[Not Alone]

Trigger Warning (S/I)




Tough morning. Woke up with the feelings that I had when I went to bed, discouraged, incompetent, grief. I had to force myself to stand at the sink and apply my makeup. I wanted to curl up in a ball on the floor. I texted two friends. Then I got my computer to get support here. The internet was down. The usual fixes didn't work. It was the last straw. I fell apart. Banging my head. Deep, soul-wrenching sobbing.

I see the correlation between my feelings when the internet was down and when my phone didn't work. I felt cut off from the world and cut off from support. Ties into the aloneness and isolation of abuse.

Also, while I was hitting my head, there were other ways that I wanted to hurt myself. My thought was that I couldn't leave marks that people would see. The abusers actually said that, "Don't leave marks."

I'm doing okay now.

I had lunch with my niece (H's side of the family). I told her quite a bit. She affirmed the avoidance in H's family. I need more time to process my conversation with her, but it seems that her affirmation is significant in similar ways to my Aunt affirming my grandfather's violence. That helped me to believe my memories. Living with a spouse with Avoidant Personality is crazy making. To have affirmation that everyone in his family was avoidant helps to know that it's not just my mind, it is true.

[Armee]

 

I'm so sorry you were suffering alone last night and so triggered into needing to hurt yourself. Please don't feel ashamed of that. I'm so sorry even that was triggering back to things the abusers said. You want to get them off you you want them to stop. I believe this is why I got such strong SH impulses at times. It isn't you you want to hurt. It's them. You want to save yourself.  It gets so overwhelming at times.

I'm sorry the divorce lawyers are acting like vultures. Find one you trust and turn it over to them. Then you can just throw the stuff that comes in the mail away without a second thought.

Even when you aren't able to get on a computer, we are still here and we are still with you. Anytime you need it...I'm a real person. I'm a mom. I care about you...you can imagine my arm around you anytime you need comforting. It's real.

[Snowdrop]

I relate to the "don't leave marks". I get how triggering things are right now.

I don't know if this is relevant or helpful, Not Alone, but I remember you posting here when T told you H was avoidant. I'm glad your niece gave you affirmation about the rest of the family.

I'm glad you're doing better now. There with you, sending support and care regardless of internet.

[Blueberry]

  for you notalone

[Not Alone]

I have a cold. I have a tough week ahead of me. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I have somewhere I need to be after work. On Wednesday I have a similar work responsibility to what I did on Friday, that left me feeling incompetent. I don't want to be negative, but I'm expecting a challenging week. Being sick will add to the challenges.

Even when you aren't able to get on a computer, we are still here and we are still with you. Anytime you need it...I'm a real person. I'm a mom. I care about you...you can imagine my arm around you anytime you need comforting. It's real.

Armee, I feel your care. Having the support of you and others at OOTS has helped me so much over the years.

Snowdrop, I appreciate your understanding.

Blueberry,  to you too.

Another thing that my niece told me was that my H's father drank a lot. That must have stopped before I was in the family, because I did not witness that. My H kept saying to me, "You don't tell me anything [about my trauma]." First of all, that is not true, at all. At all!!!!! And now I find out that his dad drank a lot. In 27 years, he never told me that. I feel so angry and empty.

[Blueberry]

You've got a lot of difficult stuff coming at you. Standing with you through your difficult week and also hoping there are a few breaths of fresh air / spots of sunshine literally and figuratively to help you through it. 

[Armee]

 

[Hope67]

Dear Not Alone,
I know that this week is a tough one, with many challenging things within it, and I'm so sorry to hear you've got a cold on top of all of that, but I wish you the best to negotiate your way through it, and I wish you a speedy recovery from your cold - hope you have some cold remedies or maybe lemon and honey to help soothe your throat and sending you a gentle and supportive hug too, if that's ok. 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Thank you Blueberry, Armee and Hope. 

I took a sick day today. Glad I did. Mostly resting. I'll meet with my spiritual mentor this afternoon. Since I'm not working I'll have an earlier appointment. Even when I feel fine, getting home in the evening is tiring.

My H not telling me about his dad's drinking is really upsetting me. I know he minimizes things. If he did mention it, he made it a minor thing. I would have remembered that. My niece emphasized that he drank a lot. I feel betrayed. All these years of marriage and he didn't tell me that. Twenty-seven years of shallowness and emptiness. There were some good things, but right now that's all I feel. Yes, I feel betrayed.

[CactusFlower]

Resonating with your being upset at not being told relevant and important facts.  Sorry you're dealing with this, dear NotAlone.  Gentle hugs and we're hear for you.

[Armee]

It is a huge betrayal. 

He has work he needs to do for himself that he will probably never ever do.

[Not Alone]

CactusFlower, I'm grateful for your understanding and hugs.
Armee, Thank you for acknowledging the enormity of the betrayal. You are right that he has work to do, but probably will never do his work.

My T heard and understood the betrayal that I feel over my H not telling me about his father's drinking. I am so angry. So hurt. So rejected and betrayed.

I am concerned about work tomorrow.

[Armee]

 

Easier said than done but just show up and do your best tomorrow. It's OK to not know how to do something.

I can imagine a part of the betrayal might be your husband attempting to frame you as the one with issues without owning up to his own. You have every right to feel angry and hurt.

[sanmagic7]

it was a huge betrayal, notalone.  no wonder you're furious.  makes perfect sense - i'm glad for you, even tho it's awful, that you can feel those feelings and put them where they belong.  his avoidance seems to have been a type of abuse, to my mind.  i'm with you.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Armee & San, I want to respond to what each of you wrote, but I can't tonight.

The work situation went fairly well.

I woke up at 5:00 a.m. with a splitting headache and have had it all day. After work I had a 2.5 hour meeting with the divorce mediator. I do feel good about her. I heard "You can't afford to live." I know she didn't say that. There was some reality about numbers and looking at options. She struck me as a "let's look at options and figure out how to make this work" person. So the message is from within me. Old, deep message: I am not worth life.