Rainy Journal 2022

[Not Alone]

the parent wrote a 120 page document about their complaints. 

What???     I proud of you for being able to see that this situation has very little to do with you.

[sanmagic7]

thinking of you, rainy, as you go thru your grief, even if conflicting at times.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Not Alone - I don't know what to say about a situation where a person produces a 120 page document listing complaints.   
.....
San, thank you. 
.........

Starting my day off upset.  I have the meeting with the school district attorney this afternoon.

I am worried I won't have enough energy for my drawing class after.  It will depend on what happens at the meeting and what time I am able to leave work.  I shared that concern with other people and they don't understand.

I am having trouble with getting the needed paperwork to register my car in my new state.  I got caught in this go between with my car dealership and the state motor vehicle agency.  I think I am now clear on what needs to be done but am not sure the people responsible for helping resolve are doing their part.

Yesterday I called a clinic to set up a doctor appointment.  Just a routine check to set up care.  The person I spoke to was really helpful - there weren't any appointments available that met my requests so they told me to call back today.   

I ended up speaking to a different person who told me completely different information.  They were really unhelpful and I hung up the phone.  I was upset because I was told information yesterday that this person was saying was not true.  They were not going to help me out and that really upset me. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainy,
I really hope that your meeting with the school district attorney goes ok, and I hope that you're able to have some remaining energy to enjoy your drawing class afterwards. 

I am sorry that you had such different experiences when phoning the clinic to set up your doctor's appointment - that is not nice.  I really hope you can get an appointment for your routine check up - and I hope you get to see a nice person.

Sending you a hug of support, Rainy   

I feel exasperated that the person produced a 120 page document listing complaints - but it makes me think that they must have a lot of issues that they wanted to get off their chest. 

Hope 

[Not Alone]

I hope the attorney meeting went okay.

Your drawing class is important to you. I hope you were able to go.

I hear your frustration over the doctor appointment and misinformation. ugh.

[rainydiary]

Hope and Not Alone, thank you.  I ended up missing my drawing class but am finding ways to bring drawing into my routines more as that is what I had hoped for from this class.  I also found another hospital system in my area that let me make an appointment without all this gatekeeping.
..........
I am not feeling my best today.  It's been hard to slow down enough to check in with myself.  I am noticing a lot I will try to put into words.

The meeting with the attorney went relatively ok.  The meeting was a group meeting.  The main issue we discussed started before I was even employed. There is a lot of process I don't understand and it's hard to know how much energy to give this.

During that meeting, I spoke up about how I was investigated which the lawyer hadn't been aware of.  The supervisor in this situation got flustered that I said this and she stated that her knowledge is the complaint originated because of my body language.

I am really feeling conflicted and hurt over that.  My whole life I've been criticized for how I come across.  I don't seem to grasp the performance correctly.  It bugs me because people can be good at faking or presenting or masking all kinds of things and it doesn't mean things are as they seem.  It hurts to be a person other people not only misunderstand but also bully, harm, use.

I am feeling hurt and confused because as I think over a lot of my life, I see how I've often had a strong female friend or person I was close to that played a variety of roles but mostly was my guide through navigating stuff.  Yet these people weren't always doing things in my best interest. 

I am exhausted today deep deep deep down.  I see growth in myself and yet also a deep need for love for things I can't quite explain or grasp yet.

[Not Alone]

I feel sad for what you are experiencing internally. 

A thought about your meeting, the issue started before you were employed is a contradiction to the supervisor saying it started because of a complaint about your body language. Also, if someone read your body language a certain way, that might be something to address, but the whatever the complaint, it seems way beyond that. I'm sorry that you were put in this situation.

[dollyvee]

Hi Rainy,

Sorry that you're going through so much right now - it's a lot to process. One thing sort of jumped out when you mentioned putting "family stuff aside" for the death of your gm. It made me wonder if you are maybe thinking you're being difficult with your family for setting some boundaries dealing with your trauma and the way they treated you. To me, your gm may have had a difficult life but it's not an excuse to treat people a certain way. I wonder too if being around your family and taking this on has affected how you feel about yourself. It's always difficult not to fall into "family stuff" when you're dealing with them.

Also bravo for speaking up about being investigated! "Body language" is such a grey area and open to interpretation. It also sounds like it's second hand coming from a parent who is clearly going through something and looking for someone to blame.

Hope things are better,
dolly

[rainydiary]

Thank you Dolly and Not Alone, a lot of things are coming up right now for sure.  This is all going to take a long time to process.
..........
I am still deeply sad today.

It was about a year ago that my colleagues in my old job cowardly sat me down on the last day of work to tell me all these things that were not their place to tell me.

I am reflecting how far I've come in a year.  And yet I am still deeply hurt by what they did.  I'm hurt because they weren't honest with me and lied to me and I felt tricked.

