Rainy Journal 2022

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you for the reminder that was a lot to do - it was and I am not appreciating that as this all new and I don't know how to consider what is "enough." 
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Not Alone, I appreciate the cheers and support.
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Blueberry, thank you for the cheers and support.
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I was feeling pretty good earlier but notice my mood is tanning a bit.

I didn't sleep the best last night.  I woke up too warm and couldn't get back to sleep.  After I went back to sleep I had a dream I can't really remember the detail of.

Today has been productive.  I calmed down a bit yesterday and was able to see how much I did accomplish.  I worked on my website some more and feel good overall with it.  It is almost done. 

My husband is going to help me take a picture for my website.  One of three departments has approved my business license.  It feels like things are moving forward.

Where I get stuck is that my inner critic starts to be nasty.  I see the faces of my former colleagues and think over all I endured last year at work.  I still feel terrible about it.  I wonder if maybe I do suck at my work and just spiral into being really hard on myself. 

I'm also struggling with the concept of letting others pay me directly for my work.  That is going to be difficult.  I think what I've listed so far for prices on my draft site is too wishy washy and me trying to please people.  I need to be more direct. 

Related to money - my husband and I had a productive conversation about money.  We are trying to get to a point where we don't have both work so much.  I think I am already in a place where I am being afforded the opportunity to recreate my work experience.  But the conversation was helpful for us to move forward united.

I'm not sure why my mood is going lower.  I think I am hungry and I am feeling the impact of not sleeping so well.  It's also hard to manage all the feelings that come with growing up in capitalism and what society tells us is the "right" way to be in terms of a worker. 

[sanmagic7]

i've found it difficult at times to charge what i'm worth.  i think our self-doubt can get in the way.  i have no doubt you know how to do your job really well, and i hope you're able to charge what you deserve.  yeah, those work expectations can be a drag.  best to you, rainy.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
Not sleeping well does have such a big impact, and I really do think that maybe that has contributed to you feeling as you do today.  I hope that you're able to have a rest, if you need one.   

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Thank you all for the care and support. 
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I slept much better last night.  I once again had dreams I cannot fully remember other than that my parents were involved.  I'm curious to see if there are any nights where I don't dream.  So far I have dreamt each night that I've been trying to record my dreams.

I was just reading The Tao of Fully Feeling and something that Pete said stirred me up a bit: "Survivors need to regain their feelings about how much it hurts to be lambasted in critical ways and in belligerent tones."  The context of this is that he was discussing verbal and emotional abuse.  That is the bulk of the abuse I experienced growing up and I think why it took me so long to recognize it as abuse because it was just present and I had no visible markings of my suffering. 

What this stirred up is my experiences in my last job.  What I experienced at work was abuse.  Of course no one would call it that but that is what happened.  And even though I am still ashamed to still be experiencing abuse as an adult, I made important steps to protect myself by leaving.  I am trying to let myself feel how much it hurt to be abused by other adults as an adult. 

It's a lot to feel and I am so saddened by my life being so full of hurt caused by words and facial expressions and tones of voice and body positions because I cannot completely avoid other people.  Other people are my triggers and it is so challenging. 

I am trying to rest today and not think about my business plans.  It is going to take effort to have boundaries with myself. 

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

Just stopping by your new journal to say hi. I hope this year is filled with a lot more growth and healing for you.

It's great what you've managed to do so far for your business, congrats! There's a lot of room for learning, and for error in new endeavours but I'm sure that you can also put all of yourself into it and shape it to what you want to be. It sounds like you have a good model of what you want to accomplish and the training you need to do that.

Sending you support,

dolly

[rainydiary]

Dolly, thank you - I appreciate your care and support.
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I am feeling a lot today.  In many days today has been a good day.  I am trying to find the energy and motivation to prepare dinner.

I am stuck in feelings that come about with the dynamic between my husband's avoidant attachment and my anxious one especially as it relates to us moving. 

