Rainy Journal 2022

[Not Alone]

Rainy, you have so much going on now. Wow. I applaud you and your ability to look at yourself and to see what you really want and to shift your direction in your job plans.

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate your words and support. 
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San, I appreciate the phrase "emotional gymnastics."  It's bringing some amusing visuals to mind.  Things did catch up with me over the past several days.  Thank you for the reminder of gentleness. 
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Not Alone, thank you for your support. 
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Today I had the interview with the school district.  I think it went really well.  I didn't walk away (or log off the video since it was over Microsoft Teams) feeling icky.  Before this, I have honestly never had an interview where I didn't leave feeling like it was a bad idea. 

The folks that interviewed me didn't give me the impression that they hate their jobs and they were genuinely kind.  I also must acknowledge that I have done a lot of healing and am approaching this situation differently.  They are going to call my references next.  School district hiring isn't exactly like being hired in corporate jobs but I don't think they would call references if they weren't interested. 

My husband and I went to our favorite out of town spot this past weekend.  The second day I did meltdown.  I would say I can see how our communication is improving as a couple.  I am not clear what my meltdown/EF was about but I really struggle to sleep in unfamiliar rooms and something about the particular hike we were doing left me disregulated.  We worked through it and ended up having some fun times we wouldn't otherwise have had. 

Yesterday my husband paid me a compliment about a photo I took and today actually asked me how my interview went without being asked.  These are not things he usually does and while appreciative I notice I am feeling hypervigilant about them.  Accepting care and kindness from others is so challenging. 

Right now I am feeling good because the interview was so positive and I didn't even really have to brush on anything that happened in my last job.  I was also accepted for who I am and had a good conversation with them.  I was overwhelmed earlier today and I imagine I will be overwhelmed in the coming weeks...but I am glad for the ways I am and have grown. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
So many positive things here, and I wanted to congratulate you on them. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

That all sounds really good progress, rainydiary. You're so brave with what you're moving on, ever forwards. I understand that 'good' changes can be difficult, scary and can make you hypervigilant. I get hypervigilant easily too. So sending compassion about that I hope it 'settles' a bit in the next days, even if more overwhelm comes again later.

[Not Alone]

Glad your interview went well and mostly that you feel good about it.

[Larry]

 

[rainydiary]

Hope, thank you.  I appreciate your support and encouragement. 
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Blueberry, I appreciate you reminding that even positive change is change and that all change can be challenging.  I am in a place of really feeling harshly toward my hypervigilance as it is exhausting and it doesn't really protect me from much. 
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Not Alone, thank you for your support. 
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Larry, 
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Well, I heard already from the school district and the team I spoke with wants to recommend me for hire.  I have HR processes to complete which will probably take some time.  But within a month I may be working in a new job in a new state.

One of the people I spoke with yesterday left me a voicemail about the plan.  I plan to keep the voicemail and may listen to it again sometime.  She spoke positively and encouraging and I felt good hearing her be so kind and also offering me grace in this process. 

Today I decided to cancel my order for the car I ordered well over a year ago.  The dealer keeps lying to me and I can't understand why.  They will say the car is almost here and then "oh it was delayed by weather."  There may be legitimate things outside of their control, but I am tired of giving energy to something that clearly isn't working. 

I woke up today from a pretty intense dream that brought up a lot of past feelings.  Today I've been really struggling with how off I have always felt socially.  I am so terrified of that catching up with me in my new job.  I have always struggled socially and I get into situations I don't fully understand how they happened.  My hope is that I will be able to be open to experiencing a new work place with the knowledge that I am no longer in the toxicity I was in. 

The next few weeks and months are going to be a lot. 

[Blueberry]

  about the news from HR. It sounds really promising.
on not giving any more energy to the car dealer. I think it takes courage to say "No way" especially when a process has already started.

[Armee]

Congratulations Rainy!!! I can understand the trepidation about social scenarios. And yet we were all raised to doubt ourselves. Maybe think about the behaviors you saw toward other people..it wasn't just you, right? You were just appalled by the behaviors and took action. Maybe more sensitive to it, in a good way?

I don't blame you one bit for canceling the car! That's horrible behavior from the dealer!!!!

