The Next Version Of Me

[Bach]

I'm starting a new journal for the new year.  For the new rhythm that my life will soon have.  Such big changes are coming for me next year when I move after 24 years in a house I've loved, in a town that I've loved but which is changing.  I'm excited about the new town and the land and the water and the house, and about letting go of all the things that I'm not going to bring there with me.  There is also plenty of anxiety about the next several months, about the process of moving and of starting up a whole new situation, but I'm trying not to dwell on that because it is what it is and it is what it's going to be, and somehow I'm going to get through it even if I'm not sure quite how. 

I've started working little by little on getting rid of things.  It's very hard for me.  Both My Person and I have hoarding tendencies.  But I feel ready for it.  I feel really good about the stuff that I've gotten rid of so far, even though I keep expecting myself to second guess it.  I think I'm rather emotionally confused because I'm letting go of some things that I have felt for a very long time that it was important I keep around, and I don't understand why all of the sudden it seems okay and safe to let them go.  I've been acting out that confusion and anxiety a bit with food and cannabis for the past week or so, and I'm not very happy about that but objectively I'm holding up quite well.

I've been using a Fisher-Wallace Stimulator device for a few months and I think it helps.  I've also been doing somatic experiencing therapy in addition to my usual talk therapy for the past few months.  I think the somatic experiencing therapy has great promise for me but I'm worried about the cost, which I'm paying for out of my pocket because I could barely find any somatic therapists at all, much less ones who would take my insurance.  Lucky for me I'm a highly motivated patient with a great deal of knowledge about how to get as much as I possibly can out of my therapies. 

I'm really glad that the holiday season is finally almost over, and soon we'll be able to get on with life.  #1 issue is My Person needing a new job because the one he's had for the past two years that was supposed to run through the end of 2022 was eliminated at the end of November.  They paid him through Christmas, fortunately, and he's got some leads, but nobody does anything in our business during the last two weeks of the year.  My Person is highly employable in his field, but most of the work is contract rather than staff.  It's been such a luxury these past two years of his having a staff job.  It shouldn't be any problem at all for him to get more work, but there's always the question of what will it be, how much will it pay, how long will it last, will he have to work outside the home, etc.  I have NOT missed having to worry about that stuff.

[Armee]

You sound really good! The move sounds exciting and that's so excellent your person is so employable.

[Bach]

Back in November, My Person and I went down to my mother's house at the shore when she was staying in the city.  I had told her we were planning to go to the shore to take a walk in the sea air, and she offered that we could use the house if we wanted to.  So she left me a key and we went there.  It was weird being in that house again.  I used to spend a lot of time in that house many years ago when she didn't live there year round, and it was just sitting there empty and fully equipped for use during the winter, but she's lived there full time for many years now, and the place is choked with the detritus of Mom.  I had a poke around, something I've never been able to resist doing there.  Then I did something that I consider to be truly WRONG, and yet which I feel weirdly justified in doing.  What I did was copy personal files from her computer to my phone so that I could read them later, the chapters she has written thus far of what she has been referring to as her memoirs of her "great loves" (i.e., my father and my stepfather).  If someone went into my computer without my permission and read my personal files that way, I would consider it the worst of betrayals.  But reading the two weird disjointed chapters that my mother has written of this memoir had an unexpected result for me.  Somehow, it made me feel able to let go of my anger at her, to see her as a sad crazy old woman who cannot hurt me anymore.  It made me actually feel pity and compassion for her, because no matter what a monster she may have been to me when I was little, she is old and pathetic now, and I have learned too much about who I am and what I'm worth for any of the crazy things she might say to hurt me.  Somehow, I really understand now once and for all that it's not about me and it never has been.  I was never the crazy one.

Since then, I have been communicating a bit with her via text and it feels healthy.  I'm able to be nice to her in a way that conforms to my image of myself, while not having any expectations of what she'll be willing or able to give me. I know I have to always make sure to monitor where I am in that image of myself vs expectations of her thing, and not assume that she's completely toothless now, but for the time being, that's in a good place.  Thank Goodness.

[Hope67]

Dear Bach,
Sending you a heartfelt hug and hoping that this New Year treats you well - there are lots of nice changes in your life, I can see that, and I wish you the best for all of those changes. 



Hope 

[Armee]

Bach,

That's a super important realization you had

You never ever were the crazy one. It was always her.

You also still have the right to step away from her if you ever need to.

[Not Alone]

  Somehow, I really understand now once and for all that it's not about me and it never has been.  I was never the crazy one.

Since then, I have been communicating a bit with her via text and it feels healthy.  I'm able to be nice to her in a way that conforms to my image of myself, while not having any expectations of what she'll be willing or able to give me. I know I have to always make sure to monitor where I am in that image of myself vs expectations of her thing, and not assume that she's completely toothless now, but for the time being, that's in a good place.  Thank Goodness.

