Rainy Journal 2022

[Armee]

 

You are so hard on yourself. I am mad at the people who made it necessary for you to attack yourself first.

This realization here is so so important. It would be such a beautiful and helpful thing to print out and keep as a reminder for yourself. I sometimes have this same realization and it is somehow so very painful when this truth confronts me. I'm not sure why it hurts so bad.

Over the past two years I've had interactions with people from my past that taught me that I meant more to people than I let myself believe and that they do like me. 

All I want moving forward is to actually enjoy my life as much as I can.

[dollyvee]

I often misunderstand things and take things (or my understanding of things) extremely literally.

Hi rainy,

I too feel like this around other people. I think it comes from having to grow up questioning peoples' motivations and behaviour as it was never really straightforward what they wanted, felt, etc. From some of the interactions you've described with your parents (them speaking about you behind your back, not knowing how your f will react), it seems like you may have experienced this too. I think those qualities also might make you a analyst though and able to see into any situation about what is going on and what needs to be done etc. Like Armee said, that's a really big realization 

Sending you support,
dolly

[rainydiary]

Armee, yes I am often my own worst enemy.  I think I still believe that I can prevent further hurt by "getting it right."  What exactly I have no idea.  I agree that it hurts to have to keep reminding myself that I am liked and cared for.  I appreciate your support.
.....

Dolly, I completely agree that I am constantly trying to guess what others will do because of how my parents were and because of situations I have found myself in as an adult.  I stopped listening to the part of me that says, "This is weird, right?"  I hope to listen to myself moving forward as well as believing or at least showing curiosity to the gut feelings.  I'm so stressed right now about preventing future misunderstandings and future opportunities for others to make me their scapegoat that I am forgetting that those things often happen from moment to moment. 
.........
I have felt very emotional today.  It is difficult how something like listening to a podcast can present a topic that brings up a memory and another thing to process that I didn't even realize was something that I was carrying around. 

Today I heard a completely random story about teens sharing about their first period.  And wow did that open up some feelings because my transition into menstruation and adolescence was handled so poorly.  It's like each time I leveled up in my development, my parents floundered even more and added new ways to harm to their repertoire.

My body has especially been in my mind lately as I am being very mean to myself.  I have gained some weight over the past several months and it is hard for me to be accepting of how I look.  I knew I would gain weight as the amount I was running to train last year was not typical.  Also not working for the past several months also changed my movement patterns.  There isn't anything unhealthy about my current weight other than my mindset.

Something I have developed are body care routines that have nothing to do with how I look.  For instance, when I was growing up (specifically around the time I transitioned to adolescence), washing my face was about dealing with acne.  My family was horrid to me about my acne (which actually wasn't so bad and also is a very normal thing for teens to deal with).  I have discovered of late how nice it is to just wash my face to show myself care. 

[dollyvee]

I stopped listening to the part of me that says, "This is weird, right?"  I hope to listen to myself moving forward as well as believing or at least showing curiosity to the gut feelings.  I'm so stressed right now about preventing future misunderstandings and future opportunities for others to make me their scapegoat that I am forgetting that those things often happen from moment to moment.

Hi rainy,

I'm glad that resonated with you. I feel like I was the scapegoat in my family as well and there was always something wrong (it seemed) with what I did or how I did it. It has gotten better, but in situations where I don't feel like people are on my side, or I have the space to do things in my way (often difficult with a boss), this feeling will come up out of nowhere and I will almost be in the third person watching myself do something that I know I can do. I think there's also a part for me that is like the defiant kid who says, you thought I couldn't do this huh? which then feels like sabotage because the adult part of me wants to complete, or do things, in the professional adult way. Sometimes it's hard to manage and recognize when it comes up for me. I think it's great that you've made a plan to listen to yourself going forward.

[/quote]
My body has especially been in my mind lately as I am being very mean to myself.  I have gained some weight over the past several months and it is hard for me to be accepting of how I look. 
[/quote]

I'm sorry your parents said that to you and made the already difficult experience as a teenager even harder. I am harsh as well on my body and had similar talk from my family. I think being in such a harsh environment growing up we learned that to them our bodies were a problem but they were also the one thing we could control to somehow "be good." It also doesn't help that there are such crazy beauty standards for women which we inflict on one another as well. I hope you're able to give this back to your family and be easy with yourself. Our bodies need periods of rest too and hopefully you can see what you accomplished before.

dolly

[Blueberry]

rainy, I love that you can wash your face just to show yourself care!
I'm sorry your FOO was so hard on you instead of being supportive. Mine was too unfortunately, but that also means I can appreciate how big it can be to move out of that mindset and do something in order to show yourself care!

[rainydiary]

Dolly & Blueberry, thank you for your words and support.  I don't have many words today yet feel appreciation for you.
.........
This is my second attempt at posting.  Something went wrong with my browser before and it didn't post.

I am struggling today.  I have many things going on as I prepare to start a new job and move and just deal with being me.

Things have felt different of late and it is unsettling me.  I feel differences for the better but also differences that really shine a light on areas where I am still stuck.

My shoulder is hurting in a way that I have come to associate with my inner child.  I can't hear what she is saying and wish I could.

I am not able to find my way to self compassion and self understanding today. 

[paul72]

Hi rainydiary
Thank you for sharing.  I am sorry you are struggling today.
That sounds like an awful lot of really big changes, including seeing areas of being stuck...which can be difficult under normal circumstances.
I really just want to offer my support and care... I hope your day improves and you are able to give yourself or find the extra kindness you need and deserve.
Thank you for sharing how you've associated your shoulder pain with your inner child. I have much to learn in this area and you've given me a very gentle push that I am grateful for.

