Rainy Journal 2022

[Blueberry]

Hi rainy,

I just want to let you know that I read your Journal and that I see it's a really challenging time for you rn. I see that you are making realisations about e.g. the difference between 7 years ago and now.

Your critic is wrong. You are not 'wasting' time. You are working hard on your recovery.

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate your share.  It is helpful for me to consider how that shows up for me as I think it does.  I think I am dealing with that in terms of work too.  Thank you for your support.
.....
Blueberry, I appreciate the words and reminder that my critic is wrong.  Thank you for supporting me.
.........
Today I feel much better at the start of the day. I slept much better which helps a lot.

I have dreamed every night since I started keeping track last Wednesday.  I am wondering if I am always dreaming and now am just remembering more I have been paying more attention. 

Today I am experiencing a lot of doubt as to whether I really want to have my own business.  Of course I like the idea of it but worry I have created such an ideal version in my mind I am not facing the reality of how much work it is going to be.

What I worry the most for is caring myself.  I don't think this work will ever be entirely safe from triggers for me.  When I solely responsible for every aspect of my work experience, I worry that will become too much.  There will be so much hustle involved too. 

I also am struggling against how I don't have any entrepreneurs in my family so considering taking this approach to life is very out there. 

I will continue to work my options. I reached out to a school district in my new state to see if they are actually still seeking applications.  I will continue to see if I can get any clients.  This is another opportunity to be more true to myself and consider what it is I really want versus trying to live in a fantasy.

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

I'm glad that was helpful for you. I wouldn't talk yourself out of this. You might hit the ground but you always have an opportunity to pick yourself up and try it again. I don't think it matters if you have entrepreneurs in your family either, you are your own person and don't need their approval/blessing to do so. It will probably be a lot of work but maybe that's something you can take into account. I'm speaking as someone who wanted to work in a highly competitive field where I had to make it happen. It's not easy but I'm also proud of what I've accomplished on my own.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Armee]

I agree with Dolly there. It is super scary and i would honestly be worried about you if you were not nervous and having doubts! But you do have what it takes! You are persistent and reflective and have heart. You care so deeply about doing this job right....it would be amazing to get to do that without having to deal with the toxic work environment. If you fail you either try again or decide you'd rather be employed by someone other than yourself. No harm.

[rainydiary]

Dolly & Armee, I appreciate your support and perspective.  I have an update which I will share below. 
.........
Today some fog lifted from my mind and it occurred to me that my idea of a private practice is a fantasy I don't actually want deep down.  It is something I've been creating in my mind as a way to avoid and prevent ever feeling like I did especially last year. 

When I really consider my truth, I know I don't want to solely be responsible in the way I would need to be.  I don't want to always be "on" and trying to find people to work with.  I don't want to constantly worry over my money and work all the time.  I don't want to be in the situation of having to offer services in a way that limits the kind of people I can work with (namely people with privilege).  I don't want this to consume my life. 

I am refocusing my efforts on finding a job where kids get my help who wouldn't otherwise.  I want to watch my outer critic while also being self-protective.  I want to be able to set boundaries and to walk away from work when I need to without worrying.  I want to keep growing in learning to work with others and rely on people that are worth it.

The timing of all this is tricky and I think it will take some more time to find a position.  But that is ok.  Something right will turn up. 

[Armee]

I'm glad you have clarity and the part about privilege makes a lot of sense with your values. In that case, good luck finding a position, and maybe you can do a little side work for yourself too when you have the time and energy just to try it out. Or not.

[sanmagic7]

i really love your perspective on this, rainy.  i chose a therapy job where i didn't have to hustle for clients, work all hours, etc. , but could still work with my favorite population - troubled adolescent girls.  i'm so glad i made that choise instead of going into private practice.  i'm also glad you were able to figure this out for you, too.  well done!   love and hugs

[Larry]

wishing you the best !

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate your support.  I know that I could do something different and that I am capable.  I don't want my work to be my entire identity and feel it would be harder to separate from if it was all on me. 
.....
San, I appreciate your support.  It is important to honor my limits.  I am learning to be ok with that and to stop trying to be the people I admire or think I should be like.
.....
Larry, I appreciate the wish!
..........
Last night before I went to bed I made a wish or request to the universe that I needed help with my job search.  I got stuck yesterday and was feeling really discouraged.  Today a lady I had spoken to in November called me.  I think she may be the support I asked for.  I will speak to her again tomorrow and hopefully be able to find a position with her support. 

My husband and I are going through a lot of communication growing pains.  I have been doings things that are frustrating him but he hasn't told me.  He is starting to tell me and I am seeing ways we have been miscommunicating.  I have also been falling into some old people pleasing habits.  Hopefully increased communication will be supportive. 

