[Blueberry]

Doesn't sound like your fault, sounds like Inner Critic and cptsd to me.

Please be gentle with yourself. I care about you Bach. 

[sanmagic7]

I think my biggest source of guilt and shame is the feeling I get when I figure out something I've been doing (wrong?) without even knowing it, the feeling that I should have known better or I should have figured it out sooner, and the weight of all the things I wish I could have known enough to do differently.

bach, i've struggled w/ this as well until i came to realize i wasn't taught how to do a lot of things (like live in a relationship, be social, cook, do housework, be me in the world, etc.)  i wasn't given the tools by those who were in charge of me.  i was ridiculed or humiliated for getting something wrong, but not taught how to do it right.

there's no way we can do everything 'right' when we haven't been given the examples or information for how to navigate in this world.  please, don't beat yourself up for this.  i'm with blueberry - i care about you.  all we can do is experiment w/ words and behaviors, see where they land, learn from it all.  we're late coming to this game, it's true, but that doesn't make us bad, wrong, or worthless.  you weren't given what you needed to know what you don't know.  it's on them, not you.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Bach, I just want you to know that I care about you.

[Armee]

 

[Bach]

Thank you for the support and encouragement, Blueberry, san, Not Alone and Armee 

I don’t understand why I do things I want to not do,  that I know will make me feel bad either physically or mentally. I feel completely out of control of my life right now, unable to do anything I want to do, unable to stop myself from doing things that I want to not do, unable to find connection, gratitude or presence, slamming myself over and over with drugs that don’t lift me and food that doesn’t feed me. My frustration is a trash can fire and my legs are full of my child self’s compulsion to run away from the inescapable sense of threat.

[sanmagic7]

bach, in my opinion, it's trauma brain that makes us do what we don't want to do.  it can't be explained rationally, but it's been wounded, our minds have been wounded by what went on before and that distorts our thinking processes.  please don't beat yourself up, ok?  keep taking care of you, hang tough (hangin' right beside you on this) and know that i can relate.  we do what we need to do until we don't need to do it anymore.  keep going.  we've got you.  love and hugs