Rainy Journal 2022

[sanmagic7]

sending caring and support, rainy.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Sending support for the week. The way you listened to the kid instead of correcting him like the other adult showed him you are safe and understand. You are really good with the kids. It is maddening that you are stuck in a system that is so toxic to you instead of one that supports you in supporting the kids. 

[rainydiary]

Thank you San, I appreciate it.
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Thank you Armee - it is maddening. 
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I am up early today to get a run in before work.  I am less than 2 weeks away from my run and then don't need to have such long runs before work.  I hope my brain will let me sleep a bit longer after this week.  When I know I am running in the morning I sleep fitfully given worry I will oversleep.

I've begun learning more about rejection sensitive dysphoria.  Last night I dreamt that I took a chance on a relationship and was rejected.  I feel rejected on so many levels by so many people across the span of my life.  And it deeply hurts. 

This weekend I had a reminder that I'm not sure of my identity.  Going through another phase of reprocessing my life through a lens of neurodivergence is so difficult.  Right now all I see are ways I have adjusted myself to make myself more pleasing to others.  What am I left with when I stop doing that?

Some of my struggle with work right now is that I do feel like I will be strongly rejected.  I feel rejected in small ways but the big moment like I've encountered in other jobs hasn't come yet.  It is hard to explain to other people how this feels.  I read an article that suggested seeking feedback as this feeling of rejection thrives  in silence and lack of information.  I feel like I do try to get information and often get stuck. 

I have a lot of extra worry this week as I have a windshield replacement appointment that I'm worried something will go wrong with like every other appointment I've had.  I also have several after school meetings this week, some for work and some for personal reasons.  Having commitments after what I perceive to be the end of my work day is currently so overwhelming. 

I don't think I am giving myself space to feel.  I think I am pretending to be ok when around others instead of accepting where I am. 

[sanmagic7]

oh, rainy, i can't believe that windshield thing is still going on!    here's hoping you finally get it fixed and can be done w/ this once and for all.

it's a real dilemma you're looking at - who am i if i stop doing what i've always done?  personally, i think one of the things you're left with is choice - choice on what kind of person you want to be, boundary choices, self-care, self-awareness choices - just all the things that will help you be the person you truly are.  you don't have to do it all at once, tho.  slowly wins the race w/ what we're dealing with.  just my opinion.

hopefully this week will be smoother for you.  sending love and a hug full of clarity

[rainydiary]

San, I can't believe I am still waiting on this windshield replacement either.  I am getting closer I think but I can't even envision this working out.
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*Request: no specific comments on this post please*

Today I need to reflect on my relationship with my husband.  I feel really vulnerable and awful when I do that here.  And yet writing things out can be helpful.

As I walk this healing journey, I wonder more and more if I am outgrowing this marriage.   These days my husband doesn't have much to say for himself.  As all the weird training wheels with his family fall away, he isn't a person on his own. 

I crave a connection with another person that he does not offer.  I don't know if he loves me or is even capable of love given all the grossness in his relationship to his parents and family.  He is so silent and doesn't seem to care very much about what I go through. 

The support offered in this relationship is mostly financial.  I would take a huge hit in that area if I was on my own. 

We just moved to a new place.  Which he gaslights me about.  He always complained about where we used to live and now he talks about going back all the time.  This move was mostly his idea and now he acts like it wasn't which is maddening. 

I am wanting to start building up a network of people here in case I do need to be on my own.  I am also giving us time to settle as a lot of change has happened the past year. 

It is possible that as I build more connections, the pressure on our marriage will relieve a bit.  I have been caretaking for him for so long too that as I stop that it also leaves this empty space. 

I wish I didn't feel this way.  I used to be so certain he was my person and now I don't know. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[CactusFlower]

 

[rainydiary]

San and CF, thank you for the emojis.
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Well, after a much longer time than should have been necessary, my windshield is replaced.  I have a worry it will get damaged again, but hopefully the new one will make it longer than the old one.  I still can hardly believe it actually worked out.

I called in sick to work today to deal with the windshield replacement and have some time away from work.  I don't want to go to work tomorrow but am glad I took the day today.  I always feel better when I am not at work.  I wish I didn't need to keep going.

