From fighting myself to finding myself

[CrackedIce]

Hey OwnSide!  So much resonated with me on your last post - the researching (I've been consuming audiobooks at a crazy pace!), the uncertainty, the wanting to find a map to move forward.  Even the feeling worse - I've cried more in the last year (since I've started therapy) than the decade before that. 

I can only echo what Armee said - it's a slow and steady (and sometimes backwards, and often painful) process.  I find it's helpful to write down things as you notice them, and then refer back to that list in times of doubt.  I'm a much better communicator with my wife than I was a year ago.  I have a much more cohesive understanding of my trauma.  I understand how developmental trauma and C-PTSD can (and does) affect me physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc.  These are all things I couldn't have said about myself a year ago!

I have on several occasions questioned the point of all this, assured myself that I would've been better in ignorance, that being an ignorant fawn is better than an emotionally-aware wreck.  But after I got out of whatever emotional flashback / shame spiral hole I was stuck in, I was able to look back and say clearly, 'yes, I am in a better spot than I was.'

Hope you have a good week!

[OwnSide]

Hi all,

I feel more valid knowing others relate to the cycling and searching. I suspected that might happen and that's part of why I wrote about it.

M&H, it sounds like you're having a really rough time right now. I hope things get better for you.

Armee and CrackedIce, thank you for the veteran advice. I've got hope. I'm only a few months away from probably being able to move out on my own where I think I'll be triggered a lot less often. In the meantime I've found journalling, songwriting, and exercising to be helpful.

Thanks for the resources dollyvee, I'll have to look into those later (at the moment I feel like my mom is the opposite of a narcissist but I have more to learn about the concept).

I'm bracing myself for a difficult week. My (two-year-old) sister's dad is out of town for work so it will be just my mom and I, co-parenting. Although I'm not expected to act in that capacity, it's pretty clear she's been physically and emotionally unwell for years and so I do what I can. Wish me luck 

[rainydiary]

I hope this week goes as smooth as it can.

[dollyvee]

Hey Ownside,

It took me a long time to piece everything together as well and getting into a relationship with a covert/victim narcissist seven years ago was the thing that finally made me go, my therapist 12 years ago said my mom was a narcissist maybe I should look more into that. After that, it was a process of learning, and unlearning I guess with a good therapist, what was actually happening growing up. It started with, "I don't think something is right with my family (in my body I know it's not right) and my previous t mentioned my m was a narcissist, is my gm a narc too?" It took a long time to pick out the behaviours because my gm (and gf it turns out too) always told me that she loved me etc, and how could people that tell you they love you be so bad?

I find the covert/victim narcissists are difficult to pick up on. Maybe this applies to your m and maybe it's something else entirely.

Sending you support,
dolly

[OwnSide]

Thanks rainy and dolly.

I think I have a tendency to lose myself in empathy. It's an area where I have control. I can't save my mom from her burnout, or my sister from the perils of toddler development, or even my cat from his trauma triggers. But I can care, and I can offer my services, and I can shut down the parts of me that get annoyed or resentful or dubious. How can I snap at somebody when being snapped at gives me anxiety attacks? How can I act like it's a burden to be needed when I remember feeling like a burden for needing things? How can I doubt someone's feelings when I know how it feels to be invalidated?

I end up trying to be this paragon of patience and understanding but it's exhausting. It's like this switch keeps getting flipped and I have to push it back to off right away before I can even finish the thought I was having. I have tried letting myself at least have the thought without judging myself for it and that felt alright. I might work on that.

It's strange because as far as I know this is all a recent development (responding to the increased demands of having a toddler in house), but at the same time I know how to flip the switch. It often feels like the easier option -- all I have to do is feel differently and then I can do everything that's required. Like a transferable skill. I have some ideas of where it might have been transferred from but I'll save that for later.

That's been my week! I'll be on healing porch if anyone wants to drop by.

[sanmagic7]

hey, ownside, i joined you on the healing porch.  it feels great.

flipping switches sounds exhausting to me.   i think you have a right to your feelings/emotions no matter what the circumstances.  maybe not to act on all of them, but possibly take a break as a way to realign your mind - like going to the healing porch for a few!  just a thought.  keep taking care of you, ok?  sending love and a hug full of comfort, if that's ok.

[OwnSide]

Thank you San. I am always up for hugs. 

