The Next Version Of Me

[sanmagic7]

 

[Not Alone]

I felt overwhelmed and unsafe when I moved from the bedroom that I shared with H to my own bedroom. Moving your whole house and family. . .huge.

I'm feeling tender toward and what baby B went through. You/baby B had every right to feel and express sadness and anger.

[Bach]

We moved into our new house on Sunday.  We’re not completely done clearing out the old house yet, but we’re getting there.  Cleaners are booked for April 30 and the closing is scheduled for May 3.  I set up my bed-corner in my bedroom and my TV-corner in my living room to be similar to how they were in the old house so that I would have a couple of areas that feel as familiar and safe as possible, but everything is quite chaotic.  During the lead-up to the move, we got rid of a lot of things that we don’t need anymore and I’m really happy about that, but the grand plans I dreamed up to do the actual move in an organised fashion were a complete fail. 

I’m relieved that we’re finally living here, and I really like  the new house and town, but wow, the disorientation.  I’ve been feeling okay most of the time, mostly in control and able to function, though interspersed with waves of intense anxiety and overwhelm, and generally still smoking too much weed and eating too much sugar.  Fair enough, I guess.  I need to go to bed now and I’m struggling to do it, because mornings are the hardest.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you reflecting on your experience, especially in creating familiar set ups to bring a sense of safety.  I resonate with all of this as a person that is still reeling from their move.  I hope that you find ease and comfort as you get settled in.

[sanmagic7]

we moved nearly a year ago, and we're still not settled.  moving is so hard, so huge.  do what you need to do to get thru it, bach.  you'll find your way out of the 'too much' jungle in time.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs if you want them, Bach. Moving never goes exactly according to plan, but there will come a time when you walk through the house and realize it's home and it's natural. I like how you created your personal spaces right off. Hopefully you find more things you like about the new environment.

[Armee]

I couldn't say it better than CF did. Hang in there through the change and disruption.

[Bach]

Thank you so much for the kind posts, everyone.  It's all so crazy.  I really never thought I would leave my old house.  I loved my little house, my beautiful garden, my proximity to the main street of my town and all the safety and familiarity of a place I'd been living for 24 years.  And I loved my town.  It was a great walking town.  For many years, My Person and I had a hobby on Sundays when the weather is good (and I have the energy) of going to open houses that we could walk to from our house, and we figured that even if we ever did move it would only be to a different house in our town.  Over the years, we saw some that we liked pretty well, but even when we saw ones we liked that we could dream of buying, we would always come to the conclusion that our house suited us, that we were happy with it, that even with its limitations it was the best house for us.  In more recent years, our looking at houses became about getting ideas for a big remodel that would overcome some of those limitations and make our beloved little house even better.  I was hoping against hope for years that no one would be able to build on that lot on the corner, but even after the building on the lot on the corner was approved, I figured that we would just deal with it, and maybe it wouldn't be too bad.  We were even planning that long-fantasised-about renovation at the end of 2020.  We got drawings from an architect and borrowed money against our equity.  But none of the contractors that we wanted to use turned out to be available at that time, and then I got sick from whatever it was I got sick from last spring that had me pretty much couchbound for the entire summer, so the money was just sitting in our bank account.  Then builders showed up to start work on the lot on the corner.  All they did at the time* was build a retaining wall (butted right up against the driveway of the house behind ours), but the noise and the house shaking from them doing that was enough to make me start thinking about how maybe that remodelling money could go to a down payment on another house instead.  So we started actively looking for another house in our town.  We stopped restricting our open house viewing to houses we could walk to from our house, and spending Sunday afternoons going to every open house that we could.  We saw some houses that we could afford that weren't really suitable, and some houses that were a little more suitable but that we couldn't really afford.  I figured that we would keep looking and eventually something would turn up.  Then one Sunday there was only one house in our town available to look at, and because we had open house hunger, we decided to go for a drive and look in another town just for a lark.  Just to see what else was out there.  We went from "We'll find something in our town eventually, and until then we'll stay where we are" to "We're going to buy a house in this town we used to sometimes take a drive to on a weekend for brunch at the good diner and the farmer's market" in exactly five days. No wonder I'm disorientated!

