Not Alone: 2022

[Armee]

That was really so full of good care for you and Littles to get an extra session. 💛

[Not Alone]

Thanks, Armee. I had to get past some negative voices in my head before asking.

[Not Alone]

The quilt that I ordered should arrive today. When I looked at the picture of it while sitting in my new room, I became concerned that the colors will clash with the walls. This is causing me distress for the following reasons.

  The Littles and I have been looking forward to the new quilt, checking online to see when it will arrive.

It is a symbol of ownership the room and of hopefulness that the room will feel like a safe place for me.

  If I have to return the quilt, it is a 45 minute drive to the store. (To ship it back would be too expensive.)

  I would want to choose another quilt. If it is something I order online I will be waiting again.

I tell myself that it is manageable, but inside I feel panic. I'm already feeling overwhelmed. Panic. I hope it arrives before I have to leave for my therapy session.

[Hope67]

Dear Not Alone,
I so hope that the quilt goes well with your room.  What I thought was that maybe if you think it doesn't, for whatever reason, then maybe you could purchase a few cushions or throws of colours that could add vibrancy and blend colours between the walls and the quilt - but maybe that wouldn't work.  I am really hoping that it is a quilt that feels good and looks nice, and that you love. 



Hope 

[Bach]

I hope the quilt is perfect for your new room.  It's a really good thing to have special things in your room that represent it being your safe space.  Having my own room is extremely important to me.  No one is allowed to go in my room, or put anything in it, or take anything out of it without my explicit permission.  I took a room for myself a number of years ago when My Person and I were having a lot of problems, and it turned out to be a very healthy thing for me that helped us get through that time.  I hope you and your Littles can benefit from having your very own space the way that me and mine do. 

[Not Alone]

Hope & Bach, thank you for what you shared. 

The quilt came. It works. I like it.

The fear of it not matching sent me spiraling into a triggered state (EF). I think I'm still there to be honest. Quilt just arrived. I leave for T in 20 minutes. I'm thankful it arrived when it did, so I'm not carrying the "what if. . ." into session.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I am thinking of you as you continue to settle in. 

[Armee]

 

I'm so happy it works for the room and that you are finding ways to make this your new beautiful retreat.

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
I hope that your session with your T was ok.  I'm glad the quilt arrived, and that you like it, and that it works.  That is lovely, and I hope you enjoy using it.

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Rainy Diary, Armee, Hope, and All. That you care about my little space and that it is important to me, helps me to feel cared for and less alone. 

My therapist helped me to see that the conversations with my H and moving from my safe bedroom into another room are very huge. My functioning and coping have been limited. Then all the "shoulds" show up. "I should be able to. . ." I told him about moving a few things into the bathroom. That was all I could do that day. He said that was a lot to do with everything else that I'm mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually holding. T said that my body's frozenness is inviting tenderness and compassion.

I ran some errands today, although I couldn't find most of what I was looking for. I'm back in my room now and feeling somewhat overwhelmed. There are many things that I need/want to do. I'm going to pay attention to the fear, feeling overwhelmed, and a bit frozen and try to honor myself and all that I am carrying. Part of that is writing here. I might read. I want to journal. Breathing (I have to consciously think about it). I might read from my journal what my T said to me to chase away the "shoulds" or at least keep them at a distance. 

[Armee]

Oh gosh. Not Alone. It makes me feel so so sad and heartbroken that you are  thinking you should be able to do more than you are right now. My heart just breaks as you are going through reliving these different pieces of such difficult moments on top of grappling with a marriage that has no life in it. You deserve nothing but kindness and patience and awe.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I appreciate all you are doing.  I hope you find some ease. 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, dear friends.

My H and son brought a chair from our living room into my room. It makes everything even tighter, but it is better than always sitting on my bed. That is not great for my back. Also feel less like I'm in a dorm room. 

The door doesn't close properly. The latch is so bad that the cat was able to push her way in the other night.  I looked at it and am going to try something tomorrow to see if I can get it to latch better. One of my Littles feels very distressed that the door doesn't always stay closed.

My H is trying. I want to honor his efforts. I'm also being very cautious and guarding my heart.

[Blueberry]

'Should' is almost never good for me and I doubt it's much good for you in the present circumstances, notalone. I'm sending comfort, kindness, and the feeling of protection for your heart and for your Littles. 

[Armee]

 

I can understand why the door not latching makes you and Littles feel insecure and unsafe and hope that can be fixed soon.