Not Alone: 2022

[Not Alone]

Thanks, Rainy, Armee & CactusFlower.

I really lost it with my H on Monday morning. It was really bad. Somehow made it through work, but it was very hard. It took me at least the entire day to get regulated.

[Armee]

I'm sorry he did that to you...whatever triggered it, he deserved it. 

Wishing you calming loving thoughts toward yourself as you resettle.

[Hope67]

Hi Not Alone,
to you, and so sorry to hear about the horrible start to your week with the incident with your H.  Well done for getting through the work situation, and hope the feelings of regulation have stayed with you, as you mentioned that you took the day to get regulated, but I think it's great that you did that.  Got regulated.  Well done.  I think it's a hard thing to do.
I am also seconding Armee's wish for calming loving thoughts to come your way, and I am also sending you some of those too.   
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Armee & Hope, thank you for your supportive words and for your hugs. Back to you. 

The realtor that I met with called me tonight. He knows an attorney who will meet with me at no cost, to help me to know what my rights are.

I told my T that it felt like I was fighting for my survival. I said that to a coworker today. She said, "You are." That was affirming. That's how this divorce process feels, like I'm fighting for my survival. That's how big all this feels.

I asked my T, "Am I going to make it through this?" He said that I will. I've made it through worse. I need to hear that though, that I'll make it through this. Sometimes it doesn't seem that I will.

[Armee]

Your coworker knew just what to say. I agree. It is a fight for survival. You will survive it, I have no doubt at all. But it will take fighting for yourself and your right to live and be free. 

I'll just repeat. You WILL survive this. The process and the grieving is pure pain and fear, just like processing trauma. But on the other side there is a good life waiting for you, one you probably can't even imagine right now.

[Not Alone]

Armee, I really needed to hear those words. Thank you.

My H said he knew that his Avoidance really affected me and that he took responsibility for that.

I texted our financial adviser/investor, trying to get clarification on what money was inherited from my father. His answer was not helpful. Maybe my question wasn't clear, as I don't understand financial issues. At any rate, it feels like he is for H. I had faxed a company for information. I should have received that three days ago, but I haven't received anything.

I woke up late this morning, took a shower, and went back to bed and slept for several hours. I've been sick for two weeks (the illness circulating at work) and also I'm feeling overwhelmed and like I am not going to make it. The future new job, the divorce finances, finding a place to live and moving; it is all way too much.

I called the attorney, who said he would meet with me, but haven't heard back yet.

I managed to fill out most of the paper work for the divorce mediator. There is still some left. I feel so ignorant and incompetent in those areas.

I made myself go for a short walk this afternoon. Temperature is above freezing and the sun is out.

I need to do my laundry. Even that feels too hard right now. Ugh. I am house and cat sitting for a friend next week. I need to pack what I need.

I'm going to push myself to do my prayer journaling. Everything feels too hard right now, but connection with Jesus will be a good thing for me.

[Not Alone]

I'm getting through each step of the day. I feel grief. I am overwhelmed and fearful. It is very hard to trudge through life.

[Armee]

I'm so sorry. 

[rainydiary]

I am here with you if that is welcome.

[Blueberry]

  I know what it's like when even laundry feels too hard to do.

I'm sorry everything is so hard rn. I believe you will get through it.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Armee, Rainy & Blueberry.

I started writing about work, but without details, it doesn't make sense. Bottom line, possibly another loss. More of feeling like what I care about and have spent time on is being thrown away. It's not a straight-forward work thing. It is all tied in to loss, loss, loss, loss, loss. I'm up in the middle of the night over it.

[rainydiary]

I resonate with the experience of loss.  I hope that you find some moments of ease. 

[Armee]

 

It piles on sometimes, doesn't it? Sitting here with you in your loss and grief.

[Hope67]

Hi Not Alone,
Loss is pervasive and when it reaches out in the middle of the night, it's tough - I relate to what you said. 
Really hope that you are able to get a better night of sleep tonight. 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Rainy, Armee, Hope, I appreciate your understanding about loss.

I feel depressed right now. I'm deciding if I will skip church and curl up and go to bed. Church is probably the healthy choice, but I'm also in a bit of "I don't care what is healthy" state.

H is going out to lunch with D and BIL. More loss. More being left out.

H has asked an assessor to look at the house. So now I need to clean the house on top of everything else.

So today I need to:
  Clean the house.
  Grocery shop.
  Fill out financial paper work for divorce mediator.
  Laundry.
  Keep working on self-training about technology for new job position that I will have in July.

All with the weight of loss and rejection on top of me.