Not a hint of regret.  This place is great, and we will make it our own, and this time maybe we really will never move again?  But loads of anxiety from my messed-up somatic wiring that causes things that make me feel happy and fortunate to backlash me with fear and anxiety. 

*I've been wondering since they built that wall when the actual construction was going to start.  Well, last week a bunch of construction materials showed up at the site.  So I guess we got out just in time!  The nice young family who bought our house was warned that the construction was coming and apparently they weren't fazed by that.  Hopefully it won't bother them too much!

[sanmagic7]

hey, bach, i hear you on that backlash thing.  my D and i were just talking about it - i'm in the process of finishing my next book, and the excitement of that sent my anxiety sky high.  weird how that works.  but, i'm glad you have such a pos. attitude about making this new place your own.  i love it.  i have no doubt it will indeed happen.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
It's such a big thing to move house, and I'm glad that you have managed to negotiate your way through all the practicalities of doing that, and also all the emotional stuff around it - that's big. 

to you, and hope that your day today is ok, and you have some nice experiences within it.  I hope you enjoy your new home very much.

Hope 

[Bach]

I'm trying to get my head/heart/body/nervous system around the whole question of anger. I talked a bit about anger today with my talk therapist and had a very uncomfortable somatic reaction. I feel it happening right now as I type. I am coming to feel that my self-destructive behaviours are a feedback loop created by that original primal wound of
(Trigger warning)












my mother suffocating me when I was an infant. I am acting that out over and over by doing things that are bad for me, then feeling anger because I am not being properly cared for, then stuffing that anger down deep into my gut in that place that has always been numb but that I've started to feel now that HURTS, that HURTS to feel when I feel it, OH PAIN PAIN PAIN...which makes me seek temporary relief/pacification/numbness in self-injurious behaviours (i.e. Irresponsible use of food and drugs) , which starts the cycle all over again. I don't want everything in my life that has harmed me to always come back to those things that happened to me so early in my life ("Before I even had a CHANCE!" cries out little-girl me), but I guess at the end of the day they kind of do.

Talking to my therapist about anger today led to a backlash of careless drug use. Which leads to me here now, awake and queasy and angry when I should be getting some sleep so I can do some more moving tomorrow   

[sanmagic7]

dear bach,

as i was reading this most recent post, the image came to me of that baby being so angry and scared of what was happening.  it hurt my heart.  i can see her kicking her feet, waving her arms, violent motions against the monstrosity of what was happening.  i'm so glad you're still with us, but i totally get why you'd have problems w/ anger now - look at what happened when you expressed it as a baby!  it's so not fair, you didn't deserve this, and i can readily believe in that feedback loop you spoke of.

sending love and a hug filled with comfort, care, and the nurturing you missed out on.   

[paul72]

Hi Bach,
I spent most of my drive to work this morning crying after reading your post. (I spent the rest pounding on my car door - so not smart of me)
If you'll forgive me.... I had an image of baby me and baby you just on our backs, laying, smiling together. Not only were we worthy of love, but capable of it too. And also capable of remembering.  I too, believe you about the feedback loop. Never knowing a time where you felt cared for. You deserved so so so so much better. I'm sorry!!!

[Bach]

san, thank you for that hug.  I needed it 

Phil, your post made me cry a little, but in a comforting way. I can see an image of those babies, and it's difficult for me to relate to it as an image of me, but I can feel it as truth somewhere inside, way down deep in there mixed with the scary exhausting painful anger, and that feels like something big and important that I will revisit soon when I am able.  Thank you 

9 days until closing on the sale of our old house.  We're not all the way out of the old house yet.  We're getting close, but there's still a lot to do.  I was doing okay for a while, but I've really started to go downhill in the past week.  I'm really afraid that I'm going to get ill again.  Maybe I won't, or if I do, maybe it won't be too bad and I'll bounce back quickly after I no longer have a whole other house to worry about.  Trying to believe that things will be okay and I won't be laid up for another summer.

[sanmagic7]

dear bach, leaving homes/houses, moving, getting settled, settling all the old details needed to let you be free of them - whew!  sending vibes of energy to get thru this as easily as possible so you'll be able to enjoy your summer.  love and a hug filled with 'you'll deal with whatever comes down the pike - i have faith in you.