Not Alone: 2022

[Not Alone]

I am printing my journal from 2021. I think that I have a need to have printed versions of my journal here as well as my written journals because my life is so fragmented and compartmentalized. My journals are pieces of the puzzle.

I am not in a good place as we begin 2022. I will try not to do too much reflecting because I am too close to the "my life is meaningless" road.

[Armee]

 

I hope it's OK for me just to say that you've brought a lot of kindness and understanding to me this year. Thank you.  You helped me to not feel alone and so confused in my experiences. Thank you, whoever Not Alone is. 

[Not Alone]

Armee, those kind words brought tears to my eyes. 

[Not Alone]

Moving into a different bedroom is a big deal. It is a statement of the brokenness of our marriage. Our/my bedroom has been a place of relative security and I am loosing that.

It is a big deal! Not being married or ever even being in a partnership, I didn't even realise it as a statement of the brokenness of your and h's marriage, although that makes sense too. But for you to lose your bedroom as a place of relative security is a big deal for you and for your littles. May I do a bit of  towards your h for not allowing you the bigger space unconditionally? When I first read your post, I immediately thought of it being like how I would be pulling the rug out from under my own feet if moved along with all that would entail like reduced working, losing the garden, having to permanently re-home furbabies etc. So I imagine losing your bedroom is a bit like that for you and your littles. A big deal. Even if you won't go under and even although you will in time find a new relative security in the smaller room, but you'll probably have to actually work on that e.g. by getting the new quilt and probably other ways too.

on finding a way forwards with the smaller room, even if not ideal, but still seems the best that you can get out of h for the moment. I wish h would take you and your concerns more seriously and be kinder towards you.

Sending comfort and support 

Blueberry, I appreciate your understanding and your anger on my behalf. I feel angry too. I will have to figure out how to make this work physically (smaller space, smaller bed) and emotionally. I did buy another closet shelf and some pretty storage boxes today.

H keeping our room and me moving to the other room means that most of the disruption falls on me. That fits with him being avoidant. He wants peace at all cost. The distress lands on me. I am feeling very off balance, anxious, sad, disrupted. This is hard for adult me, but the Littles are really upset. In the end, I believe it will bring me more feeling of safety to be in a separate room from H, but this transition is more difficult than I predicted.

[Bach]

Sending lots of care and good thoughts to you for the coming year, Not Alone I'm glad you are here

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Bach. Good to hear from you. Lots of care and warm thoughts to you. 

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I feel a lot of safety in my room and would also be very upset to leave it.  I hope the new space will start to feel safe as soon as possible.  I feel in my heart the avoidant approach you experience from your H and wish I had something that made that pain less. 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Rainy Diary. Tonight will be my second night sleeping in the new room.

I've noticed that my H very quickly has been referring to our former bedroom as "my room."

I still have stuff in our former bedroom. Some of that stuff will stay there. I need to figure out what I want in my new room and what I don't use often and what feels safe to stay in the other bedroom. For example, I moved my old journals into my new room. I am almost certain that my H wouldn't read those, or even open the boxes to see what is inside, but I still feel safer having those in my room.

The sooner I have moved and arranged things, the sooner the Littles and I can begin to settle and to find our place of peace and safety.

Regarding my H deciding to keep the bigger room; there was no consideration (or asking) for how my moving to another room would affect me with my cPTSD and my DID. (A big part of what he avoids. He just keeps waiting for me to be done.)  I also wonder if the decision was passive-aggressive or just unattuned anger on his part. His reasons for wanting the bigger room, that he is only in when sleeping, were pretty weak.

Tonight H asked me if the decision for separate rooms was because of the Littles. H: "Married couples don't separate like that just because they can't meet each others' every need. I wonder if you are controlled by one of the Littles."  Minimized the brokenness of our relationship.  Blamed me. I just said, "I made the decision." Grrrr.

[Armee]

 

I wish he got it.

[Hope67]

Hi Not Alone,
I'm sorry that your H doesn't get it.   

I am hoping that you feel ok in your new bedroom, and that it will become a space where you can really feel comfortable.   

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Thanks, Armee & Hope.

Today in church I cried and cried and cried. Rivers of grief.

At home, I tried to go through more stuff in the room we shared. I ended up just putting some things in boxes and leaving the rest. It is too overwhelming for me right now. I need a workable plan for dealing with this stuff because right now I'm just overwhelmed and spinning my wheels.

[Armee]

Taking a break and feeling the grief are good choices. This is a grief filled moment. I'm glad you were able to let that out in church.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I appreciate you sharing your experience here.  I struggle with my avoidant husband and it helps me to know I am not alone.  I wish I could make it easier for us all.

[Blueberry]

Taking a break and feeling the grief are good choices. This is a grief filled moment. I'm glad you were able to let that out in church.

I am so sad for you that h just does not get it! Also

You're overwhelmed now. I would be too. But I hope within time the smaller room can become a safe space for you. 

[Not Alone]

Armee, Rainy Diary, Blueberry; I am comforted by your kind responses.

Today was better. I had a chiropractor appointment and then ran errands. One of those errands included buying more pretty boxes to store my stuff in my closet. I have put items in the boxes and labeled them. I'm really glad that I spent the money, although they were on sale for a really good price. To have things organized and looking pretty is a big help to my heart and stability.

I emailed my T last night, asking if he had an extra session this week. I saw him today. (I'll see him tomorrow for my regular session.) It was good to get affirmation about how I am responding to my H. Also, his understanding of how distressing this change is to the Littles and myself is comforting.