The Next Version Of Me

[Snowdrop]

Just wanted to say I care about you Bach.

[Bach]

I feel such deep grief when I think about things I could have done and the person I could have been if I hadn’t had a narcissistic sociopath for a mother.  I try not to dwell on that, but I have times when it’s a persistent intrusive thought.  Tonight I was watching a television show in which there were some very tender and believable scenes between a mother and a teenaged daughter who were talking out a family issue, and the thought of a mother and daughter who had the love and trust between them to have that kind of a conversation felt like a weight on my chest.  Not the good kind. 

Yesterday I had an absolutely bonkers conversation over text with my mother, who was semi-melting down over some repair problems in her house.  It started out as reasonable exchange between an elderly mother with a problem and a grown daughter with an appropriate but calm level of interest and concern about the situation, but then she started catastrophising and pouring on the self-pity, and I had to call her on it.  I wasn’t nasty about it, but I did make it clear that I wasn’t going down that road with her.  This caused her to bait me about the past.  I’m never sure what she wants when she does that.  I don’t know if she wants me to tell her it’s okay, it’s the past, I love her, whatever, or if she wants to fight with me.  Maybe both.  She doesn’t get either, though.  Whatever she says about the past, I push back with my truths, but only gently with as little argumentative charge as possible.  This often takes several tries of writing what I’m feeling and then revising to take heat out of the language, and when I do it properly, it gives me a lot of satisfaction and reminds me that I am not now and never have been the crazy one.  It leaves me with a lingering icky feeling as well, but it doesn’t make me hurt myself and make myself sick the way it used to.  I believe that at least for now the benefit outweighs the harm.  It sure does make me susceptible to heartfelt scenes on television shows and stupid memes on social media about the sacredness of motherhood, though.

[Blueberry]

I feel such deep grief when I think about things I could have done and the person I could have been if I hadn't had a narcissistic sociopath for a mother.   

I so get this, Bach! Standing with you in your grief. 

[sanmagic7]

i can relate, bach, both w/ what might have been different about my life, the intrusive thoughts that i thought i'd pushed down enough, and the sometimes overwhelming feelings watching interactions i missed out on.  they regularly bring me to tears.  i'm with you.  it's trauma at its worst.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Yeah, you just described it eloquently Bach. 1000%.

It's really impressive that you can calmly interact with and witness your mom's texts without becoming terribly triggered. It was a state I aimed for in my interactions with my mom but couldn't attain. It speaks volumes to how well you've been able to heal some aspects of the traumatization. I know it isn't always so easy or even ok but that you've been able to do this without feeling compelled to self harm is actually really impressive and worthy of celebration. 

[Papa Coco]

Bach,

I like how you handled your mom on those texts. You are right, the benefit outweighs the harm. You are a caring, empathetic person (the polar opposite of a narcissist), so even when you have to put your foot down with an abusive narcissist, your caring nature brings up some "Icky" feelings. But the benefit outweighs the harm. And, btw, standing up for yourself is really not harm. It's firm. It's strong. But it's not harm. And standing up to her is actually good for her too. It means you've reached a positive place in life where you are now able to stop enabling her bad behavior. Like Maya Angelou said, "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better". Today, you're doing better. You're holding your ground in ways that were once impossible for you. Doesn't mean it feels good, but it does feel RIGHT.

My therapist often says, "You can't gain more potency without going through some anxiety."  The beautiful thing about this is that the reason it has an icky feeling is because you're a good person. Only scoundrels can say difficult things without feeling anything. We have to say difficult things to keep ourselves safe from our narcissistic parents. It's good that we are able to do it. It's also a good sign that it isn't easy for us to do. It means we are caring, loving people who have to deal with uncaring narcissistic selfishness.

[CrackedIce]

Hey Bach!

Definitely empathize with you on the show thing - there's a few shows where parents showing reasonable affection for their kids have me in tears.  My wife isn't affected the same way and often doesn't understand, leading to some embarrassment, but that inner child seeing how they could've been treated, what normal parenting looks like, just breaks my heart sometimes.

I applaud your efforts with your mom as well.  I have a few relatives from my FOO that I keep minimal contact with, mostly because they also slip into similar patterns and make the whole exchange uncomfortable.

Hope you have a good week!

[Bach]

Hi everyone  I'm still here.  I'm finding it completely impossible to communicate at the moment, but I'm still here.

[sanmagic7]

and still here w/ you, bach.  i get it.  love and hugs

[Armee]

 

[Snowdrop]

 

[CactusFlower]

we're here with you as well, bach.  Gentle hugs if you want them.

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you Bach.

[Blueberry]

Hi Bach Thinking of you

[Bach]

Friends  Your support means so much to me!

We're having renovations on our house right now and I'm a mess from the disruptions.  Today is especially bad because I went for a haircut, and I started having a ferocious emotional flashback when the stylist was combing the tangles out of my hair.  While it was going on I did very well with consciously relaxing and staying in my body, but once I got home I started feeling sick and panicky and completely overwhelmed.  I feel like I'm 6 years old and having a strange bright terrifying dream about my future life.  It's a good life, but something is WRONG 

Time to cope.  I get so tired of coping.  But really, what else is there?