Rainy Journal 2022

[rainydiary]

A new year and I am ready for a different place to write.

Today started off difficult however I think the conflict was needed for growth.  But it does make me tired. 

I am trying to start the new year off with as many days of including yoga nidra as I can.  In group classes, I have found yoga nidra really unsettling.  Those were before I understood my trauma background.  Now I lie on my recliner and listen to a guided yoga nidra on YouTube. 

I am also considering the words heal and connect for this year. 

I hope to feel more rested tomorrow. 

[Bach]

Sending care and good thoughts for the coming year, Rainy

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,

I like the words 'heal' and 'connect' - they are lovely.  I hope you feel more rested tomorrow.  I think it's good that you're able to do your guided yoga nidra whilst on your recliner, it sounds relaxing.


Hope 

[rainydiary]

Bach, thank you.  I also send you care and gentleness as this year unfolds.
.....
Hope, thank you for this comment and the one on my other journal.  I tried yoga nidra on the floor today and it was not as relaxing.  I think I changed up too many variables and ended up feeling hypervigilant.  I will do what feels right next time which is my recliner.
........
Today was a relatively chill day.

I'm trying to puzzle out a lot but feel a bit more like the self I have been working hard to embrace. 

I was realizing that because I don't have work, I am spending a lot more time around my husband and that may account for some of the increase in angst.  Plus we are preparing to move and that is hard.  Plus I believe he has unacknowledged trauma and I wish he would face it for his own sake. 

But I also have been seeking out ways to complain and be upset with him because he has let me down a lot.  I am not always great at communicating what I need and tend to just say what I think will make him happy.  I've been catching myself when I do that.  But it is really hard as we tend to be codependent.  I have tried to adjust that pattern but I think we've fallen back into it more of late. 

I have been really unsettled by some events in my metro area and have had some reminders that we all experience the world very differently.  The world also treats people very differently depending on a number of things and I am struggling with how systemized oppression is.  I want to stop it and feel powerless to do so.  I am trying to consider that I have my role to play but I always end up feeling like I am not enough. 

[Armee]

 

[rainydiary]

Thanks Armee. 
........

Today is my wedding anniversary.  I notice I take on emotional labor to find ways to mark the day. 

Sometime a bit painful for me is that when I posted on Facebook, two crushes from my past liked the post.  Life is so weird in that we make choices which closes other possibilities. 

Something else painful is I was thinking about the day I met my husband.  I was hurting and approached our meeting with openness.  I enjoyed talking to him and believe I saw his best.  Since then so many things have happened and I tend to focus on his worst and see his problematic family in him.  My attachment challenges  and relational trauma result in me feeling his missteps deeply.  I'm wondering what will happen if I choose to not ignore things that shouldn't be ignored but if I see the good in him. 

I am trying to plan for my business but am also procrastinating.  Some of the procrastination is practical - I can't set up some business things until I have an address in my new state.  A lot of the procrastination is I am really afraid.  I'm afraid I will fail and that no one will want to work with me.  I am afraid of making things too complicated in my desire to be helpful. 

[Armee]

Hi Rainy. Starting your own business IS really scary! It might fail or flounder a bit! That's OK. That's scary, but it is ok your intentions are fantastic and will lead you to a good place. I have no doubt.

It seems important to not ignore things especially if they are about how you are treated. It matters if there is a current of good underneath any difficulties with H.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate your words.  I have thought about doing this for a long time and want to give it an attempt.  I will learn along the way and if it isn't for me that is ok.  I hope to find people I am meant to work with.
........

This week so far has been relatively calm and that unsettles me.  I haven't done any journaling or reading that has brushed against my tender spots.  Sometimes I think it is good to just be - I'm not sure if that is what I am doing or if I am numbing a bit. 

I did let my massage therapist know that next week is my last session with her.  She has been a huge support to me over the past several years and I can't imagine my life without her.  I also don't need massage like I used to and I am curious how massage will be a part of my life moving forward. 

I have done yoga nidra each day of January.  It is odd to practice it each day.  My mind hasn't been able to settle in the way it was when I tried it from time to time before.  I am wondering if it would help me to learn more about yoga nidra so that I have more context for it. 

I used to have such structured bed and wake times and now I don't.  It is sort of stressing me out and I'm not sure why. 

[rainydiary]

I felt really worn down today and am not quite sure why.

I was inspired by Hope and decided to try logging my dreams the best I could.  I had two really intense dreams last night.  My husband and I started watching a movie that really unsettled me last night and it wasn't the best thing to watch before bed as it definitely influenced my dreams.  The details of my dreams feel too much to share but the general theme was lack of safety and boundaries.  I often feel that in dreams I can remember. 

