. I am not sure I have words for it today but at least coming here for an update is a little bit of something.