Wow, Bach. That is really big.

[rainydiary]

Bach, I am grateful you had this experience and are feeling some release.  I appreciate what you said about acting in a way that aligns with your image of yourself and can take the experience for what it is.  Thank you for sharing your experience.

[sanmagic7]

hey, bach,

glad to see your new journal.  a thought:  sometimes we do bad things for good reasons.  you had your own reason for doing what you did, and, in my mind, it was valid.  when my D1 went to the psych hospital the first time, i went into her room and looked thru her diary.  it provided profound information that answered some questions for me, provided missing pieces.  in the end, i was glad i did it. 

it sounds like you found something you needed for your relationship with your M to move ahead on a healthier path.  i'm so glad for you about that.  funny how something can change a part of our lives like that.  love and hugs, dear bach

[Bach]

Armee, Hope, Not Alone, rainy and san, I'm so happy to see all of you! I appreciate your responses so very much, especially with my lack of activity over the past many months.  I despair of how much energy it takes to communicate, and how little of that energy I have. There's so much I would like to say, if I only had the energy.

I guess that lately a lot of the energy for communication that I do have has been going to my mother.  I mostly feel good about our interactions, but I know I have to watch myself carefully, because I know that she will very quickly start to take more than I have to give.  The thing I understand now is that she won't even do that intentionally, or because she wants to, but just because that's the nature of HER.  She's a gravity well.  And the hardest part is knowing that when she sucks me in, it isn't even because she wants me.  She wants an audience.  She wants attention.  She wants to be witnessed.  She doesn't want me, and there's nothing I can do to make her.  I can fulfill that spectator role, but there's nothing I can do to be her daughter, or make her my mother.  I don't get a mother.  She doesn't get a daughter.  I feel cheated.  And how sad for her, too.  I'm a darned good person and I could be an excellent daughter.  But she's never known how to want that.  She never will, and I can’t teach her. 

I want to explain to myself why I don’t feel guilty about any of my snooping and thievery at her house (yes, thievery, never anything that she particularly cared about or probably even noticed, but thievery nonetheless), but every time I try to put it into words I get weird physical pains that won’t let me.  Which probably means that it’s important.  BLEAH.

[Armee]

Receiving is a form of giving, too.

Your insights are spot on about your mom. It doesn't really make it easy to deal with but better than just blaming ourselves.

[sanmagic7]

i get it about the energy thing, bach.  some days i have enough energy to write here, others, not a drop.  it's funny how that works, but i guess it's all part of the process of healing.  it's not a straight line, is it.  love and hugs, my dear.   

[Bach]

I've been eating too much, and too close to bedtime lately.  I didn't sleep very well last night and was very depressed and angsty and weepy today.  I think that might be because of the realisation about my mother that I wrote about here yesterday.  When I wrote it here, I don't think I really realised that it bothered me.  But so much about my mother is like that.  I think what it is about her that bothers me is that she makes up her own life.  Whatever she tells you about herself and her life will always be based on true things that really happened, but there will always be a slant to them that paints her as completely disempowered.  A helpless victim at the exact center of an unfair world that exists to serve her and yet refuses to do so. 

On a more personal level, it bothers me that there's a part of me who she endlessly fascinates in a train-wreck kind of way, and another part who endlessly craves her attention.  Not because I want her approval or to make a connection, but because I want to gawk.  I want to gawk, and to endlessly prove to myself that I'm not like her.  That I won't end up like her.  That I'm better than she is.  I want to prove to myself that I don't need her love.  Because her love isn't real.  Her love isn't for me.  I guess wanting love from someone who can't give it to me will always be a dilemma for me. 

[rainydiary]

Bach, I appreciate you sharing your experience and reflections.  I am grateful you are here and finding ways to hopefully heal from the pain of not having the parental love you deserve and need.  I hope that you find a balance with eating and rest that feels right to you. 

[tea-the-artist]

hi bach! i understand how your realization about your mother affected you like that afterwards. pitying her and finding yourself able to communicate with her in a way that's healthy for you (and feeling great about that) and while also understanding the reality of her nature... oof. it's not fair thanks for sharing, it does make me a bit hopeful with my own mom

[sanmagic7]

hey, bach, i've also had those realizations sneak up on me hours or days later and bite me in the butt, so to speak.  tricky little devils, but all the more painful than expected.  i truly hate when it happens - one minute i'm thinking, oh, so this is what it's all about, the next minute, OH! SO THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!   it often feels that huge.  sending love and a hug filled with the hope of getting thru this painful realization and coming to a place of peace.