Something that I'm still processing but that I began to consider today relates to what I lacked growing up.  While reading Pete Walker today, I learned about how apparent my parents' anger and lack of emotional regulation was because it was so brutalizing.  What I overlooked is how devoid of love, communication, discussion, support my upbringing was and how lonely that is.  And how I continued that pattern into marriage. 

I am learning about my attachment style and a section of the workbook had me consider my self esteem.  What I noticed is that when considering what my family and friends say I am good at, I struggled to answer.  In terms of family I think this is because all that stands out is them telling me what I'm not good at.  In terms of friends, I tend to keep folks at a distance so they may only know surface level things.  I will say I was happy to be able to write down positive things about myself.
I think the next step is still believing those things when I am around other people. 

[Larry]

you are really god at offering advice and compassion to those in need,   i love that about you !

[rainydiary]

Larry, thank you.  This is such a helpful thing to hear.
.........

Whew a lot of stuff is coming up today and it feels like it is going to be a long day.  Today is my last official appointment with my massage therapist and I think that is bothering me more than I've acknowledged.

Something that is stirring up inside is how deeply held my self-disgust is.  I didn't realize it is still so strong.  I am really saddened by all the things I'm learning about mirroring.  All that was mirrored to me is how disappointing I am and that continues to be what I see others saying to me (even if they aren't). 

I am reading a bit more of Pete Walker and it is really touching a nerve.  It occurred to me when reading how much I do not like babies.  I do not feel comfortable with them or want to hold them.  Every baby I have held (which is 2) feel this from me which makes me sad.  It never occurred to me to wonder what it was like for me as a baby.  When I briefly reflect, stories my mom tells are how fussy I was.  How I vomited a lot.  I haven't heard stories of how I was responded to by adults but it makes me wonder.  I'm sure it wasn't great. 

I am trying to consider that other people's reaction to me is much more about what is going on with them.  I have thought on this before yet cannot get past how I am still not able to see their disgust and disappointment in me.  And how some folks have used that against me.  I feel bad about myself because while I am able to see someone is hurting, I am hurt by them not being able to do the same.

I imagine I will check back in here later today. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, so much about what you wrote about your family, your grown-up reactions, your perceptions of other people's supposed perspective of you, well, i could've written it.  it struck a chord with me the idea of being told over and over about our mistakes, judged about them without the added encouragement or letting us know our good points, our strengths, celebrating our accomplishments.  whew!  you've opened my eyes a little wider on this.  thanks.

i agree with larry, and will add your kindness and gentleness shows thru in your posts to others.  in my eyes, you are a lovely person.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate that reflection.  I agree, it is a nuance of what I was also lacking that has really caught me off guard of late.  I hope this exploration leads to supportive adjustments for you. 
.......

Yesterday was so difficult.  I think I had every emotion people can have and was just in such a rough place.

I was glad to see my massage therapist and to wrap things up.  I don't think it is the end of our relationship perhaps just something different.  I talked with her about how I'm not sure we're even actually going to make our move to a new place and it was helpful to just put that out there and be ok that minds can change.

Last night I tried to make an effort to watch a basketball game with my husband and to emphasize that we don't have to leave where we are if we don't want to. 

This morning I felt so lousy.  It felt like things just weren't working out.  I have struggled with finding a job and with getting a new car.  I've been talking to a recruiter who has not been particularly helpful in the past and who doesn't make her process transparent (which I feel like is how these staffing agencies work).  I was feeling so uncomfortable.  I felt like such a failure. 

And then this afternoon a school district that I had applied to in December called me to set up an interview next week.  It is a district I feel really drawn to and I was glad they called.  It made me feel so much better.  I earned this interview based on my application and resume.  Funny enough, after I'd already set up the interview, the recruiter I have been speaking to texted me about that district.  I'm sure she is annoyed with me for the situation but it is just a coincidence.  She texted me about another place and I haven't responded yet. 

Part of me knows I should be pragmatic and take interviews I can get, but I also feel so uncomfortable with staffing agencies based on past experiences.  I don't really want to go through them, but interviews aren't guarantees. 

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

That sounds like a lot coming up for you and a big realization about what it was like to be that little, baby you. She must have had so much to go through and with parents who weren't very sympathetic at a time when that's the only people she had to depend on for survival. The people in your life now are, fortunately for you, ones you don;'t have to depend on for survival and they can think  whatever they want but that doesn't mean it's true or relevant.

Sending you support,
dolly

[sanmagic7]

 

i think you're going thru a lot of emotional gymnastics right now with everything bearing down on you - interviews, recruiters, all the stuff that is nerve-wracking for you to be dealing with.  i hope you can give yourself a little time and space to just be with you and know you're doing what's best for you.  love and hugs, rainy