Elpha's New Pieces

[Elphanigh]

I am starting a new journal for what feels like a new part of my journey. Part of why I am calling it "New Pieces", I guess 

It feels like forever and a day since I last wrote in my old journal. Quite frankly there is little about my life that matches that old journal anymore because there have been so many changes over the last six months. I graduated as am MSW, got my licensure and started a job as a full time LMSW therapist, moved states, lost family members, started a healthy new relationship (really enjoying it), restarted intense trauma work, and many other things.

Currently, I am in a very intense piece of trauma work. It has been several months of processing repressed memories and ones that I had but never worked with. Many of the repressed memories have come from between the ages of 2 and 6 which is heartbreaking for me. i have always said the worst of my abuse started at age 6 but in reality it was at age 2. I am now aware of that truth and coming to grips with it. It is tough but I am ever so grateful for my amazing therapist and for the opportunity I have to do such intense work. I get angry, sad, lonely, etc.. but I am more able to hold all of that. It is not easy a lot of days but I am finding my way through it. I recognize that this information and the memories make my life make a lot more sense.. it is painful but explains many things that I didn't have explanations for.

On top of this, I am having to have surgery after the first of the year (I do not have an exact date yet). I have spent about 4 months in and out of doctor's t figure out the source of my symptoms ad find a solution. That solution is surgery... I have a softball sized fibroid in my abdomen that has been pushing on my internal organs (obviously it must be removed). The stress and triggers related to so many different doctors and tests have been immensely difficult to navigate but I am glad to have a light at the end of the tunnel for this.

I have also started in a beautifully healthy relationships during all of this. It comes with its own emotional triggers for me but for the first time in a long time I am with someone who is healthy and cares. I am constantly amazed by her ability to be present and communicate in healthy ways. Not to mention she just makes me laugh and have a little more faith in the world.

I think that is enough updates for this first entry. I am not sure how much I will come here and update but I realize I need to be able to put these words somewhere again.

[Not Alone]

Elpha, good the hear from you. Thank you for the update.

[Armee]

 

That must be so very heartbreaking to realize how young the worst of it started. You have put in so much work toward healing that is allowing you to take these steps to confront and heal this part too, while continuing along with your life. I'm glad you have an amazing therapist to help with this.

Congratulations on your new healthy supportive caring relationship! 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both for reading and responding 

Armee, it is heartbreaking for sure. I get a lot of hurt and anger feelings right now. Definitely a fact I am grieving through right now. That sort of ache that comes with grief is pretty present for me but I know that will pass with time and processing.

Also, thank you for the congrats! It is nice and new to be in a healthy relationship. I know it is early stages but I am so grateful for her already.

[Armee]

I can't even imagine how intense that hurt and anger would be and I'm a ending you lots of strength to feel that intensity and direct it outward where it belongs instead of at yourself.

Enjoy the holidays with your new honey!

[Elphanigh]

It can get pretty intense but thankfully that comes in waves. I appreciate the extra strength to handle it 

[Elphanigh]

Today is a little better than yesterday. I have stopped having nightmares and gotten a couple of nights of better sleep. I am finishing up end of quarter stuff at work and getting my clients through their holidays. It feels much more normal. I am looking forward to seeing parts of my family (even if only over skype) on Christmas Eve. Then I get to see my partner's family on Christmas. The two days after are days I have fully off of work and away from my volunteer position. I look forward to the recovery days.

My repressed memories from when I was two consist of little fragmented images and body memories. I imagine they will never play through like movies in the way my memories form when I was older do. Primarily, my memories circle around sa and pa that my uncle perpetuated. I knew he had abused me before when I was a bit older but did not fully know the extent. It makes a lot of sense of later occurrences in my life.

I feel as if I got a bunch of puzzle pieces back in the box and am putting them into the full picture now. It is tough to sort through and identify them but the whole picture is a lot clearer as I am able to sort through it.

Hopefully, this is the last of the major chunks of repressed memories for me. I feel like I have very few gaps at this point. It makes me want to timeline my life again to see what it looks like now. I won't do that right now or probably any time soon because it would likely be overwhelming or at very least exhausting but I would be curious.

I have tackled so much in the last three months trauma wise. Everything from early sexual abuse, body memories of violent instances, relationship fears, two sets of repressed memories (in addition to the ones this week), plus healing my relationship with my mom. I faced my fear of having a pelvic exam during this time and all of the health triggers as well. It has been intense and exhausting but I am so changed from these three months and will probably continue to be.

I am hopeful surgery recovery will cause a natural reset and restful period for me. No idea if it will happen but goodness I am hopeful for it.

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
It's good to catch up with  your journal, and you've done so much in these past few months.  Incredible.   

Hope that Christmas has gone ok, and that you are enjoying the remainder of this year.  I hope you get some rest too, as you're so busy with everything.
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Hope  I did get some rest and enjoyed my Christmas. It was some much needed time off.

I found out my surgery is January 6th... I found this out yesterday so about 10 ish days before hand. It is a quick turn around and I have been trying to coordinate everything today. Honestly the coordinating everything before hand feels more stressful right now than the surgery itself.. Planning to have my M here for 10 days so she can help me out, coordinating with my job to make sure my clients are taken care of while I am gone for three weeks, making sure other responsibilities I handle are taken care of during that time as well. It is a lot. To top it off I have a head cold and am stressed about that affecting my ability to have surgery and then heal afterwards. It is a lot.

Now of course to add in all the left over trauma feelings and stress of the holidays etc.. My plate feels more than a little full but I will be okay. Having M here to help will be great but it also stirs up some feelings for my inner child parts because there is still old hurt that isn't fully resolved. I have gotten a second chance with my mom but it still feels complicated.

I don't really have energy to share any more than that right now but I am sure I will eventually.

[sanmagic7]

my dear el, reading what you've discovered brought tears to my eyes.  then, learning about your new relationship was the flip side of the coin.  so happy for you, in the end, for both these extremes - glad you're getting those repressed memories resolved as well as finding happiness with someone healthy. 

best to you with the surgery.  i've known several people who've had fibroid surgery - no complications for any of them.  much love and hugs to you.

[Armee]

E I'll be thinking of you leading up to your surgery and through recovery. You've done so much. I hope you can rest during your recovery and things stay stable with your mom's assistance.  I'm proud of you. It's a lot.

[Elphanigh]

San, it is great to hear from you. The extremes have certainly felt like a roller coaster but I too am grateful for both as I grow through them.

Thank you for the well wishes with surgery. Jt is great to know you know people who had the surgery and no complications.


Armed, thank you for the thoughts and we'll wishes. I am hopeful it goes smoothly and stable as I recover. I will continue to update here as I can.

[Not Alone]

Elpha,

Thinking of you and your upcoming surgery. I hope all goes well and that your recovery is restful.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, Not Alone   

Long story short.... My surgery is being postponed and I likely need two surgeries instead of one to fix the issues in my body. I have more appointments and tests while I wait to hear a new date for surgery.

I don't really have energy or bandwidth to explain but I will try to at some point

[sanmagic7]

i don't know about you, el, but i hate postponements for things like this.  i'm of the mind that i want to get it over and done with.  too much stress for me when it's put off.  it sounds like your docs are being thorough, tho, and i'm glad of that.  continuing best wishes that this gets straightened out and all goes smoothly from here on.  much love, many hugs