Some sample statements from him and my responses from the past several weeks that I am struggling with:

Him: "I like having a Christmas tree but don't like setting it up."
Me: say nothing, internally feel really hallow, decide to try to get rid of the tree because I don't want to put energy into things he isn't going to participate in 

Him: "I want to move but don't like the actual process of moving."
Me: try to make sure this big change is in our best interest but not explaining to him what it is I need (like actual help packing)

I also remember him saying over and over how he doesn't like where live...but also doesn't want to do anything about changing it.  My worry is that if I said we should move to his hometown all the barriers he is putting up would fall away.

We are in a place where he doesn't really want to work anymore and is considering early retirement.  As a result he has become so worried about money even though we are doing just fine financially. 

So we are stuck in this loop.  To me, we were waiting out some things to resolve here and then look ahead.  But it feels like he doesn't really want to participate in a conversation, just critique me while I am trying to do household work, pack, find a way to earn income, etc. 

I have gotten better at calling out stuff I am seeing, but I am not doing it consistently.  Deep down I worry he is going to sabotage our move because of the deep guilt he feels not living in his hometown. 

I have also thought a lot about if this is something I want to continue being a part of.  I am afraid of how he would act if I suggested divorce.  I think he would be really nasty but also not see it coming.  I don't actually believe this is the route I want to take.  But my hypervigliant mind must consider all options always. 

[Not Alone]

Rainy Diary, I understand living with a H who is avoidant. I want to encourage your efforts in calling out things that you are seeing. You are courageous to be doing so. It is okay that you aren't consistent. You are growing. I also understand considering if you want to continue in the relationship. Those are difficult questions with no easy answers.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I appreciate your words and support.  I am really struggling and am grateful for your kindness.
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I am having trouble falling asleep and am in an EF.

I am recognizing that my EF is triggered by past situations with my husband and moving.  I am triggered by times where he has violated my trust.  I am triggered by all the people (my mother, my friends) telling me all the things I should be doing in my relationship and not recognizing I cannot do the work for him. 

This is all so crazy because he is the one that suggested we move and that we go to the state where we are looking to go.  And now all of a sudden (which it probably isn't sudden, as the more I actually see behavior exhibited by his family for what it is, I realize they all say a lot of things that rarely come to pass) he doesn't want to.  People are entitled to change their mind and I would appreciate if he would say if he has changed his mind. 

I think I am also triggered because I am not confident in my ability to navigate this situation.  I'm also not sure I can do much.  I tried talking to him several times tonight and he somewhat engages but then shuts down.  The engagement is somewhat encouraging but I am so tired. 

I hope I can get some sleep.  I am pretty upset. 

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

Am sorry that you're feeling so much right now with your husband. You're right that you can't do the work for him and only set good boundaries for yourself. These are really big things and sending you support to navigate them.

dolly

[Not Alone]

The frustration and crazy-making of being in partnership with someone who is Avoidant is magnified when their decisions/lack of decision/lack of communication affects you in a big way. (For you, moving; for me more recently my H's retirement.)

I am triggered by all the people (my mother, my friends) telling me all the things I should be doing in my relationship and not recognizing I cannot do the work for him. 

I read on OOTF that well-meaning people will give relationship advise that works for many relationships. The advise does not work when dealing with someone who has a personality disorder. One of my friends would give me marital advise. I sent her an article about Avoidant Personality and asked her to read it before she gave more counsel. Her words of wisdom have slowed considerably.

My T has told me that Avoidants get people to do the work for them. He said, "Don't do his (husband's) work for him." You are on the right track Rain Diary. I know it is really hard. 

[rainydiary]

Dolly, thank you for your words.  I am trying very hard to not do the work for others but it is so difficult.  I have slid back into some old habits of late and hope to give myself some understanding.
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Not Alone, I appreciate that you understand this dynamic.  It has taken me a long time to recognize this and to acknowledge how much it hurts.  I will keep trying to speak up.  I think it is making a difference.  But it is exhausting.
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I did sort of sleep last night but not well and not long.  I am exhausted today. 