[rainydiary]

Phil, I appreciate your words.  There are for sure so many ways to consider and think about our pasts and ourselves.  I am still learning too.
.........
I think I was likely in an EF yesterday and didn't recognize it as such.  There were a lot of things going on: 

My husband's avoidant traits really flared up.  He is stressed in his own way and when that happens he tends to say and do things I find unhelpful.

My mom offered unsolicited thoughts to me about moving.  I feel so unsupported by my parents in all my life decisions.  I am still trying to please them but it is all guessing on my part which has never worked.

I heard about a car I had placed an order for.  Buying cars is such a difficult experience for me and I feel so I incompetent.

I heard nothing from my new job.  I know they are just gathering all they need but it is annoying.

These all put pressure on different parts of me in addition to things I feel like I am always working on internally. 

I'm not sure if I feel better today. 

Last night I dreamt about someone offering me comfort.  I recognized the person as a version of a friend of my husband's.  It is interesting that I thought it was her as in real life she doesn't seem like she likes me.

As I thought on that dream, I remembered a real like encounter with a friend of my husband's.  She heard me and responded to the pain I was feeling.  She brought me comfort.  I am realizing how rare that is in my life. 

I think what I am desiring is comfort.  For someone to see I am struggling based on information I give them and for them to acknowledge me.  A much younger part of me is wanting this because in difficult times I was never comforted but expected to act more grown up than I was. 

[Blueberry]

I see you, acknowledge you and your struggles and am sending comfort 

[rainydiary]

Bluberry, thank you for your message.  It was wonderful to receive today. 
.........
As the day went on today I felt more relaxed.  I think the need for comfort was what was bothering me. 

I did make a mistake in my application for a car loan and am trying to not be too hard on myself.

I am trying to consider what I am especially enjoying about this time as it will soon end: my cat sunning herself, more time with my cat, no schedule.

I haven't done a yoga nidra practice in a while but am noticing that when I wake up at night my body has the memory of being that relaxed.

I have been wondering today if I will ever be "better."  I have such an aversion to the word "better" but don't know a different word to use. 

I recognize that I have grown and made positive changes and yet there remains this deep hurt that keeps anxiety and depression around. 

[rainydiary]

I'm not sure what to make of this day however am glad to get thoughts out of my head before bed.

I have a headache and I don't understand why.  It may be related to the weather or perhaps stress.  Stress didn't feel as pressing today, although I did do a tapping session and yoga which may have moved things around. 

I also felt emotional about not having any children.  I've never wanted children of my own and I don't regret not having any children of my own.  But sometimes my body and the pressures I feel from society and culture and family can weigh on me. 

I am really noticing how as my deeply held pain changes and as I heal, the space that used to hold those hurts is open.  I am trying to fill it with things I enjoy - today I watched Groundhog Day as it is Groundhog Day in the USA and it was just fun.  I definitely would like more fun and play in my life.

I ended up having to have my husband co-sign my loan for the car that I will actually be getting soon.  I have enough money to pay the payments but they are just following rules about predatory loanIng.  And yet I felt a little foolish from all of this.  This experience was a little triggering as it is so similar to my first car buying experience when I didn't have a sufficient credit history to get a loan as I had just graduated college.  Luckily that car brand had a college grad program and I was able to get a loan that way without having to involve my parents. 

I am still in a holding pattern for my new job.  Their background checks are extensive - I know they are working on it because someone they contacted today reached out to me with a question (I don't understand why they reached out to me and not to the HR person, but whatever).

I'm not really in a rush to get back to work - it is just that I need time to get to the new state and also even though they hired me, it still feels like something could go off (even though I know I don't have any issues in my background history that would prevent me from getting the job).

I think things are working the way they are meant to and I'm trying to move slowly. 

[rainydiary]

Today I heard from the former student of mine that I call Brave One.  I haven't heard from her in a while.  I had really worried I made her uncomfortable and have tried to give her space.  I also realize that staying in touch at times is more about me than her.  I want to be a support to her but I don't get to decide if I continue to be that for her.  I was very glad to hear from her today.

In general I've been considering my relationship to others a lot.  I am in this weird space where relationships in my current home are slowing down as I prepare to move.  Yet the move is slow going and I am feeling a bit disconnected.  My husband cannot meet all of my needs and also ends up activating me.

I don't feel comfortable in relationship to anyone including my husband.  I often wonder if I would just be better on my own.  I don't know how to create relationships when I move.

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

It sounds like an uncertain time for you which maybe lends itself to stress and the icr coming up. I definitely don't have definitive answers on friendships. I think I don't/didn't have a lot of trust either. Working through the trauma might over time make it easier to see where your boundaries are and what you are willing/not willing to accept with other people.

dolly

[rainydiary]

Dolly, thank you. 
........
I am sitting on my recliner with tears in my eyes.

I am realizing how afraid I am of the future.

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
And yet when it has dropped in the past, I didn't see it coming.

I think that is why I am so afraid.  I try so hard and it feels like no matter what I do, I get myself into spots I couldn't see coming.

And yet I can't prevent other people from doing what they will do.  And often that isn't a reflection of me.

As I was crying, I reminded myself that I do have evidence of things changing positively in my life and not going the worst way it could.

I am trying to cope with my fear with perfectionism and busyness and self-attack. 

I notice that it is my brain giving off all these signals while my body feels calm.
I don't think my brain likes my body feeling calm.

My husband and I are going out of town soon, just for the night.  I know that I will reach a point where I will become disregulated.  I hope to stay aware of myself and kind to myself when/if it happens. 

[Blueberry]

I hear that you are afraid of quite a number of things today. Sending kindness and other support.