The Next Version Of Me

[Bach]

I have been talking to that woman too much for a couple of days.  Our interactions have been completely civil and haven’t been affecting me in any of the deeply personal flashback-inducing ways they were affecting me in the fall, and I have felt free to say what’s on my mind.  That makes me feel very strong and positive about myself, but it’s like junk food.  It tastes great at first, but you know it’s bad for you and that you can’t have much without it making sick.  So you tell yourself you’re just going to have a little, but then once you get started it’s hard to stop.  The next thing you know, you’ve eaten too much and you’re not going to sleep well tonight.  That’s where I am with her right now. 

I have moved past being hurt by her raging narcissism, but it’s still a horrible feeling to have come from that.  I guess I’m going to be processing that for a while, figuring out how to grieve the relationship I’ll never be able to have with her, figuring out how to understand and remember and internalise that I am separate from her.  I am my own person upon who she is no reflection.  I can have things in common with her without BEING her.  My understanding of myself can be informed by what I observe in her but that does not in any way indicate that I am “just like her” in any way that really matters.  I think that I used[ to be a lot like her in some toxic and harmful ways, but I have worked on myself and become a saner, kinder, more compassionate, less narcissistic person than she has ever been.  Working on herself is something that she never did, never really tried to do, certainly isn’t going to do at this point.  And that’s okay.  It unnerves me that she represents herself as having lived a fairly happy and satisfied life until her recent bereavement, because she has never really seemed to have anything positive to say about her life other than insisting over and over again that she and my stepfather loved each other and made a perfect match, but that’s entirely her business and not mine. 

It’s hard sometimes knowing that in her reality, she loved me and had my best interests at heart when I was a child, and did her best to serve them in the face of my being “uncontrollable and wild”, and her “not being a good parent [because she] didn’t know what to do with [me]” NOT because of  “anything overt like sexual, physical or emotional abuse”, when that reality is so vastly different from what I experienced, but at least I know that all the physical, practical and psychological evidence I’ve ever gathered supports my interpretation of the realities rather than hers.  The outrageous things she says in her displays of perfect unbridled narcissism that indicate her deep belief that everything she ever did was either inadvertent or was totally justified no matter who it hurt because she’s the only person whose perspective is reasonable and that she was only doing what anyone else would have done in her place trying to be happy have absolutely nothing to do with me.  This stuff doesn’t cut deep to the very core of my being like it always did in the past.  But still, ouch.  Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.

[Bach]

I wish I could have a dog.  A real dog, not just my heavy doggy buddy.  I love my heavy doggy buddy but that's not a real dog.  If I could I would have a pit bull. People think that they're bad dogs but they're wrong.  Pit bulls are the sweetest dogs ever when they have good doggy parents.  There are no good doggy parents in my house.  But look at this beautiful sweet baby:

https://flic.kr/p/2mXBBGF

I wish I could cuddle him, big sweet goofy doggo!

[Not Alone]

Middle B, I wish you could have a real dog too. The picture you sent is so cute!

but I have worked on myself and become a saner, kinder, more compassionate, less narcissistic person than she has ever been. 

You have worked so hard. Good for you.

This stuff doesn't cut deep to the very core of my being like it always did in the past.  But still, ouch.  Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.

Ouch indeed. 

[Bach]

Not Alone, sometimes I want to cry because I can't have a real doggy. I can almost feel the snuggling with his big fuzzy hard skull and smelly dog breath and sweet cuddleness. I never really liked dogs until we met Bach's friend Ladybird's big old sweet dumb doggo who was seriously almost as big as me! Then that doggo got really really old and died but Ladybird got another who looked just like her only way smaller and when I visit Ladybird she likes to sit on my lap and she's so waaaarm and snuggly and snuffly and I love it. I miss Ladybird's house. I wish I could go but we can't fly to England now. I'm so sad.

Here's another supercutie pibble doggy I want to hug!
https://flic.kr/p/2mXCJhh

[Not Alone]

Middle B, that dog is sooo cute. It's okay that you feel so sad that you can't have a dog. It's really hard when we can't have something we want so much, especially since a dog would bring comfort.

