Not Alone: 2022

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs, notalone. Hope you have a better experience with doctors from now on. Not listening is not acceptable.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Bach and CactusFlower. I appreciate your kindness and understanding.

There are patient rights which includes the right to refuse tests, etc. Sad that this doctor is only willing to see those who jump through her hoops. The whole experience was triggering. At lease the appointment was only a conversation and not a physical exam. That would have been even more vulnerable and upsetting. I do have many people in my life who to respect me and who have compassion.

[Not Alone]

I had a pretty good day today. My H was gone for several hours which gave me some emotional freedom. I was able to get some things done, which I feared would be overwhelming. One task started feeling overwhelming and I prayed and did one step at a time. I even had the cognitive energy to listen to an online teaching that I've been wanting to listen to.

With so much being difficult, I'm grateful for a day of peaceful accomplishment.

[Armee]

That's wonderful Not Alone. And I anticipate many more peaceful days for you in the future. I can feel you able to breathe and lifting those rocks off yourself.

[rainydiary]

I'm glad for your day. 

[Hope67]

Hi Not Alone,
Sending you a hug, and thinking of you and your littles.  I hope today is a kind one to you.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

so very glad for you, notalone, that you found a few hours of emotional peace.  that can definitely be the most difficult thing to do at times.  hoping for many more of those hours in the future for you.  love and a hug full of calm and comfort

[Not Alone]

Armee, Rainy, Hope, San, Thank you for your acknowledgement and kindness. With my Avoidant husband, even good things get turned upside down, so your words are meaningful to me.

Today I cleaned the bathrooms. Washed the floors. H stepped on the floor with his shoes on. It set me off. It's not just his lack of awareness and inconsideration, it's 27 years of not feeling respected or seen or heard. I prayed/journaled then reread an article about Avoidant Personality Disorder. I'm not crazy and the wounds of living with someone AVPD are deep and real. I have calmed down some. I'm staying in my small bedroom. Resentful of that too. Just being in the same house with him is really stressful to me. Nothing is said, but I feel the tension.

From the time that H stepped on the wet floor to the time that I prayed/journaled, I received encouraging texts from four friends. I am so thankful for the many who support me, including those of you here.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, notalone. Definitely here for you. I empathize with having to be in a home with someone and the resulting increased tension. Wishing you peace.

[Not Alone]

  Thank you.

[rainydiary]

NotAlone, that would have set me off too.  For me in those moments it is so puzzling and baffling and hurtful and painful as to why others do some of the things they do.  I hope that you continue to find space for yourself as you navigate this tricky time.

[sanmagic7]

i echo rainy, notalone.  plus, i empathize with having to live in the same place as someone who cares not.  it's awful and all too real.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Rainy and San.

I feel a little lost today. I got things done that were on my "to do" list. I think it's the feeling of disconnection. It's not just that I'm alone, I'm alone with H home. I have no desire or attempts at communication with him anymore, but I still feel the emptiness. I wonder what it will feel like when I am living somewhere by myself?

[Not Alone]

Tough day today. I got some food prep done for tomorrow. Most of the afternoon I laid in bed, listening to Christmas music, in and out of sleep. It was almost like I was in a grief-semi-coma. I did make myself go for a short walk. It's freezing outside, but I thought some fresh air and movement would be good. I also managed to go to church tonight. I still feel really down. My world is unraveling. Grief.

[Armee]

 

Grief. 

Sitting here with you. Holding your hand gently.

Grief is very called for right now. Some of your world IS unraveling. After the  unraveling it will take a different shape. Some of the new shape might still leave you grieving and some of the new shape you might love.

I can imagine right now the grief is profound on this important holiday  when all your traditions have been lost and haven't taken their new shape yet, and while you are alone in your room. While you are knee deep...neck deep...in grief we are all sitting here with you. When I was little and my sister would be in trouble and sent to her room I would pass her notes under the door to keep her company. Here's my note under the door to you:

Merry Christmas. You are loved. You are not alone. You will be free soon, to live your life full of love, out in the open of your own space, and not imprisoned by someone's silence. Hang in there. I love you. Merry Christmas.