Not Alone: 2022

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Rainy.

[Armee]

 

You'll find some ways to make the Littles feel safe in a new temporary place by bringing some comfortable reminders of safety. Of course they'll be triggered and also you'll have your own place where you can decorate however the littles need to feel safest while you grieve and transition. It is going to be terrible but I know you've got this as hard as it will be.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could take away the pain and the scary-ness.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Armee. There was a time, many years ago, when someone had obtained a key to my apartment and opened the door at 3 a.m. The chain on the door stopped him from fully entering. The Littles are terrified.

Discussion with H today. I'm so upset, so angry. I was shaking after the interaction. I took xanax and left the house. Called a friend and went to her house for awhile. I'm back home now; another xanax, in my small room. Too upset to do anything productive. Cat on my lap is a comfort.

This has got to end soon. I can't keep on like this.

[Blueberry]

I'm so sorry that H is treating you so badly. I have experienced similar reactions to yours in communication with various FOO mbrs and other people too so I understand. I'm glad you have a comforting cat, furbabies are so great.    that you arranged to go over to a friend's for a while.

Sending you tons of good vibes from here on OOTS because I bet there's little bits of it tucked away in odd corners and the more we use it the more it expands anyway

[sanmagic7]

i think you showed great self-care, notalone.  so very angry about H and everything you're having to go thru.  we're here with you while you're going thru all of it.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Thank you Blueberry and San. 

H said he wants to talk again today. I haven't approached him. Yesterday was so awful; I dread any more conversation. I am on such high alert inside.

I spent the morning looking at a place to rent. It's a long story, but bottom line, I found out that it is a scam. The apartment is for rent, but for a higher price from the real landlords. I am really grateful that I found out the truth. I feel like God protected me.

Now that I've decided that I need to rent, I'm having a hard time packing. What do I pack away for a year? What will I need? I'm getting rid of some things too. Just put all my skinny clothes in the "give away" bag. 

There is too much for me to figure out. I end up doing little, because I get so overwhelmed. (Go through one box. Do one section of my class. Etc.)

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I am thinking of you. 

[Not Alone]

Thanks, Rainy.

It took a lot for me to get myself to church today. When I got home I took a couple of pills and slept all day. Trying to ignore the "shoulds." I don't know how to get through this.

[Mandox]

Not Alone, thank you for welcoming me to oots, and for your advice.  It seems you are going through some big upheavals and difficult times.  I can feel the pulls between needing to be strong and responsible while feeling so weak and frightened.  I'm sure you are being very brave and doing your absolute best to go forward and get through these challenges.  Your instincts are in the end a good indicator of what you may need, so have faith in them.  Sending you thoughts of courage during your journey.

[Armee]

  Not Alone 

What you're going through is so hard and unsettling. I still agree with San that yes, you are handling this with grace and strength.

I have no doubt your conversations with H have been massively difficult for you and Littles. I'm sending so much love to  all of you. 

[Hope67]

Hi Not Alone,
I am also sending you love and care at this time, and thinking of you as you negotiate this time in your life.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, notalone, it sounds like you are getting thru this even when you don't know how.  church, meds, sleep were probably exactly what you needed at that time.  sometimes it's a huge deal just to get from one day to the next, and you are doing that.  i celebrate that for you.  sending love and a hug filled w/ 'no shoulds' spray. 

[Bach]

Hi, Not Alone.  I just wanted to let you know that I read and I'm thinking of you 

[Not Alone]

Mandox, Armee, Hope, San, & Bach, your words were an encouragement to me. Thank you.

Yesterday was a really tough day. I did have many people who were very supportive via phone calls and texts messages. For that I am very grateful.

I looked at a condo for rent with a realtor. It was in good condition, but it was so small. I would not even be able to fit my bedroom furniture in the bedroom. No room for even a small table. I felt like a mouse in a box. It also would be pretty far from family and friends. The commute to work would be okay.

I cried all the way home. Besides the small size of the condo, as I was standing in it, I was really hit by my aloneness. Big time.

I don't know if I've mentioned that friends are moving into a large home. They have invited me to rent a bedroom. It is an option. Right now I don't want to go into all the pros and cons. It would be my friend and her husband and his parents living there.

I saw my T yesterday. He encouraged me to talk to mediator & husband about me keeping (buying) the house we live in. From the start of H saying he wanted a divorce, he has said he wants the house. My therapist said he's had many people say to him, "I wish I had. . . " With his help, I wrote a letter to H asking him to consider selling me the house. His initial response was that he didn't want to move. He also said he wants to be by our son, who lives at the house. There's a whole lot that I could say about both of those things, but for now I'll just leave it there. He did say he would think about it. I can't imagine him changing his mind.

I woke up very early this morning, really still night time. Couldn't go back to sleep. The stress that I feel is so big. I haven't even gotten out of bed, other than to grab my computer, and I want to take a xanax to ease some of the pressure.

The things that I need to do today:
- spend some time on the class I'm taking for work
- visit the house that my friends are buying, who invited me to rent a room
- spend some time doing something with my son
- small group Bible study tonight

I'm not going to add the "shoulds."

What can I do to help myself through this day? I cleaned my room the other day and that helps me. If I need the help of meds, use those without guilt. Read a book. Really hard not to allow the "shoulds" to crowd into my mind and heart.

There's a storm so I better hit "post" in case we lose electricity.

[Not Alone]

I haven't even finished my cup of coffee and have had to take a xanax this morning. H mostly said no to  the house, but he's still thinking about it. Then he came in and hugged me and said he understood stress and we'd work something out. Based on past experience, those are empty words. He also has NO idea nor does he acknowledge/accept/ care about the added factor that I have cPTSD.

I am so weary, beaten down, shaky. I am way past my capacity to cope with all of this.