Not Alone: 2022

[Not Alone]

My attempt to fix the door failed. The Little immediately panicked. I'm not near the cliff, but I am shaken. I am going to the store to find a hook for the door. Maybe that will work. I'm meeting a friend for lunch so maybe that will help too.

[Blueberry]

 

[Not Alone]

Hugging you back, Blueberry.

I attached a hook to the door. It still opens a crack. I'm not sure if it is enough for the Little to feel safe. She probably needs time and maybe to talk to T.

The door issue is stirring up something that happened in my early 20s. I was living in a small studio apartment, basically one room. It was the middle of the night. Someone knocked on the door and awoke me from my sleep. I ignored the knocking, but the person persisted. He said he had my key. I said to put it under the door. Then I hear the key in the knob and my door open. I had a chain lock on, so the person couldn't open the door further (although it would have been fairly easy to break). He put the key into the room and shut the door. Throughout this I was too terrified to move and call the police. The next day I saw that I still had my key. The key that he found was the landlord's key. I feel the terror of that now.

When I moved into the apartment, it only had the lock on the door knob. I had a friend install the chain lock.

[Armee]

Maybe it is worth paying a locksmith or handy(man)person to come out this weekend and get the latch and a look I working order? Know that it will be done and done right?

[Not Alone]

Armee, I appreciate that suggestion. The handyman did look at it and "fix" it some time ago. I think that some major work would need to be done because for some reason the whole door is a bit off kilter. Hopefully the hook that I installed will be enough to help the Little feel safe. I'll give it time. If that doesn't work, I will look at plan C.

I'm feeling pretty anxious tonight. It has been a really hard three weeks with the stuff with my husband and the disruption of switching rooms. It is all a lot, with layer upon layer of feelings, significance and triggers. I took a couple of xanax to try to help bring calm to myself. So far those don't seem to be helping. I should have taken note of what time I took the meds. I'm trying to remember to breathe. Also am watching tv. I'm reminding myself that this has all been a really big deal and my struggles are reasonable. Maybe I should read my journal notes and remind myself of what my T said.

[Armee]

It is reasonable. Very reasonable. You are safe. Even though you don't feel safe. That's reasonable too, especially considering the flashback and triggers you've just had. You will adjust. This won't last forever. Things have always been more shortlived for me when I just accept. Accept I am terrified even though I "shouldnt" be. Accept I am dissociated etc. The episodes pass quicker with less damage. I hope the Xanax kick in enough that you can feel less terrified. 

[sanmagic7]

i agree with armee - it all sounds reasonable to me, too.  hopefully you'll get to settle down and settle in sooner rather than later.  it truly has been a lot.  i know it would have had me reaching for the xanax as well.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Even without that door memory from your 20's, there's been a lot going on so it's reasonable you're feeling as you are. As for that thing in your thing in your 20's,  I'm sorry it was triggered. It is past, it is over, even tho it might not feel like it.  I hope you can feel a bunch of support from OOTS.

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,

Yes, I want to add to that bunch of support here at OOTS    I also relate very much to the wish to have security in your bedroom, and any other room where you feel you require safety. 

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Armee, San, Blueberry, & Hope; hearing your voices and support means a lot. I woke up this morning feeling depressed. I was able to get out of bed by making the goal to skip the shower and just get dressed. I did that. H has asked me out for lunch. I don't feel like doing anything, but I do want to respect his efforts.

I'm back to work on Monday and I am also feeling the weight of that.

[Not Alone]

I'm doing better. Lunch with H was fine. We had casual conversation. Sometimes there's no conversation, so that was good. Afterward we went grocery shopping. That is something that is often overwhelming to me. Now I feel more ready for going back to work on Monday, so that lifts some of that heaviness.

[Blueberry]

 

[Not Alone]

Back to you, Blueberry. 

I am back to work tomorrow after a break. I am feeling the "Sunday Scaries," probably more strongly since I've been away from work for awhile. Ugh.

My H has been reaching out, asking how I am, checking back with me. I don't want to be mean or cold to him. I also want to be wise and I need to protect my heart. Previously I have experienced him "trying." It lasts for awhile but then he goes back to being very distant. Sometimes he allows his anger and the truth about what he feels comes out. I also am a bit mad. Really? After 26 years you are going to try now? Now, after I have come to realize and (mostly) accept that our relationship lies in a grave of shallowness, now you are going to be attuned to me? His reaching out feels like his disfunctional relating, not a real change. Not something I can trust. As my T says, "His resume is of more avoidant behavior than attached behavior." Husband would need to work to change consistantly and over time.

[sanmagic7]

notalone, i feel for you with this relationship stuff.  realizations about what is true, what is going to stick, and what is a pattern can be difficult to differentiate at times.  know that you are cared about.  love and hugs

[Armee]

While I am glad H is not silently ignoring this huge shift in your living arrangement and the reflection of the marriage that holds up...yeah small talk isn't what is needed. You need him to be there for and WITH you AS a fellow human and a spouse, not a robot... all the time, not just when his peace and image of his life is threatened. Grr.

Keep yourself and your needs as your guiding light right now. What you need matters.