Sometimes when an opportunity comes along where it would be beneficial to me to share something, or ask for help, or do something else healing, I ask myself, "What would my sister do?" Because even though she is still a toddler, she is such a strong force of self-advocacy. She voices her feelings loudly and repeatedly. She goes after what she wants regardless of what anyone says. And when I imagine her as an adult, I see someone who's kept that confidence and agency. Someone who had an emotionally healthy role model to grow up with. I think that role model has to be me.

So in the spirit of my sister, I'm pushing through a great deal of internal resistance to share a little bit of my feelings after watching some of the videos Dolly recommended on parental narcissism. I just watched them, so it's all rather fresh. I don't want to jump to conclusions. But I am thinking that growing up with a single parent covert narcissist could potentially explain a lot of what I go through and have gone through.

These are the videos I watched:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UU7U7srYz6U
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1JVHyTBAbw

[OwnSide]

Okay. I will acknowledge that I took a two and half week hiatus there and explain why I might continue to abstain from the journal, at least for the near future.

Please understand, there's no blame to give. No-one's done anything wrong. This is my own issue, with myself, that I'm working on. And I'm trying not to judge myself too much for it, at least on here, in case someone relates.

I have a hard time not receiving feedback on posts.

It takes me to a place of, oh, I'm not doing enough. I need to write a better post. I need to better support others, so that they, in turn, will want to reciprocate. I look back on the journal and I can see that I have received plenty of support. Logically, I see that and appreciate it. Every piece of compassion counts. But emotionally a lot of it just doesn't sink in and I don't know why. Then, when I try to give support, I'm reminded of how my efforts haven't stopped my mom's downward slide, and the spiral continues.

So I think I will stick with the topics of discussion for now. I find that easier as the subject is more about the topic than any one person. I've also been writing plenty in my private journal, so I have an outlet.

Thank you for understanding.

----------------------------------------------------
PS:
Upon reflection, I don't think my mom is covert N -- I resonated with some of the victim behaviours and teasing jokes -- but overall it doesn't seem to fit. There's been too much love to fake. The behaviours still matter, but I'd rather not use the label.

[Armee]

 

You're not alone in feeling that way and I've noticed sometimes I feel that way, too, and then I'll look and see no actually a bunch of people have commented and supported, but I still feel empty somehow. So...just know it's not just you. it might be an unfortunate side effect of making ourselves vulnerable here. I'll look forward to interacting however you avail yourself of this whole forum. If it isn't helpful to post in a recovery journal then it is very wise to abstain for now.

[Papa Coco]

Lord knows I struggle with it too. Any time my posts are responded to quickly, I fear I've said something offensive or humiliating.

It's trauma.

I hope you continue to work with the forum in any way that works for you. It's a great place to meet with people who already know what it feels like to be us.

[CrackedIce]

Hi OwnSide!

Oh I can not tell you how much I resonate with the 'post anxiety' thing.  It's calmed down a bit since I've joined the forum here, but the first few posts I made had me hitting refresh every few minutes.  The recovery letter I wrote my mom didn't get any replies for well over a month and I thought I had somehow offended the entire community / everyone saw that I didn't really have trauma / should take it down and pretend it never happened.  I've refrained from sharing my other letters because of how much that affected me.

Just know that we're all here for each other, and a lot of us read every single word, even if we're not in a place where we can respond to it.  I've always felt getting thoughts down on paper (or screen in this case) and out of your head is an important part of the therapy process, hopefully it helps you as well.

Have a great week!

[dollyvee]

Hey Ownside,

You know I actually think I responded to your previous post from the 23rd but it disappeared in the server changeover with a few of my other posts.

I also hope you find a way to approach the stuff with your mom in a way that works for you.

Sending you support  :grouphug
dolly

[OwnSide]

Oh wow... Reading your replies, I felt a warmth come over me. I can't tell you how much I needed that. I'm really not alone after all 

The recovery letter I wrote my mom didn't get any replies for well over a month and I thought I had somehow offended the entire community / everyone saw that I didn't really have trauma / should take it down and pretend it never happened.  I've refrained from sharing my other letters because of how much that affected me.

That really sucks, CrackedIce. I'm sorry that happened to you. It continues to astound me how many people, who I read about and consider to have "real trauma" (ex. you), share thoughts so similar to my own (ex. thinking you don't "really" have trauma).

Thank you all