I am hurt because I tried to stand up for myself and no one took it seriously.  So I left.

And blame myself.  That is what I am feeling today.  I blame myself.  I am sure this has deep roots in how I was raised.  I have this story that I make people uncomfortable because I am honest and I sit with my discomfort while also trying to grow.  Other people do not seem to like that and they act in hurtful ways as a result.

I am not able to fully connect with myself right now - I am blaming myself but not able to be loving and forgiving.  I am stuck in feeling like I should have known better and done more. 

[sanmagic7]

my dear rainy, it's so difficult at times to know in your inner self that you did what was the best thing for you in the face of hostile people.  from what you've written, i'm sure the blame of their behaviors, actions, and words does not lie with you.  it can be rough to stand up for ourselves when we speak our truth and others do not want to accept it in an understanding way. 

take your time.  i believe you did nothing wrong, you could not have known how they'd react, hurtful people have some very deep-seated issues they're not willing to look at nor be accountable for what they do.  standing with you as you eventually get back to loving yourself. they're the ones who should feel the shame and blame.  their discomfort is on them, not you.  sending love and a hug filled with clarity and peace.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your words.  They brought a lot of comfort. 
........
Mondays are especially hard these days.  My brain is freaked out - "what will it be now?"  My body expresses the stress through stomachaches.  It is exhausting.

I am looking forward to this weekend.  It is a long weekend and my husband and I are going to visit a town we are interested in exploring for long term living.

Even though I am exhausted right now, I feel hope for the future.  There has been so much change for me so fast following years of prolonged difficulty.  All the work of healing and developing ways of responding versus reacting are paying off. 

I am feeling like I'm not able to integrate and think and process right now.  I hope that begins to shift soon.  I think this upcoming weekend will hold information and help further define what is next.

[Bach]

I have this story that I make people uncomfortable because I am honest and I sit with my discomfort while also trying to grow.  Other people do not seem to like that and they act in hurtful ways as a result.

I think I have this story too.

I hope your day is going well today.  I'm glad you spoke of feeling hope for the future.  That's such a precious thing. 

[Armee]

Gggaaahhh! My head practically exploded when I read that the complaint originated from your body language!!!!!! How maddening! I'm so sorry. I am often misread because I don't know how to make my body language conform to norms. I'm sorry. I'm sorry this school has such deep rooted problems. This is not you. This is not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong.

[rainydiary]

Bach, I appreciate your support and understanding.  I feel like I have a superpower but it is so misunderstood by others or frightening or something.  I've been having ideas lately of how express this side of myself through art even though I've never identified as an artist. 
.....
Armee, it is so frustrating especially because kids I work with are misread too so all of this perpetuates harm for them.   My dad was really harsh with me growing up about my body language so this is deeply triggering.  Pretty sure my dad was also misread for body language so I think his anger at me is because it happens to him too.  I am sorry you experience misreading too - ableism is another layer of junk to sort through.
........
I am acknowledging I am in an EF which I didn't pick up on before and just had a really uncomfortable interaction with a colleague. 

Yesterday went relatively ok.  My husband went on a solo camping trip so I had some time to myself. 

I woke up today and just didn't feel great.  I am deeply upset.  My stomach hurts and I know staying at home would have been a good choice. 

And yet I came to work because I have a family meeting scheduled that would be too difficult to reschedule as I am only at this school on Tuesdays and there aren't very many Tuesdays left. 

I'm tired of the gaslighting I am experiencing at work.  I am tired of being afraid too of the past repeating itself.  I am tired of these deeply felt and embedded feelings that I keep encountering.

I am also realizing how annoyed I am at a podcast I listened to this morning that talked about how "family" is an ingredient of longevity.  It always makes me feel othered and stressed.  My brain thinks, "So I'll die early because "family" is a source of trauma for me?"  I think this conversation needs to be shifted from the word family - what they meant (I think) is having connection with people that accept one and go through hard times with one. 

I am hopeful for the future because I believe I have a useful perspective and experience and gifts to share with others.

Yet I feel frustrated with myself right now because I don't know how to move forward.  I know that I can't continue working in schools forever.  And yet I have no idea of how to express what it is I want to express and live in that way. 

I am putting too much pressure on myself.  I have been carrying the weight of a number of things that are bothering me.  I can't seem to find ease right now. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i think too many times people often have a rose-colored view of family, which is so different from the ones we have grown up knowing.  so much emphasis on family of origin as being a refuge, a place where we will be welcome and comforted, where we will know someone will have our back.  for those of us whose families were the opposite, that definition just does not ring true.

i can remember the feeling of relief and the absence of anxiety i experienced when i first went away to college, got out from under my parents' roof.  and again when i moved out of their home permanently and moved across the country, out of their reach.  and i have no doubt as you continue to recover your true self, the answers you are searching for will come to you, and you'll know.  love and hugs