Not Alone

[sanmagic7]

i agree with notalone.  having a comfort doggy sounds like it would be ideal for you.  someday, i hope . . .  love and hugs, my dear

[Bach]

Not Alone and san, thank you for your replies.  Middle B is very sad lately, and I feel pretty terrible about the dog thing.  She sort of understands why I say that getting a dog would not turn out the way she envisions, but it's a hard thing for a child to really understand and accept, and I have no real way to console her.  She's crying all the time and she doesn't want to do anything.  I don't think I've ever realised before this just how much of my life-force comes from her. 

[Not Alone]

Bach and Middle B: Sending you lots of hugs and love.               

[Bach]

Not Alone, san, and whoever else might read here:  Middle B wanted me to tell you that even though she's still really sad (like REALLY REALLY REALLY sad) we can't have a dog, she feels a teeny bit better now because we worked on all of it in somatic therapy today and she was able to feel that I am taking her needs seriously enough, and that I am committed to finding some kind of solution for that ache she has (TO SNUGGLE A WARM THICK SOLID WIGGLY SNUFFY SILLY SWEETIE DOGGY!) even though that solution might not be what she expects, or that it might not be very soon.  She's going to trust me even though I've broken a lot of promises in the past, and she really appreciates that I got a special therapist for her ME all locked up here in her body with the hurty stuff!!! instead of just continuing to bang on with the stupid useless confusing  analytical talk therapy that I seem to still really need for my adult mental processes.  She didn't have enough words so she asked me to write it for her and helped a little with the words she did have.  And she's not sure when hugs are safe even when people say they are, so "no cartoon hug thingies", and she'd "put a flower if there was one."  She likes flowers.  She said to "tell them that, too."  And she said I could put one of these, , which she says is the only one she likes "besides the AGH AGH AGH thing."

So, from me, Bach, to all of you, : h u g : :b i g hug: and :g r o u p hug: and thank you deeply from the bottom of my heart for caring about my (Little)Middle B.

[sanmagic7]

hey little one, i love flowers, too, so i'll send you one instead of a hug - how about a daisy?  they have always seemed playful and cheery to me.  if you have a favorite, let me know, ok?  i'm sure it's been hard to carry so much icky stuff on your shoulders for bach, but i think you've done a great job of it.  it sounds like bach is doing everything she can to lighten that load for you.  you've been such a good helper to her.  sending you love and 

[Not Alone]

Hi Middle B. Thanks for letting us know that the cartoon hugs don't feel safe. I'll try to remember and send lots of sunshine. 

[Bach]

I can't with this life.  And I can't take care of these children in here.  I don't even know which one is which right now, they are all miserable and upset and acting out and going crazy about their own separate things.  So many hurts.  So much trauma.  All still trapped inside here.  They all need the same things, but they all need different things, too.  I can't give any of them any of it.  And we ALL want hugs, even though we're afraid of them.   

Aside from what all of them need that I can't give them, what about ME? 

[Blueberry]

I'm really sorry you're hurting so much Bach. I hear you, I see you.

I have also been there. I used to have about 10 inner children and inner teens whose needs and emotions and things like that regularly overwhelmed me. It did get better though. Somehow the ICs and ITeens got better integrated. Sending care, support, good thoughts and if helpful   

[Armee]

Hi Bach,

You do matter in this and it's a lot to have on your shoulders to care for all of the Littles and middles.

Hi Middle B if you are reading...I'm sending you over a snap dragon those bright little flowers where you can pinch their mouths open. I once found one dying in a public planter without any water so me and my little girl stole it and brought it home to raise it. It's been two years and it's now so full and has so many flowers on it. Sometimes I wish someone had seen me withering as a little girl and had taken me somewhere safer where I could thrive and bloom too. I wish someone had rescued Bach and all the good people on here too so we didn't all have to suffer so long.

[Not Alone]

Bach, I was in the place this week of so many of my Littles being in distress. It's difficult enough when one or two are feeling deep feelings; when many are distraught it is so overwhelming. Adult-you matters and needs and is worthy of care also. I hear you. I wish that each of the people here, with whom you feel relatively safe, could spend time with one of the children and do what we could to bring that child some comfort.

Be kind to yourself and your children. Are there little things that you can do to bring a measure of comfort? This week, a hot cup of coffee with a lot of cream, while sitting in a comfortable chair, helped to lower the distress a bit.

If you feel up to reading this, the following website gives suggestions for self-care.
https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/blog/selfcare

I care. You are not alone.