Not Alone: 2022

[Armee]

Your Jesus Journaling sounds really helpful and I think that's true...that under the resentment is hurt and probably a whole lot of it. I'm sorry you husband is not capable of being there for you, and that on top of that he can't even admit reality that he is forcing you to take on more responsibility instead of focusing on healing. Ugh. Argh. I'm not supposed to say the types of words I am thinking. Instead I'll just send along a   

I also still sleep with my stuffy, a giant fuzzy pineapple. My daughter shares my secret with everyone on earth because she thinks it's so funny. So I had to kiss the shame and shouldn'ts goodbye. Yes, I sleep with a fluffy pineapple.

[sanmagic7]

i agree w/ armee, notalone, that i don't doubt there's a lot of hurt going on underneath, and a lot of pain because of it.  so very sorry you're going thru this, that your husband is treating you like this.  it's not right, certainly not good for your own mental health and well-being.

i think having the comfort of your stuffie is wonderful. 

and, of course,  for sticking with it for 2 hrs.  every step is an accomplishment to be cheered!  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Armee and San. 

[Not Alone]

I had a dream last night that was a bit disturbing. The memory of it has popped up throughout the day, so I think I will share it here. I can see that many things that have happened in my life in the last month tie into the dream in large and small ways. IRL, my son is an adult and lives at home with us. Overall, the dream is about the possibility of divorce looming over me.

Dream:

My son was a child, maybe about eight years old. We didn't have a place to live. There was a building that we went into. There were two cots so we each laid in one and went to sleep. Then there was a noise, someone coming into the building. I was scared but shouted, "Whose there? Who is it?" I think it was someone who worked there. Then a wall of the building opened up and the other side of the wall was a homeless shelter. None of the homeless people were sleeping. They were all awake, talking. My son came on my cot with me. Then some men came by us. They were drunk and seemed unsafe. My son and I left and were getting away . . .

I don't need a degree in psychology to interpret that dream! It has left me with an ughh feeling.

Thanks for listening.

[Armee]

 

That's really unsettling. You are going to be safe. You and your son will be safe. I know it won't feel safe not with your history but you'll be housed and ok.

[rainydiary]

I hope writing that out allowed some of the tension to ease. 

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
Your dream was transparent in a lot of ways - makes sense as you say in the context of what you have going on at the moment.  Hope that you are able to get some rest, and I wish you the best for today - and send you a supportive hug 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Armee, RainyDiary & Hope, I read your comments and your care and thoughts brought comfort. Thank you.

[Not Alone]

It's been  couple of weeks.

Several months ago, before my H started talking about divorce, he asked me to attend an event in another state. At the time, I told him yes, although even back then, I wondered if that was a poor choice. That event was last weekend. The "highlights":
     *My husband called me at work, insisting that I said I would take 1/2 day off. (I didn't.) That resulted in me in tears at work and needing to take a walk to calm down. The upside of that is that my co-worker was supportive.
     *Five hour drive to state. H brought up "miscommunication." I mentioned what I had said during that week that should have alerted him that we were not on the same page. No ownership, of course.
     *Stayed at a house with six other people, whom I had never met before. Distressing to Littles.
     *Spent all of the next day with someone I had just met. H was participating in the planned activity with his friends. My new "friend" and I were there to cheer them on.
     *By the end of the day I was exhausted. Some of the aspects of the celebration were triggering to me. Those aren't new triggers and were not a surprise. I took a break and went outside. God gifted me with a beautiful sunset.
     *I drove us home.
     *When H had called me at work, he had said this weekend was for us. Since we usually weren't together and then were with a bunch of people, I couldn't fathom how the weekend was for us. On the drive home, I asked him how the weekend was for us and what was he hoping for. He said, "I know you don't like it when I don't talk much (on long drives), how was it for you?" This time I was aware of his avoidant tactic. I said, "That was a question to me. I asked you a question." I repeated the question. His answer was----I'll just say odd.
     *Even though I didn't answer his question, it told me two things: he had no intention AT ALL of working on his lack of communication and it seems he was hoping that I would magically be okay with him not talking to me. I'm also wondering if it was a test; would I be okay with his Avoidant functioning?



Go back to the Friday of that weekend. During my lunch break I looked at my text messages. I have a friend, with whom I've shared quite a bit about my marriage and about my trauma. I had a lengthy text from her about my marriage.

She said the message was out of love. It felt very condemning. I feel attacked and misunderstood. Some time ago I had sent her an article about AVPD (avoidant personality disorder). Based on what she said, I wonder if she ever took the time to read it. If she did, she didn't understand. I talked to my T about the text and another friend. Both advised to keep my response to her short. I have tried to be open to any truth in her message. There is some truth, but her truth seems covered in condemnation instead of understanding. For example, she said that I was angry at my husband, but her tone seemed condemning. To me, of course I'm angry at him. He has hurt me a great deal and continues to hurt and manipulate me with his avoidance. There is a lot more, but I won't go into it all.

She is the person I sit next to at church. I don't even want to go to church tomorrow. At some point today I will decide how I want to respond and will text back.

In her text she seemed concerned about this affecting our relationship. Of course it does! I told her private, vulnerable things and she is judging me. Another betrayal. Sad.

[Blueberry]

 

[Armee]

Anger seems like a perfectly reasonable and self protective emotion to have. It is so scary to be vulnerable with your secrets and then not know if you can trust that person. I hope your friend is reasonable toward you and you find a good way to resolve her insensitive and accusatory text in a way that doesn't feel isolating for you or dangerous for the secrets you've shared with her.

If and when you choose to separate from H it'll be quite painful but I bet you'll be able to breathe and find peace you can't find living with someone so withholding and manipulative.

[Not Alone]

Thanks, Blueberry.  back to you.

Appreciate your understanding, Armee.

I did text my friend and briefly told her how I felt. She texted back and apologized. There may be more conversations to come. I sat somewhere else at church today.

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you Not Alone.  I sometimes notice that my experience brings up feelings in others and they push their discomfort onto me.  I appreciate how you are noticing your needs and adjusting to meet those needs.

[sanmagic7]

i HATE when people test me, hate how it feels, hate the motivation behind it.  sorry about that text - some friendships evolve to a place we're not comfortable w/ anymore.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, notalone. I would have felt betrayed too. Perhaps distance is a good thing at the moment. As for the husband thing, I would find it very difficult to deal with that kind of avoidance and lack of response. Wishing you strength and patience as you work this through, regardless of outcome.