I feel such deep grief when I think about things I could have done and the person I could have been if I hadn’t had a narcissistic sociopath for a mother. I try not to dwell on that, but I have times when it’s a persistent intrusive thought. Tonight I was watching a television show in which there were some very tender and believable scenes between a mother and a teenaged daughter who were talking out a family issue, and the thought of a mother and daughter who had the love and trust between them to have that kind of a conversation felt like a weight on my chest. Not the good kind.
Yesterday I had an absolutely bonkers conversation over text with my mother, who was semi-melting down over some repair problems in her house. It started out as reasonable exchange between an elderly mother with a problem and a grown daughter with an appropriate but calm level of interest and concern about the situation, but then she started catastrophising and pouring on the self-pity, and I had to call her on it. I wasn’t nasty about it, but I did make it clear that I wasn’t going down that road with her. This caused her to bait me about the past. I’m never sure what she wants when she does that. I don’t know if she wants me to tell her it’s okay, it’s the past, I love her, whatever, or if she wants to fight with me. Maybe both. She doesn’t get either, though. Whatever she says about the past, I push back with my truths, but only gently with as little argumentative charge as possible. This often takes several tries of writing what I’m feeling and then revising to take heat out of the language, and when I do it properly, it gives me a lot of satisfaction and reminds me that I am not now and never have been the crazy one. It leaves me with a lingering icky feeling as well, but it doesn’t make me hurt myself and make myself sick the way it used to. I believe that at least for now the benefit outweighs the harm. It sure does make me susceptible to heartfelt scenes on television shows and stupid memes on social media about the sacredness of motherhood, though.