Not Alone: 2022

[sanmagic7]

notalone, you deserve nothing less than support and kindness - and that statement about how you 'perceived' his words is neither of those.  crazy-making, indeed!  i am so sick of people not being accountable for their words and deeds, and i'm sorry you're having to go thru this.  i don't trust him, don't like the idea that he wanted to speak to your kids w/o you - it seems to me it should've been a team effort.  no wonder you're feeling confused.  it's a confusing situation.  keep taking care of you as best you can - sometimes doing the minimum is our best, and that's not a bad thing.  sending love and a hug filled w/ strength and clarity.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs if you want them! I have to admit, "telling" you how you perceive something sounds like gaslighting to me. The talking to the kids thing is a red flag for me also. I hope you can get through this with minimal upset.  We're here for you.

[Armee]

Oh what he is doing is making me shake with anger. There is a reason to speak with your adult children alone and it is to control and gaslight you. You have every right to speak to them too obviously. He wants to come out on top on this so he needs to control the narrative. Please speak to your kids too, ok?

I think it's really positive to start a wish list and to be proactively applying for new jobs. You CAN do this. 

And count us among your friends who support and empathize with you and who see exactly what your husband is doing. Your right. It's really hard to deal with CPTSD and someone with a PD at the same time. But in some ways we are better equipped, too. Just hang on and trust yourself.

[Hope67]

Hi Not Alone,
I was thinking about you just now, and wanted to come over and say 'Hi' and offer you a hug 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Oh what he is doing is making me shake with anger. There is a reason to speak with your adult children alone and it is to control and gaslight you. You have every right to speak to them too obviously. He wants to come out on top on this so he needs to control the narrative. Please speak to your kids too, ok?

I think it's really positive to start a wish list and to be proactively applying for new jobs. You CAN do this. 

And count us among your friends who support and empathize with you and who see exactly what your husband is doing. Your right. It's really hard to deal with CPTSD and someone with a PD at the same time. But in some ways we are better equipped, too. Just hang on and trust yourself.

(Sorry Armee I don't have the wherewithal to write my own response atm but I agree with yours)

Notalone, I've finally read your post from Sept. 2nd. I'm so sorry about how your H is behaving and agree with everybody else that it's crazy-making. You don't deserve that!   

[sanmagic7]

thinking of you, notalone.  hope you're ok. 

[Not Alone]

It has been over a month since I've been on OOTS. I just reread your kind responses. I am so thankful for your support.

I've been off of work for a bit and have had the opportunity to take a couple of trips; one via airplane and the other by car. Both trips involved time with friends. Travel always includes triggers, but they were manageable. The time with my friends and in nature was precious.

H drove me to the airport. On the way he talked about divorce.  He hasn't mentioned it since then (2 1/2 weeks). He says that we won't divorce unless we both agree. I think that is a mixture of kindness and of his unwillingness to take responsibility. I don't trust that statement. He might mean it now, but he seems set on divorce. His ambivalence is confusing and stressful. I feel like I have a guillotine hanging over my neck.

Thinking of all of you with warmth and tenderness. 

[Armee]

Sending you safe hugs and big stuffed animals to squeeze. 

I have strong negative feelings toward your husband.

[Blueberry]

It's good to see you back Not Alone 

[Hope67]

I am also very glad to see you back Not Alone 

Hope 

[CactusFlower]

  We're here for you, Notalone.

[Bach]

Thinking of you, Not Alone, and sending you all the safe hugs and good wishes 

[sanmagic7]

i echo everyone's sentiments, notalone.  i wouldn't trust his statement, either.  the word 'cowardice' came to mind (hope that's not too harsh).  i've just heard those kinds of statements so many times . . .sending you love and a hug full of clarity and self-trust.

[rainydiary]

I resonate with living with lack of clarity.  I hope things become clearer soon. 

[Not Alone]

Armee, Hug back to you. I do continue to hold my bear at night. I appreciate your sentiment because sometimes the "I shouldn't. . ." creeps in. I smiled when I read "I have strong negative feelings toward your husband." I felt your care and protection in that statement. Thank you.

Blueberry, thank you. I miss you when I'm not able to be on OOTS as much as I was in the past.

Hope, Thank you. It is good to catch up, at least a little.

CactusFlower, I am grateful for your support. It really does help me.

Bach, Hugs back to you.

San, I don't think "cowardice" is too harsh. His lack of taking responsibility continues to put burden onto me. I appreciate your love and hug filled with clarity and self-trust. I need that and pray for that and seek counsel as dealing with AVPD can be very crazy-making.

RainyDiary, I know that you understand, unfortunately because of facing similar dynamics in your marriage. Your support means a great deal.



The job that I will be seeking, generally has openings in the spring/summer. In some ways that takes pressure off of me. It gives me time to prepare.

I've been connecting with people at work, who have been very helpful in showing me different aspects of the job that I will be seeking. It is a job that I have done before, but a long time ago. The language, acronyms (so many!), and technology has changed a great deal since then.

The staff in the position that I will be seeking has a meeting once a week. I asked my supervisor if it would be helpful if I attended those meetings. She said yes. It seems a simple thing, but with cPTSD it is filled with  . I had attended another meeting with that staff. I felt like an imposter and strong feelings of "you don't belong." I was not getting a hint of that from anyone, but those feelings were really strong. At that particular meeting, I understood what was being talked about. In hearing other conversations, I don't understand and then I feel really overwhelmed and incapable. The good news is that my supervisor encouraged me to attend the meetings and did not say she thought that I was nuts to be looking at the possibility of that position in the future.

When I work on my resume, I often feel overwhelmed to the point of triggered. It brings out my fears and insecurities. Today my goal was to spend two hours working on my resume. I wanted to focus on each little bit of my task at hand and not start thinking about interviews, etc. I did work the whole two hours. I managed to mostly stay focused and not worry about things further into the future. I got one little part done. Now my task is to say. " for sticking to it for two hours and getting that done, and not  'Is that all you did in two hours?' "

I'm really feeling resentful of my husband for putting me in this position. To add to  , he would deny that I need to get a new job. I have to live in the real world with bills and responsibilities. Earlier this week, I was doing a Jesus journaling (writing my thoughts and feelings and writing what I thought he might be saying to me). I wrote about the resentment. He pointed out to me that underneath the resentment is a lot of hurt that the depth and injury from my trauma has not been seen, believed or cared for by my husband.