Trigger Warning (S/I)
Tough morning. Woke up with the feelings that I had when I went to bed, discouraged, incompetent, grief. I had to force myself to stand at the sink and apply my makeup. I wanted to curl up in a ball on the floor. I texted two friends. Then I got my computer to get support here. The internet was down. The usual fixes didn't work. It was the last straw. I fell apart. Banging my head. Deep, soul-wrenching sobbing.
I see the correlation between my feelings when the internet was down and when my phone didn't work. I felt cut off from the world and cut off from support. Ties into the aloneness and isolation of abuse.
Also, while I was hitting my head, there were other ways that I wanted to hurt myself. My thought was that I couldn't leave marks that people would see. The abusers actually said that, "Don't leave marks."
I'm doing okay now.
I had lunch with my niece (H's side of the family). I told her quite a bit. She affirmed the avoidance in H's family. I need more time to process my conversation with her, but it seems that her affirmation is significant in similar ways to my Aunt affirming my grandfather's violence. That helped me to believe my memories. Living with a spouse with Avoidant Personality is crazy making. To have affirmation that everyone in his family was avoidant helps to know that it's not just my mind, it is true.