Rainy Journal 2022

[Larry]

you are so much stronger than i am,   you are amazing.   I hope you get some rest.   

[rainydiary]

Larry, I appreciate your support. 
..........
I had a difficult time falling asleep and anxiety drove me awake.

I am realizing I am in am EF. 

The work situation most stressing me out is a process for determining if students need services at school either with me or other professionals.

My role in US schools is complex - I evaluate, I write reports and plans for student support, I provide therapy, I case manage and am part of teams.  Other professionals do one or two of those things but not all of them.  So there is always room for a lot of misunderstanding.

Every job I've had this particular aspect of my job has not worked well, is always stressful, is always unclear, and it doesn't allow me to use my strengths.  I've also had people tell me nasty things and put a lot of crap on me because they are taking out frustration on me.

I hope I can regulate my nervous system today.  I am going to talk to a colleague that usually can help.  But I feel awful right now.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs if you want them, rainy. Hoping the job eases up a little for you.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate it CF.  I will reflect more below.
.........
I am feeling a bit better this evening than this morning.

I wish I could take the day off tomorrow, but have a parent meeting scheduled that I just need to get done.  We have one more work week and then 2 weeks off.

I did speak to my colleague today and it was helpful.  I am realizing how often I am still trying to please others and taking on too much.

I am still relatively new in this particular job.  The way the state I live in and the district I work for interpret information is so different than I am used to.  It makes me feel like I don't know what I am doing.  I am trying to be patient with myself.

I realized some of my stress is that I got used to working in a high school where this time of year meant the end of a semester and more closure than the schedule in an elementary school.  It is much more nebulous and that is hard for me.

I also realize I have one colleague in particular that is trying to boss me and gaslights me a great deal.  I am trying to take her less seriously because I think she just does a lot of stuff to cover her butt.   I feel like I need to be careful with her but she also isn't in charge of me and can't tell me what to do.

I hope that nothing major happens tomorrow. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I admire the fact you're coping so well with your new job - I think it sounds really hard to do, and I think you are fastidious in how you approach it, and I wish that your colleagues appreciate what you do.  I feel sure some of them will appreciate you.

I hope that your day goes ok, and that you have a relaxing weekend after it.
Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hi Hope, I appreciate your support and encouraging words.
........
So, tomorrow is my birthday.  I am feeling weird about it.  Realizing I don't want to spend the energy engaging in the weird messages from family.  Also feeling conflicted over the holiday and birthday checks my family sends.  We don't talk much but they send me money.  No matter what I do in response, it will be wrong.  So I haven't said much other than I received the packages my mom sent.

Today was relatively chill.  Nothing too big.

I had very precious, sweet student interactions today. 

I am deeply exhausted and haven't been sleeping well.  One more work week and then the rest of 2022 off on break.

[rainydiary]

Today was the most chill birthday I've had in years.  I hope it is a sign for a more easeful year ahead.

[Armee]

Happy Birthday!!!

[milkandhoney11]

Happy birthday, Rainy! All the best wishes 

[Blueberry]

Happy Birthday rainy! Sounds like good omens for the year ahead. 

[paul72]

Happy birthday rainy
Sending best wishes your way!

[Papa Coco]

Happy Birthday Rainy,

I am touched by your comment that you received precious, sweet student interactions today. That warmed my heart knowing it had warmed yours.

I hear you about not knowing the best way to thank family for the checks that came in the mail. When nothing you do or don't do just brings criticism, it can make you wish they'd just keep their money and let you party with the students who love you for who you are.

Well, here on this forum, you have a bunch of friends who love you for who you are too. And here, happy birthday wishes come with no strings attached!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

[sanmagic7]

happy happy birthday, rainy!    doin' a little birthday dance here!  here's hoping you have many more 'chill' birthdays in the future.  love and a hug filled w/ birthday cheer. 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate all of the care and messages.  I was surprised at how less stressful interacting with family members was than I expected.  I still feel tension about all the dynamics but it didn't consume me. Thank you all. 
.........
I am really not interested in work this week.  I've been more open with folks about my struggles and am starting to feel like I need to tone it down.  I wish that wasn't the case but I don't want to go down the path again of giving people things to use against me. 

I haven't consistently ran since Thanksgiving and I notice that impacts my sleep.  Running is something that does support my sleeping.  I am going to start up again tomorrow. 

I am having big thoughts I don't know how to put into words right now so am going to try to sleep.

[sanmagic7]

it makes sense to me, rainy, how a physical activity can promote better sleep.  hopefully, you can get back on track.  love and hugs