I suppose my words did sink in for my husband.  We are planning another trip up to our new state to figure out a living situation.  I may take his words too literally but given history I have been caught off guard too many times and am afraid of that happening again.  I am needing to find ways to productively and proactively talk to him.  That won't completely eliminate the gaslighting, but hopefully it will make me feel better.

I will also say that I recently told him that he always walks too far ahead of me on hikes.  Lately he has been trying to walk with me and actually talk to me which I appreciate.

I am caught off guard by how triggered I got last night.  It has been 7 years now but we made an ill fated move that then led to me wrecking our car on a highway while driving between his hometown and the place we were living.  I am not as impacted by that wreck as I used to be, but sometimes I think of it and it makes me so ill.  It is a miracle we weren't hurt and didn't hurt anyone else. 

But I think I carry a lot of pain from that time in general as it was the first time I really confronted my husband's avoidance.  I didn't handle things great either at that time and didn't know my own trauma.  It was a terrible time.  I had been ignoring a lot of things for a while and it all caught up with me.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, sounds like you have a lot going thru your mind.  like you, i, too, always want to consider all options, the pos. and neg.  i think they're something to learn from, and a means to get to know ourselves more fully and more strongly.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San.  I try to remind myself that there can be a silver lining to all of my reflection yet I also tend to get stuck.  I am trying to be gentle today.  I appreciate your support.
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I have not been functioning well today as I am exhausted.  I've done what I can today but generally feel pretty lousy. 

I got two emails that are going to require a lot of effort to deal with tomorrow. 

One is from my bank.  I initiated a request to rollover a retirement account from my last job in November.  I hadn't heard from them so followed up.  There was some miscommunication I think and the contact I've had reached out again today to say I need to provide another form and a bunch of information. 

The other one is from the city where I submitted a business license.  I need to fill out a zoning permit.  I realized I didn't mention in my application that my business will be online.  Hopefully all of this is possible to resolve.  This email in particular is triggering because I feel like I made a mistake.  I am sure this all very boring to the people that work in the city and deal with this every day. 

Today it occurred to me that I am feeling a lot of the hurt I've been denying feeling for a very long time.  I have a back log of hurt to feel and for some reason I am right now. 

I am hoping to go to bed as early as I can.  I hope I can sleep.  My critic is telling me that I am a failure and what I am doing right now is a ridiculous waste of time. 

[rainydiary]

I think I somewhat uncovered one reason I am especially triggered right now.  The time 7 years was similar to now.  I didn't have a job then as now.  My husband was unhappy in work as he is now.  But these times are different even though my brain isn't responding to them as such. 

Last time, I was trying to resist us moving back to his hometown even though deep down I knew it would happen.  Last time he was placing huge pressure on me to get a job.  The part that really hurt was I had left a good job to move to where he was and if he had just told me before I moved to keep my job we could have avoided so much pain.

I am scared of all that happening again.  This time we are in a very different place and have come a long way.  This time I am trying to create a work situation that will be sustainable for myself instead of continuing to work in toxic places.  This time he is acting more like an adult and doesn't have his parents stirring the pot. 

I'm not sure I can talk to him about this because he doesn't understand the need to review the past.  He takes it as me not letting things go and not as a trauma response. 

I hope that now that I understand what I am flashing back to that I will start to feel safe. 

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

Wrecking your car sounds like a traumatic experience! No wonder it brings up a lot of things about that time. Hope that you're able to find some space to be with that.

I find when I'm trying to take on stuff from people, especially in relationships, it has to do with my "fantasy" or idea of how things should be because of how much they weren't like that growing up, or what I'm trying to recreate now because of what I lacked then. It' tricky because I keep fooling myself about my motivations as well and have to keep going through picking unavailable people but hopefully have made some progress now. This is just my experience so please disregard if it's not helpful.

dolly