Not Alone: 2022

[Not Alone]

I feel guilty for writing since I'm unable to read and respond very much lately.

I'm triggered right now. I know I'm triggered. I know mostly what it is about. Knowing the reasons might be keeping me from spiraling, but the feelings and thoughts are still there. I want to cry and/or scream. I'll probably t.v. and food binge. What else is new?

[Armee]

Sending big but gentle hugs to you triggered parts. You've been through a lot, Not Alone. Being triggered is expected from time to time. Lots of gentleness and acceptance is deserved.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Armee.

I'm okay today but the trigger is still on the fringes. It is something that I need to make a decision about so that adds to the situation.

[Bach]

It's so hard, Not Alone.  Thinking of you 

[sanmagic7]

we're with you thru this, notalone.  hang tough, or as tough as possible, ok?  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

triggers do happen, but we're here for you as it happens. gentle hugs if you want them.

[Hope67]

Dear Not Alone,
Making decisions can be really had, so wishing you whatever you need to enable you to do that.  Whatever happens, we're here for you, and I'm sending you a heartfelt and supportive hug - for whichever parts would value it 

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Thank you Bach, San, Sage, & Hope. Your support means a lot. I did phone someone to get more information. I also know now that I have some time to make the decision. It's not a big decision, it just hooks into stuff. It helps to have time. My therapist is out of town this week, so I will be able to process with him next week. It feels pretty far away from me right now, but I do need to come back to it and decide what to do at some point.

[sanmagic7]

sending love and a hug filled with just the right amount of time you need.

[Not Alone]

Thanks, San. 

[Not Alone]

I've known for some time now that my H is AVOIDANT. I've also known that he isn't just a little avoidant, he's very avoidant. Today something happened that was------Wow! I don't want to write the details; I'm not sure if I'm protecting him or being respectful of him. Usually his avoidance affects me personally. In the incident today, I wasn't the one directly involved. The degree to which he deflected onto others, did not take any ownership of the situation, questioned facts and went the direction of conspiracy and had a complete lack of expression of concern for the person who is hurt by this event was shocking. Even though I knew he was seriously avoidant, when I think about the details of his response to this event, I am just shocked.

[Not Alone]

        Deep, Dark Canyon

I'm sitting on the edge of a canyon
Not a beautiful place where people vacation
But an ugly, scarred trench
The sides are covered with green and blue goo
To some it might look pretty, but it is ugly, toxic waste

I'm sitting on the edge of a canyon
It is so deep that I cannot see the bottom
The void of the canon fills me with:
     aloneness   
     disdain
     sadness          
     disgust
     anger      
     abandonment
     hurt      
     betrayal

Most don't see the existence, depth or danger of the canyon
Some know and try to understand
A few see the canyon fairly clearly
There is one who is sitting on the edge, next to me
He knows the deep pain and anger the canyon causes me
He stays with me
He is Jesus

I'm sitting by a canyon, whose floor is beyond eyesight
Even though I don't see him,
There might be a very alone little boy at the bottom
That possibility helps me to have brief moments of kindness & patience

I'm sitting by a canyon whose name is
      My Marriage
      My Husband
      Extreme Avoidance

[Armee]

 

I really felt that ledge with you reading what you wrote.

It's unfair that you are stuck in this marriage. I wish you could fly away guilt free, protected, and accompanied by Jesus to a pretty, safe meadow instead.

Your H sounds like maybe his pathology stretches beyond being avoidant? Seeing someone treat someone else the way they treat us can be very eye opening. It's not just you, Not Alone.

[Not Alone]

Armee, thank you for your reply. It means a lot. I have moments of being in safe places with Jesus. I'm thankful for those times and carry those special times with me.

Your H sounds like maybe his pathology stretches beyond being avoidant? Seeing someone treat someone else the way they treat us can be very eye opening. It's not just you, Not Alone.

I'm not sure if his pathology goes beyond avoidant. I'm learning more about avoidant, even though not easily seen by others, the harm caused is significant. I've mostly known it isn't just me, but when I'm the one who is usually blamed and hurt, it can be hard to know that. Seeing his avoidant behaviors/statements and lack of expression of feeling in the recent incident, not involving me, really pointed out how dysfunctional he is. The degree is almost scary.

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you as you contemplate and explore the canyon and perspective you are gaining.