I had trouble falling asleep last night and today during yoga nidra a lot of painful memories came up.  Some of the memories coming up are surprising and not related to my usual thought patterns that I am stuck in.  I haven't really written down or about the things coming up and it might be helpful to do that. 

Today I decided to look into what getting a business license where I currently live would entail.  I plan to offer teletherapy sessions so could potentially continue to work with folks that live in my current state.  I filled out the information the best I could on the application but couldn't bring myself to submit the form. 

Firstly I don't want to spend money that I don't have to.  Next I am deeply afraid of making a mistake on the form.  Thirdly the form mentioned paying taxes and that threw me off.  The site is confusing as I think they combined a lot of stuff into one area and a lot of things won't actually apply to me.  I'll have to look tomorrow and see how much the license actually costs - at worst I spend the money if it isn't too much and report that I made $0 if I end up not getting any clients where I live. 

Today I am a little more on my regular bedtime schedule and I am curious to see if I fall asleep more easily.  I am increasing my running again and hope that will also help with my sleep. 

[rainydiary]

I had another intense dream last night.  I wrote down as much as I could remember.

This one was long and I recognized patterns of some dreams: wandering, searching, seeking answers to questions I have, feeling out of place.  I encountered a random assortment of people from my past. 

When I write down the dreams and consider all the stuff my brain is doing when I am supposed to be resting, it is no wonder I feel so weird when I wake up. 

I am up much earlier today than I have been.  I feel better when I am up early but haven't been strict with myself on when I get up.  I have spent so many years being driven my anxiety to wake up. 

[Not Alone]

Today I decided to look into what getting a business license where I currently live would entail.  I plan to offer teletherapy sessions so could potentially continue to work with folks that live in my current state.  I filled out the information the best I could on the application but couldn't bring myself to submit the form. 

Firstly I don't want to spend money that I don't have to.  Next I am deeply afraid of making a mistake on the form.  Thirdly the form mentioned paying taxes and that threw me off.  The site is confusing as I think they combined a lot of stuff into one area and a lot of things won't actually apply to me.  I'll have to look tomorrow and see how much the license actually costs - at worst I spend the money if it isn't too much and report that I made $0 if I end up not getting any clients where I live. 

Those are big steps. I understand your hesitancy to submit the form. Those issues (taxes, filling out forms correctly) are really difficult and overwhelming to me. You'll get there; step by step.

I'm sorry you are having intense dreams. That is so wearing.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, yes I get so overwhelmed by complex and lengthy language.  I have updates to share below about all of this.  I appreciate the validation about the dreams - I don't think I have previously really acknowledged the toll my dreams take on me.  I'm not sure how long I will track my dreams but right now it is interesting.  Thank you for your support and encouragement.
........

I am in a heightened state.  Today I took some solid steps toward creating my business. 

The reality is that my husband and I will be in our current area until we sort out the new cars we bought for tax purposes.  License plates and registration is taking so long these days and I still don't even have my car although I received an update today that it may be here soon. 

So, I talked to my husband about a few initial costs I would need to take to get started on working now.  I am trying to keep my costs super low - someone in a Facebook group emphasized that unless you have clients, this will just be an expensive hobby. 

Today I registered my business name with the state and applied for a business license in my city.  I also bought a website name and Google Workspace account so that I can have an email and place for business docs.  I started working on a website and got really overwhelmed by that. 

I took a walk and reminded myself: this is all a learning process.  I will be developing new skills I don't have and it will take practice.  I will make mistakes but hopefully I will learn from them and they will be things I can easily bounce back from. 

I am still feeling a lot of tension in my body.  None of this will matter if I can't get any clients.  I have always assumed I will, but we'll see. 

At least I have taken some steps and put into action things I have been thinking about for a long time.  I hope that eventually I can connect with some other folks and get support.  For now I hope I can calm down enough to enjoy my evening. 

[Armee]

Those are a lot of big big steps for one day! Oh my goodness, please cut yourself some slack for getting overwhelmed by the website !

But way to go on getting this stuff moving!!!! 

[Not Alone]

Today I registered my business name with the state and applied for a business license in my city.  I also bought a website name and Google Workspace account so that I can have an email and place for business docs.

                                                       

That is a lot!!!!!

I took a walk and reminded myself: this is all a learning process.  I will be developing new skills I don't have and it will take practice.  I will make mistakes but hopefully I will learn from them and they will be things I can easily bounce back from. 

Absolutely.

[Blueberry]

Way to go rainy!