[sanmagic7]

congrats on the job offer, rainy.  that is so cool, especially that voicemail.  yay!

from what you said about the voicemail, i hope it means the position itself and the people surrounding you there will also be far from what you experienced before  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

congrats, rainy, that's so cool!  Good on you for setting that boundary with the car place. I agree, a year is ridiculous. Here's wishing you the best in the new job. 

[rainydiary]

Thank you all.  I appreciate the encouragement and validation.   

I haven't been feeling well yesterday and today.  I am 99.9% sure it is stress and possibly hormones.  As excited as I am, I am also scared.

I shared my news with parents and my mom acted supportive.  I've recently been seeing her behavior toward me when I was a child in a new light and it is making me tired.  My dad acknowledged my communication but I cannot shake the feeling he is just plain disgusted and disappointed in me.  My parents were different when I went to see them in December.  I'm not sure what has changed exactly - I have and it seems like they have too.  I think they are worn down caring for their aging mothers and not free from a huge source of their own trauma.  But they also keep a distance between us and it hurts. 

I am also reflecting on how the trauma in my last job (and really every job I've had as an adult) is connected but also separate from what happened to me growing up.  I'm not sure how to hold all these conflicting experiences.  I am noticing that I want to do all I can to "prevent" ending up in crap like I did....but I cannot actually control that.  While I certainly had my role, I did not cause other adult people to treat me the way they did. 

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night.  My mind began to bring up the faces of my colleagues that hurt me.  I'm not sure if I was awake or asleep but I started yelling at them in my mind.  Right now I also see that I want to yell at the people that were nicer to me but just stood by and watched me being hurt.  That makes me sicker than the nastiness.  I think it was somewhat helpful to yell in my brain.  I am trying to remember: I left and got a new job in which I will have success.  They are still there being nasty to one another.

The new job I am working toward may include working with military families.  This appeals to me as I grew up in a military family....but it occurred to me yesterday that I will need to proceed with caution.  This may be super triggering in ways I cannot see right now. 

I am trying to change my mindset in my approach to work.  For so long work has just been repetition compulsion.  I will always love my students and do my best to provide them with care and space, but my goal is to not have to work much longer.  Or at least not working like this.  I have not missed work at all in the past few months and going back is making me feel sick.  I know that I can do the job, I just don't really want to anymore.  I hope this will help me be less attached to "proving myself" and more able to just be me. 

I spent some time packing some things up today.  I am trying to take small steps for now as I know some big steps that will be overwhelming are ahead. 

[Not Alone]

Congratulations on your new job. There is so much that you have going on now. 

[CactusFlower]

Congrats, Rainy! Also, I was a military dependent as a kid, so I'm totally here to listen and understand that things might be triggering.  You're not alone in that.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I appreciate the reminder that a lot is going on.  I hope I can keep finding what the very next step is as I think I am trying to do too much all at once.
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Sage, I appreciate the support of a fellow military dependent.  I'm actually feeling like this may be a really healing experience but I have no idea what my brain and body associate with that so am not sure what might come up.  I'm glad I am reminding myself of this now so that I won't be completely caught off guard.
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Today has been relatively chill.  The calm before the storm perhaps.  It is cold and snowy and I am glad for the chance to just rest my best.

I was officially offered the job by someone in HR.  I still have a lot of song and dance to get through until I have a contract to sign.  I often forget how ridiculous school districts are in their job offering process.  I suppose most folks aren't like me and don't get new school jobs very 2-3 years.  It is actually kind of funny to me now but I don't appreciate the level of paperwork I have to provide each time just to prove I can do a job. 

My anxiety is definitely on the rise which I know is about the prospect of starting a new job and navigating a move.  I am really grateful I will have an income again and that I continue to be someone that people express a desire to work with in interviews. 

I'm reflecting that as bad as I have felt in past jobs, I haven't actually done anything wrong.  For a long time I didn't understand a lot of my behavior was driven by trauma responses.  Now I do and I feel relatively more comfortable being me.  I think that tends to rub against others differently. 

If I could have one job where I leave on good terms and don't feel like people are trying to drive me out, I will consider that a success.  I am really seeing how bad we as people can be at dealing with conflict.  Conflict isn't necessarily a bad thing, but we aren't really taught how to navigate it which is how many issues start.