[sanmagic7]

i second that wish, rainy.  so very glad your windshield is finally fixed.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

 

[CactusFlower]

  So glad that's over with for you!

[rainydiary]

Thank you all - I did not realize how much of a weight that the windshield  has been on me.  I hope to have fewer issues with my car moving forward.
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I have a lot of big thoughts and feelings today.

I had a meeting with some folks at work (at my request) to clarify my role in something.  It was so awkward.  It also made me realize I will never be able to be myself fully at work.  Maybe that is true for almost everyone, but workplaces are so hurtful to people that need different supports.  No one wants to hear lived experiences that make them uncomfortable.

One of the reasons that meeting upset me is one of the administrators made a judgmental comment about how this mandatory training we all have to do on Monday includes sessions on educator stress.  His attitude seemed to be that it was a waste of time.  I cannot reconcile how people think it is just possible to act like you aren't a human and "do it all for the kids."

And then in the next breath talk about "functions of behavior" and how every child that isn't blindly doing what adults tell them is "manipulative," "seeking attention" and a few other things I can't remember.  Children can be so challenging, but I struggle to understand why there are whole professions and fields of study trying to tell me that a 5 year old child has so much power and understanding that I as an adult could be manipulated by them. *eye roll*

So, I continue to not like work.  I continue to leave on Friday feeling terrible that other adults don't care what I think.  I want to change systems but am not sure I will.  I hope I can find a way to focus on my strength in being a support to students.

I was listening to a podcast today that talked about a transition in our culture to shopping.  They mentioned time before the industrial revolution and how hard people worked in life to survive.  People continue to struggle and yet I had the flash of how much trauma people have endured for generations and generations and passed that down. 

I had a similar realization when I read a biography of Laura Ingalls Wilder (which also drastically changed how I viewed her and her books).  Her books are glamorizing trauma she endured.  And she made those books to give people a weird nostalgia about a past that was brutal. 

There are so many ills bigger than us as individuals.  I think that is why I feel so beat down at work.  Meanness and lack of respect for disability is encoded in everything.  I want to be a change and feel discouraged about my impact. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i once heard that there is no 'difficult' client when it comes to therapy, only a therapist who is missing the correct perspective.  i've taken that to heart throughout my work.  i believe the same when it comes to children.  they often don't have the logic and experience to express their needs in a straightforward manner, and it's up to the people who care for them to figure out what's really going on.  it's honestly such a shame that more people working w/ children can't see this as you have.

and as far as educator stress goes, well phooey on whoever said that learning about it is a waste of time.  admin, so often, has very little concept of the reality of education, it's cost in terms of human lives and living.  that's why mental health days were invented - someone saw the necessity for giving people time to regroup every so often!

ugh, ticks me off you have to go thru this day after day, rainy.   sending love and a hug full of support and as much detachment as you can manage to make it thru this school year - one day at a time, ok? 

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your support and understanding.  I often feel alone in my thinking and approach. 
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Today was a nice, lazy day.

I am realizing how much I am trying to control especially at work.  Some of my old habits of trying to prove myself are persisting.

I get so defensive and my little me often tries to take control.  I am trying to control others.  I want them to know how hurtful their behavior and words can be. 

I have no control over other people.  I have no control over so many things.  I am upset at what I see each day at work.  I am responding from my wounds though.  I don't want kids to be hurt like I was hurt. 

I wish I could let go of that urge to control.  I have stopped doing a lot of things I started doing at work as a means of control.  I am not constantly triggered and less hypervigilant.  There are specific situations and specific people that tend to trigger me.  I can try to ease my day through those things. 

I can also keep trying to be kind to myself.  I can keep meeting my needs like wearing earplugs and requesting meetings.  I can keep taking days off when I need them. 

I have been pushing myself to fit for so long and it feels weird to stop.  It makes sense I will backslide. 

[Blueberry]

San, I appreciate your support and understanding.  I often feel alone in my thinking and approach. 

I'm not managing to write much atm nor have I been for a while but I often find myself nodding to your posts, especially your thoughts on work whether colleagues or students or simply how to keep going. You're not alone.