The Next Version Of Me

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
It's tough having house renovations done.  Hope the mess from the disruptions will be over asap - really sorry that you had that ferocious emotional flashback at the hairdresser.  Combing tangles out of hair - I relate very much to some thoughts about that myself.  Glad you were able to cope during the hairdresser appointment, but so sorry that you felt overwhelmed when you got home.  I hope you're feeling a bit better now, and I wanted to send you a hug of support, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Papa Coco]

Bach,

I'm sorry to hear of the flashbacks during the hair appointment. Also, I have lived through home renovations. They're disruptive in many ways. The house is a mess, but that's not the half of it. People are invasively tromping around in YOUR private space. That's unsettling in ways that are more subconscious. If we feel safe in our homes, but our homes are being dismantled, changed, repaired, by strangers... well...it's okay to feel unsettled.

I hope the renovations go smoothly and quickly and the renovators don't stay too much longer.

[Not Alone]

Flashbacks are awful. Having people working on your house disruptive too.

[sanmagic7]

hey, bach, thinking of you.  you know, coping can be an awful lot of work.  i'm just glad you're finding the wherewithal to do that.  hang tough, ok?  love and hugs

[Bach]

Hope, Papa, Not Alone and san, your support is as always so appreciated 

Life is currently very uncomfortable.  My discipline for self-care is shot.  I'm really glad we're having this remodelling done but I wish it would be finished already.  I'm tired of peeing in a bottle in the middle of the night. 

I've been thinking a lot about anger, guilt and shame.  I feel that I need to express a lot of that, put that into words, but it's incredibly hard for me to do.  Something that has been happening lately is that while I'm going about my business doing whatever, I'll flash on being a younger self and have a very clear thought of "I am angry about how (element from my past) resulted in (difficult thing I remembered)", and I'll want to write it down so that I can name another of the experiences that I need somatic release from, but then when I get to the page I can't remember or I can't say it or I don't understand what it even was.  Yesterday I tried to start a journal in which to keep a record of things that I am angry about but I couldn't figure out how to start or even why I should. 

[Armee]

 

Oh going pee in a bottle would get old faster than it started. Hang in.

I have the same experience of when I am hearing or learning about things inside that I can't remember them a few seconds later. And also very big things that have been very clear that all the sudden same thing I can't remember why it was a big deal or why I needed to share it with my H or what I even needed to tell him. It's dissociation I guess. That little pocket of neurons that were firing stop and go silent when we return to our normal selves?

[Bach]

Today I had a pretty intense therapy session in which I put my finger on one of the biggest things that I feel guilt and shame about, which is that during my formative years I learned terrible values and almost no morals at all because no one really raised me but the parental figures I observed in my daily life were terrible people.  I started to figure that out at around 19 when I got together with my first boyfriend.  Not a particularly well-raised guy himself, but ever so slightly better socialised.  Then at 20 I discovered Buddhism and learned about karma and the law of cause and effect, and ever since then I've been working to improve my values and morals.  This has been extremely difficult and has cost me untold opportunities and relationships, because I've mostly had to find what the problems were as I went, learning the hard way every time exactly what those bad values and moral deficiencies were and how to correct them, because I never even knew they were there until they bit me on the bum enough times. 

I'm not done with this line of thought but that was really intense to get out so I'm going to stop and post before I burn out.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing and resonate a lot with learning and finding problems as one goes.

[Bach]

Armee, that's a interesting thought about that phenomenon being dissociation.  I never thought of it that way.  It troubles me a bit.  I don't have a very good understanding of what the word "dissociation" means when used in the context of understanding and healing from CPTSD, and as a word it has vague connotations of grave character flaw for me, even though I know that it isn't like that.  My feelings about it stem from overhearing conversations between my mother and my grandmother when I was a kid.  My grandmother was a psychoanalyst, and she and my mother had a lot of discussions about "crazy people".  In any case, it's really distressing that these things bubble to the surface and draw attention to themselves, like with a big neon sign with an arrow saying "LOOK AT ME I'M IMPORTANT", and then disappear leaving behind frustration and confusion.

rainy, thank you for your comment.  I think my biggest source of guilt and shame is the feeling I get when I figure out something I've been doing (wrong?) without even knowing it, the feeling that I should have known better or I should have figured it out sooner, and the weight of all the things I wish I could have known enough to do differently. 

[Not Alone]

I feel that I need to express a lot of that, put that into words, but it's incredibly hard for me to do.  Something that has been happening lately is that while I'm going about my business doing whatever, I'll flash on being a younger self and have a very clear thought of "I am angry about how (element from my past) resulted in (difficult thing I remembered)", and I'll want to write it down so that I can name another of the experiences that I need somatic release from, but then when I get to the page I can't remember or I can't say it or I don't understand what it even was.  Yesterday I tried to start a journal in which to keep a record of things that I am angry about but I couldn't figure out how to start or even why I should.

Would it be helpful to verbally record your thoughts on your phone or some other recording device?

[rainydiary]

rainy, thank you for your comment.  I think my biggest source of guilt and shame is the feeling I get when I figure out something I've been doing (wrong?) without even knowing it, the feeling that I should have known better or I should have figured it out sooner, and the weight of all the things I wish I could have known enough to do differently. 

I resonate with this.  I am trying to carry this too. 

[Bach]

Not Alone, I'm not very comfortable making voice recordings.  Even so, this problem is more that the thought or feeling or memory I want to express will come to me when I'm doing something I can't interrupt for it, and then by the time I'm able to write it down (or speak it), I have either lost it entirely, or I have lost the important aspects of it and there's nothing to express.  It's very frustrating. 

rainy, I stand with you, it is such a struggle.

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
I wanted to tell you that something you wrote the other day, where you shared some of your feelings about when Little Bach was helping her Mum to wash-up - it really meant a lot to my smaller parts to hear how well you expressed those things - and it helped me to have some clarity on some things in my own life and memories etc - it was like a key turned for me when I was considering the impact of those things whilst at night trying to sleep. 

I relate very much to the struggle/difficulty to express things, and to bring them to mind and communicate them - sometimes and oftentimes it's so difficult if not feels impossible, but you did communicate and the fact you shared it, it was so helpful.

Hope 

[Bach]

Hope, thank you very much for telling me that.  It means a lot to me.

[Bach]

I'm so depressed today, and so full of self-hatred. All my own fault, all the result of self-destructiveness and lack of discipline. I HATE being me.